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Gayle King and Oprah Winfrey’s Fierce Bond: How Their 40-Year Friendship Has Outlasted Every Rumour, Spat and Scandal

Lisa: Well, let’s get right to it! Every time I tell somebody, “I’m interviewing Oprah and Gayle,” the response is always the same: “Oh.  Are they, you know, together?” 

Oprah: You’re kidding. Are people still saying that?

Lisa: Every single person. And I say, “No, I don’t think so.” And invariably, they respond with something like “You know, you’re very naive.”

Oprah: I understand why people think we’re gay. There isn’t a definition in our culture for this kind of bond between women. So I get why people have to label it—how can you be this close without it being sexual? How else can you explain a level of intimacy where someone always loves you, always respects you, admires you?

Gayle: Wants the best for you.

Oprah: Wants the best for you in every single situation of your life. Lifts you up. Supports you. Always! That’s an incredibly rare thing between even the closest of friends.

Gayle: The truth is, if we were gay, we would so tell you because there’s nothing wrong with being gay.

Oprah: Yeah. But for people to still be asking the question, when I’ve said it and said it and said it, that means they think I’m a liar. And that bothers me.

Gayle: Well, particularly given how open you’ve been about everything else in your life.

Oprah: I’ve told nearly everything there is to tell. All my stuff is out there. People think I’d be so ashamed of being gay that I wouldn’t admit it? Oh, please.

Lisa: Do the rumours bother you, Gayle?

Gayle: Not anymore, but I used to say, “Oprah, you have to do something. It’s hard enough for me to get a date on a Saturday night. You’ve got to go on the air and stop it!” And then you realize you really can’t stop it. And, you know, somebody made a good point: “Well, every time we see you, you’re together,” which is true.

Oprah: We were just down in the Bahamas—I was giving a wedding for my niece there. And we’re having this big party in my suite. And who comes walking in—

Gayle: With my suitcase.

Oprah: With her suitcase! And I knew what all the waiters, what everybody was thinking: “They’re gay. This proves it. Has to be, because Stedman isn’t around.”

Gayle: And sure enough, the tabloid headline was OPRAH’S HIDEAWAY WITH GAL PAL. Ridiculous. But that said, I have to admit, if Oprah were a man, I would marry her.

Lisa: Sorry, Gayle, I just don’t buy it. Everyone knows Oprah’s not tall enough for you.

Oprah: She has a point.

Gayle: I do like them big.

Oprah: The truth is, no matter where I am, whether Stedman is there or not, Gayle’s in the other room. I mean, she’s always coming in and asking, “Whatcha doin’?”

Gayle: I really do marvel at this because if Stedman didn’t accept me, it would be very difficult for us to be friends.

Oprah: See, that would never be a question for me. If you don’t like my best friend, then you don’t like me. That’s not negotiable. Smoking is nonnegotiable. It’s just a deal breaker. Not liking my best friend—forget it! Or my dogs—you got to go!

Lisa: Oprah, how did you feel when Gayle got married?

Oprah: Actually, I was a little sad. Did I ever tell you that? Mostly because I just didn’t think it was going to work out.

Gayle: You didn’t? You never told me that.

Oprah: No—it didn’t feel joyful. You know how you go to weddings and they’re full of joy?

Gayle: Wait a minute! You didn’t think it was going to work out at the wedding?

Oprah: There are some weddings you go to and you’re just filled with all this hope for the couple. And you feel that there’s something special going on. I didn’t feel that at yours.

Gayle: But you were my maid of honour!

Oprah: Yes, but it just felt kind of pitiful. I never told you because it wasn’t my place to say that.

Gayle: I wouldn’t have believed you anyway.

Oprah: No. And also because I felt like, well, maybe it’s just me being jealous. Maybe I couldn’t feel the joy because I was feeling like our friendship was going to change. But it didn’t.

Lisa: What about when you had a baby, Gayle?

Gayle: Nothing really changed between us. Oprah was there. She came shortly after Kirby was born. She came shortly after Will was born. She was there.

Oprah: I thought it would change just in terms of time. But my gift to her was a full-time nanny.

Gayle: Right. The kids are 11 months apart, and Oprah goes, “I got you the perfect gift.” And I’m thinking, “Oh, good. She’s giving me a double stroller.” Back then double strollers were very expensive. But the gift turned out to be a nanny! She said, “I want to pay the nanny’s salary for as long as you feel you need her.”

Oprah: She kept that nanny for like seven or eight years. But what I love is that even as a working-outside-the-home mom, she was always there to put her kids to bed. She said, “I want my face to be the first face my kids see when they wake up and the last thing they see at night.” So it wasn’t like the nanny came and—

Gayle: Replaced me.

Oprah: I admire a lot of things about Gayle. But when I think about the way she raised her kids, that makes me weepy.

Gayle: Why weepy? That’s so surprising to me.

Oprah: Maybe I haven’t said it to you very often, but I say it to other people all the time. Gayle is the best mother I have ever seen, heard, or read about. She was always 100 per cent there for those kids—to this day. We’d be on the phone, in the middle of a conversation, and the kids would enter the room. This just happened last week, and her son’s 19. She goes, “Hi, Willser. You got your Willser face on. Mommy loves you. Good morning, Bear. Hi, Kirby-Cakes.” She stopped the conversation to greet them and let them know that they were seen and heard. And then she came back to the phone and carried on the conversation.

These kids have grown up with such love and support from Gayle, and also from Gayle’s ex-husband. I love the way she understood that though the marriage was not going to work, her husband still needed to have a space to maintain a strong relationship with these kids. That takes a real woman. It’s always, always, always been about what’s best for her children.

Gayle: Years ago when Oprah was thinking of leaving the show, she said, “You should move to Chicago, and we’ll incorporate you into the show. And then at the end of the year, I’ll pass the baton on to you—but you’d have to move to Chicago.” And I said, “I can’t do that because Billy wouldn’t be able to see the kids on a regular basis.”

Oprah: I said, “Do you realize what I’m offering?”

Gayle: And I go, “Yeah, I do.” But the kids were young, and I just said, “No, I can’t do that.”

Oprah: That’s why she’s the best, and her kids are the best. Her kids are my godchildren. There are shots of me riding around on all fours with Kirby—you know, playing horsey and stuff. I remember when William first came to the farm: He was running around saying, “Auntie O, you have a pool and a wacuzzi? Can you afford all this?”

When he was little, little, little, I had all these antique Shaker boxes. He was stacking them like

Gayle: Blocks.

Oprah: And knocking them over. I went, “William! Put those boxes down!” These kids weren’t used to anybody raising their voice—they were never spanked or yelled at. So he was like, wacuzzi or no wacuzzi, I’m outta here. And he told his mommy, “I want to go home.”

These kids made a lot of noise, and there were all kinds of bright yellow plastic things that made noise. And the TV was on and the same video was playing over and over and over. But Gayle helped me adjust.

Gayle: I’m always kind of taken aback, Lisa, when Oprah talks about me and the kids because I see a lot of mothers who feel about their children the way I feel about mine.

Oprah: But they don’t always have kids who turn out the way yours have. Everybody wants to raise good people, not just smart people at Ivy League schools and all that but good people. You have to be a good person to raise good people.

Lisa: Do you two talk every single day?

Gayle: We usually talk three or four times a day.

Oprah: Then there’s my night call. When she was on vacation with her sisters, and we hadn’t had a conversation, I realized I felt far more stressed. I’ve never had a day’s therapy, but I always had my night conversations with Gayle.

Gayle: We talk about everything and anything.

Oprah: What was on the show, what the person was wearing. What I really thought, what she really thought.

Lisa: Let me shift gears. It feels as if people are always trying to enlist my help in getting some kind of a letter to you, Oprah—and it’s usually for a worthy cause. But I was thinking, Gayle, you must get that every hour of every day. 

Gayle: Well, I know what Oprah would be interested in hearing and what she wouldn’t, and, you know, I’ve figured out a way to politely decline. But I love that people love her so much and are so interested in communicating with her, so I never look at it as a hassle or burden.

Oprah: She handles it. It’s one of the things that’s so amazing about this friendship. Gayle is more excited about my success than I am. It makes her genuinely happy. We’ve been friends since I was making $22,000 and she was making $12,000. We’ve made this journey together.

Gayle: Not much has changed, except now she’s making a stratospheric salary.

Oprah: The first time Gayle spent the night at my house was because there was a snowstorm and she couldn’t get home. She was a production assistant and I was the 6 o’clock anchor in Baltimore.

Gayle: Anchors and PA’s do not socialize—the newsroom hierarchy.

Oprah: But I said, “You can stay at my house.” The next day, we went to the mall.

Gayle: Remember Casual Corner? They had those two for $19.99 sales.

Oprah: I ended up buying two sweaters.

Gayle: I had to call my mother and say, “You know my friend Oprah? Guess what? She bought two sweaters!” I was into layaway back then, for one sweater. [Laughter]

Oprah: Years later, for my 42nd birthday, we were in Miami, and I decided I was going to buy myself a birthday present. So we were on our way to the mall, and we pass a car dealership where I spot a black Bentley in the lot. I’m like, “Oh my God, that is the most beautiful car.” So we pull over and I go in and buy that Bentley right on the spot. And I say to Gayle, “This is a Casual Corner moment.”

They get it all cleaned up, and it’s a convertible. The top is down, and guess what? It starts to rain. It’s pouring.

Gayle: And I say, “Shouldn’t we put the top up?”

Oprah: “No. Because I want to ride in a convertible on my birthday!” Anyway, Gayle was like, “You’re going to buy that right now? Shouldn’t you think about this or try to negotiate a better deal?” I said, “Gayle, that’s the same thing you said when I bought the two sweaters.”

Lisa: What’s that Paul Simon lyric? “After changes upon changes, we are more or less the same.”

Oprah: The scale got larger. I mean, you need a moment of silence every time I write a check for my income taxes.

Gayle: I can’t even wrap my head around all this. I knew she was talented, certainly, but who would’ve thought that it would get this big?

Oprah: One of my favourite moments was about ten, 12 years ago when we were in Racine, Wisconsin. We’re caught in a traffic jam because everyone was headed to the concert hall where I was speaking, and Gayle says, “Where are all these people going?” We pull up to the venue, and Gayle goes, “What’s going on here?”

Gayle: The cops were lined up, double rows.

Oprah: Gayle’s going, “Who’s here? Who’s here?” I go, “I am, you nitwit!”

Gayle: “You mean all these people are coming to see you?” I could not believe it. That was the first time it hit me.

Lisa: Gayle, when you started at the magazine, did either of you worry that working for Oprah might change the dynamic between you?

Gayle: I wasn’t worried. I don’t think Oprah was, either. But people did say, “Oh God, you should never work with your friend.”

Oprah: But that’s how I know people don’t understand this relationship because other people’s definition of “friend” isn’t what ours is. Just the other day, I was doing a show about when your best friend is sleeping with your husband. The ultimate betrayal. Well, that is not possible in this relationship.

Gayle: What I know for sure: I will never sleep with Stedman.

Oprah: What did you use to say, “If you ever find me in the bed with Stedman—”

Gayle: “Don’t even be mad. Just scoop me up and get me to a hospital, because you will know I’m very ill.”

Oprah: “Carry me tenderly out the door.”

Gayle: So people ask, “But how can you work for a friend?” I say it’s because I know that the magazine is called O. The bottom line is somebody has to have the final word. Oprah’s not right all the time, but her record is pretty damn good. That’s not to say you can’t disagree.

Oprah: That’s why Gayle’s so great for me at the magazine—she’s going to have almost exactly the same opinion that I do. But when she doesn’t agree, she’ll fight for her opinion as though there were a G on that magazine. We have “disagree,” and we have “strongly disagree.” If Gayle strongly, strongly feels something about somebody—

Gayle: It makes her pause.

Oprah: It makes me pause because she’s been my—she’s apple pie and Chevrolet. She loves everybody. So if there’s somebody she doesn’t like, that will get my attention because she’s truly everybody’s friend—far friendlier than I am. I would not call myself a friendly person.

Gayle: I’m very social.

Oprah: I’m not social. Nor am I all that friendly.

Gayle: All Oprah needs is a good book. My only request when she’s building any house is, “Could I please have a TV in my bedroom?” She goes, “You’re the only one who complains about not having a TV in the bedroom.” I go, “Well, everybody thinks it, they just don’t want to say it to you.”

Oprah: I don’t have TVs in any bedroom except Gayle’s. In my house, there’s a Gayle wing.

Gayle: I don’t want to offend her, but I’m never afraid to be truthful with her.

Lisa: So I’m hearing about differences. What are the similarities? 

Gayle: We became friends that first night because, for the first time, I met somebody who I felt was like me. I’d never met anybody like that. Certainly not another black girl. I grew up in an all-white community. I remember getting embarrassed in fourth grade when a boy in my class named Wayne said, “If it weren’t for Abraham Lincoln, you’d be my slave.” I can remember that very clearly. Oprah and I had the same sensibilities. We liked the same kind of music. We thought smart—

Oprah: Smart and articulate—

Gayle: Was not a bad thing.

Oprah: We were the only black girls in our schools, and I was the only black girl in my class who loved Neil Diamond. So when you’re around black folks, and they say, “Who’s your favourite singer—”

Gayle: I liked Barry Manilow.

Lisa: Neil Diamond and Barry Manilow? You guys were made for each other.

Oprah: It’s that whole being-the-odd-girl-out thing—we didn’t fit into everybody else’s perception of what it’s like to be a black girl.

Gayle: But we still had a very strong sense of being black and were very proud of being black. So to meet another black girl like that was, wow! And we were the same age, we were both single, and we just immediately bonded.

Oprah: But she was clearly upper middle class, and I was clearly from a very poor background. Gayle had a pool growing up!

Gayle: I had a swimming pool, a maid. We grew up very, very well.

Oprah: She had a maid. My mother was a maid. You know what I’m saying? I’d never met a black person with a maid. It was like, “Lord, really? At your house?”

Gayle: So that’s how we became friends that first night, and we’ve been friends ever since.

Oprah: See, we were always together in the newsroom. I remember when they decided to fire me—

Gayle: Not fire, demote.

Oprah: They wanted to fire me, but they couldn’t because of the contract. My $22,000 contract.

Gayle: They had run a big campaign: “What is an Oprah?”

Oprah: I’d been on the air, I started in September. By April they decided it wasn’t working, because of the anchorman—

Gayle: Didn’t like you.

Oprah: But I didn’t know it. I was so naive. The day they decided that they were going to take me off the 6 o’clock news, I said to Gayle—

Gayle: I’m just typing away at my desk. She goes, “Get in the bathroom now!

Oprah: We’d always meet in the bathroom. We were, like, “Oh my God. Do you think Jerry Turner knows?” Of course, Jerry Turner was the main anchor who was kicking my ass out, but we didn’t know that. Jerry was like, “Babe, I don’t even know what happened, babe.” You know, “Sorry, babe.”

Gayle: I was stunned.

Oprah: It’s like your life is over.

Gayle: You were going to see your dad that next day.

Oprah: And that was the hardest thing because I’d never failed in front of my father.

Gayle: He was so proud of you.

Oprah: It was devastating. But God closes a door and then opens a window. If I hadn’t been removed from the news, the whole talk show thing would have never happened.

But I didn’t know that then. It was like the end of the world. You are the 6 o’clock main anchor, and there’s been this huge promotional campaign. But I learned from that. When I came into Chicago, I said, “I will not have a big ad campaign. I will earn the respect and credibility of each viewer. I will not set myself up to fail.”

Lisa: Gayle, has Oprah ever said anything about you on the air that inadvertently crossed the privacy line? For example, when I was pregnant, I had the show on, and—

Gayle: Oh, I know, I know, I know. When she said I pooped all over the table during the birth. People literally stopped me on the street after that one.

Oprah: You know, in retrospect I might have thought a little more before saying that. But I was talking about pregnancy, what actually happens—and that’s one of the things people never tell you. She goes, “Well, listen—”

Gayle: “Next time you’re talking about shitting on a table, keep my name out of it!” I was a news anchor by then: “I’m Gayle King, Eyewitness News.” And I’d get people saying, “Yes, I saw you on the news—I didn’t know you pooped all over.”

Lisa: Let’s stay on bodily functions for a second. My best friend, Brenda, and I have established the Sunny von Bülow pact: If something ever happens to one of us, whoever’s still mobile has to come by every three weeks and pluck any unseemly facial hair.

Oprah: We don’t have that pact because it would happen automatically.

Gayle: My only instructions have been to go get her journals.

Lisa: And if something happens to you? 

Gayle: I would just want her to be involved in my children’s lives—always.

Oprah: Which we would do. Her children are my children. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her, there’s nothing she wouldn’t do for me. There is a line of respect that is unspoken, on both our parts.

I remember once when Gayle came to my house: I was already making a lot of money, and she was making not a lot of money. And we discovered I had $422 in my pocket.

Gayle: $482.

Oprah: Okay, $482.

Gayle: But who’s counting?

Oprah: I had $482 just sort of stuck into a coat pocket.

Gayle: In your pants pocket. You know how sometimes you just find a five? Or a 20 is like, whoo! She pulls out $482.

Oprah: Okay, you tell the story.

Gayle: In 20s. And I’d gotten to Chicago on a Super Saver ticket; you know, back when you had to buy 30 days in advance for a decent price. She was living in Chicago, and I was married, and we had scrimped—I remember that once Billy and I didn’t have $10 to go to the movies. He was in law school and I was the only one working. So for her to pull out $482 was like, wow! She goes, “God, where’d this come from? You want it?” And I went, “Oh, no. No. I’m good. I’m fine.” But I’m thinking, “God, that would pay the light bill, the phone bill, the gas bill.” And she just puts it back. It’s probably still in that damn pocket. She was just extending a gesture, just being nice: “Oh, you want it?”

Oprah: But years later, she said, “You remember that time you pulled out the $482?”

Gayle: I said, “I wanted that money so bad!”

Oprah: “I needed that money so bad, but I wouldn’t take it.” You know what that’s like? That is incredible for somebody like me who lives in a world where everybody wants a piece of you. I mean, people feel they deserve a piece of you. Strangers think that.

Gayle: Now I happily accept all gifts. No, but I just wouldn’t have felt right.

Oprah: She’s never asked me for a dime. There is a level of mutual respect that comes from being with somebody you know doesn’t want anything from you but you. There will never be an ulterior motive. I have to say, this would have been a much different relationship had that ever happened. Not that I wouldn’t have done it, but in order to have a real friendship, you have to be equals.

Gayle: That’s not necessarily financial equals.

Oprah: No, equal in respect. I can’t put myself in a position where I need you to do things for me or expect you to do things for me with any kind of strings attached.

Gayle: Yeah, I never feel lesser than, or one down. Never.

Oprah: But let me just say this, too. The person who has the money has to have a generous spirit. Early on, when I started to make a lot of money and we’d go shopping, I’d say, “Look, the deal is this: If you see something you really want, I’ll get it. I don’t want to play this, ‘No, no, no, you don’t have to buy that for me,’ because I’m really willing to get it for you.” I do that now with all my friends.

Lisa: That makes sense. Otherwise, you would have all this money and nobody to enjoy it with. 

Oprah: What you don’t want is a situation where the person always expects that you’re going to be the one to pay. Otherwise, you’re just the bank, and nobody wants to be seen as an ATM machine.

Lisa: People ache for connection. 

Gayle: They do, they really do.

Lisa: They want someone who doesn’t have an agenda, doesn’t see you filtered through the prism of their own needs.

Oprah: Absolutely not. And so in a way, our friendship is better than a marriage or a sexual relationship. You know, there’s no such thing as unconditional love in a marriage as far as I’m concerned, ’cause let me tell you, there are some conditions. So don’t ask me to give you unconditional love, because there are certain things I won’t tolerate. But in this friendship, there isn’t an expectation because there isn’t a model for something like this. There isn’t a label, there isn’t a definition of what this is supposed to be. It can be all that it can be, and it’s extraordinary, in terms of the level I’ve been able to achieve and to have Gayle by my side as happy as I am for those accomplishments.

Gayle: My God. Sometimes you don’t even realize how big it is. You don’t. Maybe I’ll get some perspective years from now when we’re sitting on a porch somewhere looking back on it all.

Lisa: Do you ever think about who’s going first?

Gayle: I think about when we get old, but I can’t imagine life without Oprah. I really can’t. I’ll go first if I can be 90 and you can be 91.

Oprah: Something about this relationship feels otherworldly to me like it was designed by a power and a hand greater than my own. Whatever this friendship is, it’s been a very fun ride—and we’ve taken it together.
SOURCE: oprah.com

 

Marriages in Nigeria

Diary of a Naija Guy: Marriages in Nigeria and Most parts of Africa are sustained by women

Marriages in Nigeria and most parts of Africa are sustained by women. You can argue this with your village deity. Women in general, put up with a lot of bullshit just to make their marriages work. From childhood they have been taught that a wise woman keeps her home. In order to keep their homes, they end up enduring a lot of ill-treatment.

Find any woman who has been with a man for donkey years and ask her if she would love to marry that same man over again in her next life. Majority would say no. This brings us to the point that most marriages are endurance marriages not happy marriages. Unfortunately, we are told that marital success is about duration.

A successful marriage isn’t about duration but happiness. If two people spend five years together, happily and add immense value to each other; if they decide to break up without fighting about it, their marriage can be rated as successful. Spending eternity together in sorrow isn’t the idea of success to me. It is what you do in the marriage that counts not how long.

Scan through the length and breadth of marriages in Nigeria and see the things women endure. This is not to say that women are innocent. Marriages in Nigeria is quite disadvantageous to the women folk. Except you are lucky to have a man who has a good head. Infidelity, entitlement mentality, domestic violence, third party interference, patriarchal orientation etc are some of the things women bear up. How many women are willing to walk out of their marriages when they are abused? They want to keep their homes and status. They want to raise their kids. They don’t want to be seen as failures. The moment a marriage fails, everybody points at the woman. This in itself is psychologically abusive. What is Marriage Really About?Turning Your Wife into A Househelp?




When it comes to marriages in Nigeria, everything wrong with the marriage, is the woman’s fault. Bad children are her fault. Failed business, failure to have kids, crappy sex, the man’s infidelity, the man’s arrogance towards his family members, his stinginess to people in general, his lack of spirituality, his night crawling attitude, his poor dressing, everything is her fault.

After all these years of matrimonial slavery, women are beginning to set their priorities right. It is becoming clear to them that the quality of the marriage is what matters. They have come to agree that being single and happy is more important than being married and frustrated. But men won’t let them be. The same men would abuse a woman for opting to stay single. Isn’t this insane? You are not ready to treat somebody right, yet you won’t let them be. You tell them how stupid it is for a woman to be single, but your mouth won’t utter a word to tell men that they should treat women better. These things are worrisome to me.

The women who are standing out and demanding for their rights as humans are being tagged with all sorts of names. We say all manner of things to dampen their spirits. We are citing them as the reasons behind the failure of marriages. What we have failed to see is that marriages weren’t successful as we were told. It is just that the women were covering up our nakedness just to make everybody feel that their marriages were perfect. The burden of covering up our masculine insanity has increased and they can no longer handle it. Recently, they have chosen to unmask the matrimonial institution and show the world what they have been hiding for ages. We are scared that our little secrets are being revealed. We aren’t as powerful as people thought we are. We are just cowards hiding under patriarchal privileges.




So the question is, how many men are willing to put up with a woman who would give them the same dose of madness they have been giving to women? Exchange the roles and let the men be at the receiving end. Men are walking out of their marriages for little things as who cooked food, she starved me of sex for a week, she slapped me, she was flirting with my boss, I met the house dirty. Very insignificant, compared to what women have been putting up with.

I would like you to judge for yourself. When it comes to marriages in Nigeria,Who is sustaining it? Apart from a few reasonable men, most men marry without a sense of marital purpose, which is why they destroy their marriages themselves and blame their wives. Now you can see that we can’t even put up with marital challenges, yet we are always quick to say that women who walked out of abusive marriages were not willing to make their marriages work. If you are such a man, I wish you a very bad woman, and I hope you stick with her and make the marriage work.

I want a good woman. I cannot come and suffer for the sins of other men. Bad women should go and marry bad men. Let the good marry the good. I didn’t come this far to pay for the stupidity of other men. After abusing a woman I will now come to reap your madness from her.

I wish myself and all the responsible men out there, good women that would value us.

Copyright Victor Ibeh 2017

In-Laws

Do Not Act Like a Maid to Win Cool Points From Your In-Laws

So many ladies and some men are ready to do anything, including act like maids to win cool points from their in-laws. I believe most times, you help because you want to look good not because you’re showing respect to the elderly. Your intentions matter

One time I was invited to a Christmas party by a guy who was asking me out. I had nothing to do so I attended, hoping to make it brief. “Come and greet my mum” he said

We headed straight to the back of the house, where she was seated, giving orders to caterers and helps. Everyone was just going up and down acting busy. I greeted her, asked her if she needed help, she said “you want to join this circus?” I laughed, pulled a chair and sat with her anyway Read: When is a Relationship A Relationship?

I noticed she didn’t get up from her seat, just gave orders. I told myself to start a conversation with her instead of sitting there going through an awkward silence. So we struck up a conversation and it was one of the most intelligent and insightful conversations I had ever had. Turned out, my intelligence mattered more to her than my domestic skills

I didn’t lift a finger or go out of my way to help. But I was there anyway if there was something I could help with. That’s how my mama taught me, not to win cool points but to show respect by asking to help the elderly when I visit their home

Going to see your boyfriend, girlfriend or potential and helping his or her parents with chores should be a thing of respect, not because you want to win cool points. If you don’t have to do anything, sit down and be confident in who you are. Don’t run around trying to look domestic

If you do it for the wrong reasons, you’ll regret acting like a maid when you find out you did all that for nothing. Act normal, be nice and have no expectations

Those parents will see right through you anyway

Hello Bae

Love is Not Complicated.

Love is not Complicated.

Anytime you’re trying to explain, to others or to yourself, why the relationship you’re in really is love, stop right there. Because if it really is love, there would be no explaining needed. You’ll know. In your heart. Love really is simple. It follows a simple formula: he’s available + you’re available + he wants to be with you + you want to be with him + you’re both open to a relationship with each other and seeing where it takes you. That’s it. There are no games, no drama, no tension. I told you it was simple.

Note that I said it was simple, I didn’t say it was easy. If you don’t get it right away, it’s okay. Be gentle with yourself here. If you’re used to seeing complicated as the norm for love, it will take some time before you can see how simple it really is. And it will take some real soul-searching to understand why you continue to find yourself in these dramatic relationships, and why you continue to hang on to them.Read: One Thing real Love Never Does to You

There is no perfect mate, no amount of drugs, sex, or money that will make you feel complete. You and only you have the tools and power to do that for yourself. We must allow love to take its natural course in order for our lives and relationships to reach its full potential. The reason some of us accept complications is because we have not searched our souls enough to know that we are enough. When we understand this, we will understand that peace of mind outweighs drama.

I have been in complicated relationships, I look back now and I know it shouldn’t have been so. Someone didn’t love the other enough to simplify things, someone didn’t understand the concept of sacrifice, someone wasn’t patient enough to try harder and both were not in love enough to respect promises made. I know this now and I cannot for the life of me go back to such tumultuous life.

The love I want now is the type I have with my friends -but with sex-. Easy, real, loyal, letting each other be who we are, never asking anyone to change for you, no crazy demands, we laugh and we cry together, when times are tough, I know without a doubt they’ll be there for me. We don’t have to talk every minute to know we care about each other, no insecurities…just love…Simple. Real

Did I digress a little? Forgive me. Living on the fence is not love, wondering what other drama may erupt tomorrow is not love, sleeping with one eye open in your relationship is not love

Love isn’t complicated, people are!

Chigul

“When my Marriage Fell apart, I Felt Like I Had Failed at Something” – Chigul

Read below an excerpt from the interview with Chigul with KemiAdetiba’s KingWoman on Accelerate Tv

“I married at 33 and married a virgin.

My husband and I had our happy times. We were married for about a year. We just got to a point where we both didn’t care anymore. It just sort of fizzled. I’ve been made to believe it was my job to keep the marriage afloat and the fact that it sank, I take on my head. It was supposed to be easy. I had the Indian theme of roses in mind. I didn’t understand how no one cared. Except for my brother. I was depressed.

When my marriage fell apart, I felt like I had failed at something and I had nowhere to land… I felt like I disappointed my dad. But no one was there for me. And I wanted to be able to go to my mum and cry and tell her ” I am tired” but she was just always saying “go back to your husband”. The worst was when I found out my husband has a child with someone else and I found out my mum knew. Read: Chigul, on the pressure to get married

My mum and I, clash of titans. We clashed over everything. My mum and I quarrelled over my grades, my relationships, my marriage…I resented her.




There were days I would get back home on Friday and wouldn’t get up till Monday except go to the bathroom or kitchen. It was one of the worst things that happened to me but also one of the best because it taught me a lot. I am now more responsible. I’m learning how to deal with men folk.

Would I have changed anything about it? No. Because it happened for a reason. I’m happy it happened at one year with no children, no attachments.

I have come across people that have told me I was no good and I would never make it and I was ugly. My self- esteem was literally in the out. I had little or no self-esteem and it affected me in a way that I saw myself become quite a people pleaser…

My weight has always been a sore spot. Always. My mum was worried because she had a brother who was big and had diabetic and eventually passed away. The worst thing someone ever said to me was on Instagram. It was a picture with a friend of mine and somebody said, despite the heavy make up “it is finally good to see Fiona from Shrek in person”. It hurt me so deep. Now I do work out everyday. I have a very good teacher and a supportive group.”

God-fearing man

Just Because He’s A Christian Does Not Mean He is A “God-Fearing Man”

Just Because He’s A Christian Does Not Mean He is A God-Fearing Man

He would “hallelujah” with her like a passionate pastor on Friday, pipe her down like Ray J did Kim on Saturday, then run back to his wife no one knew about on Sunday.

Then repent and repeat, of course.

But my best friend, a Christian, couldn’t fathom that he could possibly be doing her dirty – he was a man of God. I mean, he would never… right?

She was, by the way, abstaining from sex because of her devotion to God. And yeah, he’s Christian, too, but we all know that not even the words of Jesus Christ himself, etched inside the Holy Bible for centuries, can tame a man’s serpent from slithering out for a little temptation.

“But God wants us to have sex,” he’d tell her manipulatively. “He wants us to do this! As long as we have an intent on getting married, God’s all for it.” Spoiler alert – he didn’t give a flying fart about marrying her. Naïve and impressionable, my best friend succumbed to his wily advances.

Of course, she was devastated when she found out he was a compulsive liar – he was married to a woman he said was his sister and fathered kids he said were his nieces and nephews.

“How?” my BFF lamented. “He went to church with me, prayed with me, yet he lied straight to my face! How could he do this me?”

Simple, I thought. Just because someone is sweating bullets up on the pulpit, spewing out powerful proverbs at the top of his lungs does not mean a damn thing about how “virtuous” he is. Saying “I’m a man of faith” doesn’t insulate one from being a scumbag – I thought that was common sense, no? It’s painfully cliché, but it’s true: actions speak louder than words.

For years, as a celibate Seventh Day Adventist, she thought she would be able to find a man in church who shared her values: slapping sloppies is for after marriage, she always said. But instead, she said she found a lot of men who “pick and choose” which pages of the Bible to follow; unsurprisingly, the “pre-marital sex is sinful” stuff are verses they often tried to re-interpret or ignore.

One Christian man, she said, felt offended – yeah, you read correctly – offended by her celibacy. He said, “Well, you already gave up what was supposed to be for me to some other man, so what’s the point?”

“It’s not about you!” she told him. “It’s about me trying to focus on the more important aspects of the relationship – the core parts that would make it long lasting. God forbid, if sex isn’t part of the equation anymore because of illness or otherwise, I’ll know there is something greater than just that that’s keeping us together.”

But he fought her hard on this. “You already messed up. Might as well keep on keepin’ on,” he reasoned. He was a Christian, but he f***ed. And that’s final.

She didn’t bother, though. She realized one of the pros of being celibate is that the “Christian” wolves in sheep’s clothing revealed themselves faster than you can say, “no sex ‘til marriage?!” So she just threw these men by the wayside and kept looking for “the one.”

Just when she started to fall in a state of despair, she finally ended up finding her match.

He was a man who followed a straight and narrow path and respected her celibacy. Through his own experience, he, too, felt that sex clouded his judgment in finding the right partner, so he was on board with her even though he knew it’d be challenging AF.

But he’s not Christian – not even a little bit. He’s an atheist who often wonders if there truly is an omnipotent, divine being watching over us.

He doesn’t mind coming along with her to church on Saturdays because he loves seeing her in “her element” and enjoys being in her company. (Won’t he do it!)

“Whatever happened to being with a ‘God-fearing’ man?” I said to my friend, somewhat mockingly. By the way, I never really got the phrase “God fearing” – seems so ominous and sinister instead of being lovingly devout and worshipful, but I digress.

“Sometimes you find exactly what you want in the strangest places,” she said.

It just proved what I always knew – just because someone says they’re Christian, that don’t mean a damn thing. Observe their character and you’ll see how moral they truly are.

Written by: Kimberly Gideon for madamnoire.com God Fearing Man

fake orgasm

Women fake Orgasm: I’m 42 Years Old, How come I’m just Knowing This? – Diary of A Naija Guy

Women fake Orgasm: I’m 42 Years Old, How come I’m just Knowing This?

Dear DANG

I must tell you that I feel like an absolute klutz. I am a 42 year old recently divorced man and my ex wife told me last week, she faked a lot of her orgasm with me. I thought she was lying to get at me or make me feel like a loser so I shrugged it off . You see, we had an awesome sexual relationship. Even before we were married, it was really hot between us and we could never get enough of each other. After our child was born, she wanted sex more, I didn’t mind at all. We could be fighting but she’d never turn away my advances. Do you see what I’m saying? How can such a woman tell me she faked most of her orgasm with me?




On this day, she asked me about the girl I have recently started seeing. She especially wanted to know if our sex life was as hot with the lady as it was with her. I told my ex- wife I didn’t want to discuss my sex life. She then said “ Just make sure she’s not faking orgasm like I did”. That shook me for some seconds but she was laughing so I tried not to to take her seriously. However, she repeated it again, this time with a serious face and instances. That is impossible! I remember those instances and she looked like she was having the best of times. She told me, “ask other females”

My ex-wife was not my first sexual encounter, so when I couldn’t get over it, I started asking my old girlfriends and some of my female friends. I was scared to ask my girlfriend because I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear the truth from her. They all said, “yes, sometimes we faked orgasm”. So, yesterday I told my girlfriend “I know you sometimes fake orgasm, I don’t think you should do that anymore” Her response was “But it’s not every time…” Ah!!!!! Jesuuuuu

This may have damaged my ego a little bit…But I feel a little better, at least they said it wasn’t every time… Or, who knows if they were lying?




You women folk should be feared. Henceforth, I will not take you folks at face value again. In fact, if you don’t orgasm during sex and you can’t tell me, that’s your problem. A man cannot kill himself because you lots refuse to be truthful and demand what is rightfully yours

Written by CY For Diaryofanaijagirl.com

Do not Shrink To Fit

I Found Out My Friends Were My Biggest Haters

I Found Out My Friends Were My Biggest Haters

A few months ago, a friend of mine who I met through work invited me to come with her on a trip with two of her girlfriends. I was desperately wanting to get away so I jumped at the opportunity. However, three days into the trip, I had experienced a rude awakening where I came across a conversation on her phone as I was sending group photos from her phone to my number. My name popped up at the top of the screen from another co-worker (God’s intervention) and I found a conversation where she was talking about me behind my back.

As I read the conversation, I felt my body flashback to middle school, a time where I often found myself in the middle of catty situations. Yet, this time I was dealing with a 28- and 31-year-old. Two women I somewhat looked up to at my job and spent happy hours over drinks and talking about life, love, and all in between. Two people I naively trusted and I felt blind-sighted by it all.

In the conversation, I saw a screenshot of a photo that I posted to my Instagram the day before of me in a bikini on the beach and under I saw mean comments like, “Killing me softly.” As I continued to read the conversation, I instantly thought to hours earlier when I asked my friend to take a photo of me, she said in a snarky tone, “No, you have enough photos of yourself.” I took her response as her sarcasm and did not think twice about it

I felt angry, hurt, and betrayed. At first, I did not want to confront her about it. Yet, I figured that if I didn’t say anything, it’d probably eat me alive, cause me to act resentfully, and ruin my trip so I gathered the courage to pull her aside and tell her everything I saw and ask her what is going on. As I spoke I had to fight back tears because I felt vulnerable and hurt, especially being in another country, which was suppose to be a fun girl’s trip. She ended up apologizing and spent the rest of the trip acting really nice to me, which part of me knew she was only acting this way because she had been caught. I don’t believe in burning bridges so I decided to remain cordial and respectful, but I knew from then on that I could not trust her and had to distance myself.

I was always made fun of for being tall, skinny, lanky and not having any of the features “black girls are suppose to have” (big booty and boobs) as seen on music videos and throughout the media. I had extremely low self esteem and man it took so much internal work for me to be here. To be in a place where I unapologetically love myself within and without. To not compare myself or want to be anyone else.

Often we forget that most of the things that people do to us have nothing to do with us, but more about them. Your confidence, self-esteem, and happiness may cause other people to feel uncomfortable because they are not happy or confident in themselves

Yet nothing they can say or do will ever take away from this light of mine that I have found within myself. I have definitely learned a lesson about being more mindful about who I go on trips with and more importantly, watching who I call my friends, especially outside of my “day-one” circle of true friends.

Written By: Maritza
For: XOnecole.com

Being faithful

One Thing Real Love Never Does to You

Real love never limits you… it doesn’t restrict you… it doesn’t try to change you… it doesn’t entitle you, or anyone, to anything.

People are sometimes led to have a sense of entitlement because they mistakenly believe they are owed something based solely on the social role they have chosen.  For example, if someone has accepted the role of being a person’s friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, or husband, they feel entitled to get certain ‘favors’ from this person.  If someone has accepted the role of being a parent, they feel entitled to being respected by their children.  If someone has accepted the role of being a customer, they feel entitled to be served to their unique needs.

But, as it turns out, there are no hard-wired entitlements in life.  And this is especially true of love.
Too often we associate love with limitations…

* “If he loves me, he will change.”
* “If she loves me, she will do what I say.” Read: Banky W and Adesua Etomi Love Story: Lesson Learnt

But that’s not real love.  Not even close.

Real love is un-limited.




In this freedom, you choose to find divine perfection in each other’s humanness.

In this freedom, your happiness is vital to each other, and sacrifices are made

And, that may not always mean you are part of the equation.

And that’s perfectly OK.

Because real love gives you that choice.

You both know deep down that to bind each other or tie each other or try to own each other in any way would be to minimize – to even kill – something within yourselves that is divine, and human, and soars and sings and keeps you both alive and free… and asks for nothing, yet gives everything.

You both know that the moment you try to own each other is the moment you both become something else, other than what was sought, and desired, and loved in the first place.




So you choose to set each other free – completely unattached – even when you’re deeply connected.

This form of non-attachment does not mean not caring.  On the contrary, it means, among other things, caring so deeply that you both honor each other’s space and freedom… to simply BE. 

The foundation of love is to let people be unapologetically themselves, and to not distort them to fit our own egotistical ideas of who they “should” be.  Otherwise we fall in love only with our own senseless fantasies, and thus miss out entirely on their true beauty.  So save your relationships from needless stress.  Instead of trying to change the people you care about, give them your support and grow together.

Truth be told, some couples (and friends and family too) waste years trying to change each other, but this can’t always be done, because many of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of opinion, personality, or values based on their upbringing or distant past experiences.  By fighting over these deep seeded differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and running their relationship into the ground.




So how do two people in a relatively healthy relationship deal with the disagreements and differences that can’t be resolved?

They accept each other as is.  These couples understand that problems are an inevitable part of any long-term relationship…Psychologist Dan Wile said it best in his book After the Honeymoon: “When choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next 10, 20 or 50 years.”

Bottom line: Acceptance of one another is of vital importance to every relationship – it is a big part of the foundation – the freedom – from which real love grows.

EXCERPTS FROM marcandangel.com

Single and Happy

Our Generation Has Ruined Being Single and Happy

Our generation has ruined being Single and happy

We are told that if we are not in a relationship, we are not wanted. They have told us that in order to be accepted, we need to receive love from someone other than ourselves.?But that is so wrong, because at the end of the day — our self-worth has absolutely nothing to do with what other people think of us and everything to do with what we think of ourselves

To be happy and with somebody else requires you to be happy by yourself first. Date yourself. Get to know yourself. Love yourself. Enjoy this time in your life because the only obligations you have are to yourself Read: Don’t be that girl: over 30, desperate and worried

This is the time to truly explore and discover things.?What good is being in a relationship if it isn’t right for you? So often we are in a rush to be in a relationship that we will settle for the first person that shows an interest in us. Not only is it not fair to the other person you are in the relationship with, you are taking away somebody else’ opportunity to be with you

Trust me — don’t worry about being single right now. Build your career. Pay off debt. Have fun. Explore your passions. Explore the world. Learn new things. Figure your shit out. Figure yourself out. Enjoy every second of this life. Don’t ever settle.

?Being single doesn’t mean that you are not wanted. It doesn’t mean that you are too picky. It simply means that you put a lot of thought into your choices and you’re going to make sure everything is right before you jump into something. Don’t let our generation tell you that what you want or need is wrong.?Learning to be single is an important part of growing. Be single. Be happy. Be you. It’s possible, I promise

Words: Jules Martin

when is a relationship a relationship

When is A Relationship A Relationship?

When is A Relationship A Relationship?

I am very forgetful in life. I hate when people who we tried to date real quick but lasted 2 months, try to claim we had a relationship. Especially when we didn’t even “keezz”. PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT: “I DONT KNOW WHO YOU EEEZZZ”.

I went for a secondary school friend’s party sometime last year. I was dancing away to Ebony band when someone tapped me from behind. I turned around, it was a nice looking man but he tried to hug me in excitement. Hell no! Who are you? I gave him a polite smile and said nicely “so sorry please remind me…” He was taken aback. He recovered quickly and said “Its me now, your ex, Hakeem in secondary school” My ex in secondary school! I laughed out loud, hugged him and turned away quickly. I still didn’t remember him but I was not happy at all with that label. Ex in Secondary school! Imagine dating in secondary school and in my 30s someone is claiming me as ‘EX’. Brother when are you going to fear God and repent? “ I don’t know who you eezzz!”Read: 10 choices I hope you don’t regret in 10 years




The other day, my friend sent me a very old picture on whatsapp. It was me and a guy who didn’t look familiar. I really tried my best for almost two minutes to remember who the person was but nothing came to mind, so I asked her “who is that?”. She sent me the laughter emoji in almost 10 lines, told me she has given up on me and eventually mentioned the guy’s name. Ah! I looked closer at the picture again, oh wow! This guy even gave me Valentine’s day gift one time o. But I still “don’t know who he eezzz”

Yesterday afternoon, my ex boyfriend called me to go see a movie with him. First of all, “NO”. Leave me alone. Secondly, I was hoping to finish a book I had been reading for the past 4 weeks and quickly get to another one so I didn’t intend going anywhere. Anyway, I decided to go see the 10.45pm movie because I had a mini writer’s block and I couldn’t concentrate on the book. I walked into the cinema and I see this ninja with some other girl. He tried to catch my eye but I walked slowly to the back of the cinema because at that moment, I was laughing, shaking my head in my mind and “I didnt ’t know who he eeezz”



I realise that anytime I slap myself in the brain for dating someone, I tend to slap them out of my brain. A relationship was a relationship only when we both agree it was a relationship! If we both cannot agree, “I don’t know who you eez”

Carve a Niche

9 Signs You’re Doing Better Than You Think You Are

As a reminder that everything is going to be okay, here are 9 signs you’re doing better than you think you are:

You’ve got a roof over your head…

Now, you may not have the means to splurge on this season’s hottest bag. But you’re capable of providing, putting food on the table — you’ve got clean water, the lights are on, and, occasionally, you’ve got a little extra to spare on a “good morning” latte. Because it’s the small things (we often neglect the most) that make all the difference!

You’ve got a solid support system…

I’m not telling you to squad up, a la Taylor Swift. Your “support system” could be a trusted teacher, neighbor, childhood friend — anyone that’ll hold you accountable — but more importantly, will pray with you. Often, when we face hard times, we neglect the many blessings we currently possess. This person will kindly remind you that you’re doing better than you think you are! Everything will be okay.

You’ve got a little something to look forward to…

While you may not be in the best mood, drowning in bills, or worse, thrown in the towel altogether, holding on to that ONE goal – for example, finishing your degree — will provide you with the ammunition you need to just keep swimming.

You’ve learned from your mistakes…

While I certainly don’t have all the answers, one thing I’ve learned (countless times), is that there is no one way to approach this little thing called life. Remember this: as long as you make the conscious decision to get up when you fall, failure is nothing but a fallacy. Anything is attainable if you never give up!

You’ve become somewhat of a chameleon…

Change is inevitable. It’s how you approach a new season that makes all the difference. If you’re able to approach life’s disasters with a little grace – not saying it’ll always be easy – you’ve nailed it. Coping skills are crucial when it comes to success. If you don’t work at developing these skills, failure will eat you up repeatedly, honey!

You know there’s more to life than material things…

In today’s social age, it’s easy to get caught up trying to “Keep Up with the Joneses.” Only, truth is, genuine happiness doesn’t come by way of material things. Fortunately, knowing is half the battle. If you’re aware that joy doesn’t lie in that Birkin bag, a new car, or a bigger house, you’re prioritizing areas of your life that are lifelong and hold real value: family, friends, or your career.

You’ve chosen happiness on your terms…

You’ve stopped chasing the world’s definition of happiness, and have begun to define your own path. It’s not about the chase, but recognizing that happiness is right at your feet – if you just take a minute to stop and smell the roses. Read: Let Loneliness Spur you into something to live for

You’ve got some stories for the grandkids…

What’s life without taking a few risks? Much like taking a leap of faith, jumping head first here or there is a great learning tool, which will equip you will the skills necessary to take on whatever hiccups the universe throws your way. Even better, you’ll have an arsenal of stories to tell.

Last, but certainly not least…

You remember who you are…

These words are ones I’ve heard since I was a child. Since I can remember, my father would yell, “Remember who you are,” as I ran out the door to school, basketball practice, hang out with friends, start my first job – you name it. While I didn’t quite understand the meaning as a youngster, as an adult, I get it.

As I stated earlier, life is chock full of transitioning periods. Nothing is set in stone. You will encounter all kinds of people, face all kinds of hardships, and you will fail from time to time. Still, you don’t let a little fork in the road, disappointment, or loss change you. You are resilient. You are strong. You are someone who, when knocked down, responds with a quick upper cut. You remember who you are and where you’re going. Trust, that alone will help you sleep better at night.

Keep going, sis!

From: Ruu Hawkins for XONecole

This Couple Was Married for 87 Years. And Now They Are Sharing Their Secrets With You!

Some things have stood the test of time; Zelmyra and Herbert Fisher are a shining example of love’s longevity. They made a commitment to spend all of their tomorrows together on May 13, 1924. They share their secret to their long lasting marriage below:

1. What made you realize that you could spend the rest of your lives together? Were you scared at all?
 
With each day that passed, our relationship was more solid and secure. Divorce was NEVER an option, or even a thought.
 
2. How did you know your spouse was the right one for you?
 
We were best friends before we married. A friend is for life; our marriage has lasted a lifetime.
 
3. What is your advice to someone who is trying to keep the faith that Mr. Right is really out there?
 
Zelmyra: Mine was just around the corner! He is never too far away, so keep the faith – when you meet him, you’ll know.
 
5. What was the best piece of marriage advice you ever received?
 
Respect, support, and communicate with each other. Be faithful, honest, and true. Love each other with ALL of your heart.

 
6. You got married very young – how did you both manage to grow as individuals yet not grow apart as a couple?

 
Everyone who plants a seed and harvests the crop celebrates together. We are individuals, but accomplish more together.
 
7. What is your fondest memory of your 85-year marriage?

Our legacy: 5 children, 10 grandchildren, 9 great-grandchildren, and 1 great-great grandchild.
 
8. Does communicating get easier with time? How do you keep your patience?
 
The children are grown, so we talk more now. We can enjoy our time on the porch or our rocking chairs – together.
 
9. How did you cope when you had to be physically separated for long periods of time?
 
Herbert: We were apart for 2 months when Z was hospitalized with our 5th child. It 
was the most difficult time of my life. Zelmyra’s mother helped me with the house and the other children; otherwise I would have lost my mind.Read: Mr and Mrs Oladimeji, married for 41 Years

 
10. At the end of bad relationship day, what is the most important thing to remind yourselves?

 
Remember marriage is not a contest, never keep a score. God has put the two of you together on the same team to win.
 
11. Is fighting important?
 
Never physically! Agree that it’s okay to disagree, and fight for what really matters. 
Learn to bend – not break!
 
12. What’s the one thing you have in common that transcends everything else?
 
…We pray with and for each other every day.
 
Story Credit: Epic Dash

Life is Too Short to Attach Yourself to Anyone’s Boxers

Women like me are tagged “radical”, “fiery”, “tough” etc but I since realized a long time ago that my happiness stares me in the face.

I’m solely responsible for my own happiness.

Marriage doesn’t validate or quantify one’s success.

I’m not a manager of happiness. It’s ALL or NOTHING with me.

Prayers are good but only when both souls agree to it.

I won’t whittle out for anyone who doesn’t prioritize me.

I’m Afolake. I’m different. I’m not scared of societal labeling. I validate my own truth.

As I’ve prepared myself as a treasure as a wife then he who marries me, must be lucky to get me.

No half measures. No second guessing.

Life is too short to attach your happiness to another’s boxers, moods or emotions.

I will continue to challenge the unfounded traditional myths that equates marriage with suffering. NO. The status quo must change and give way.

There’s no special place in heaven for best Miss or Mrs.

Till we rid ourselves of the congenital and societal backed belief that marriage is the solution to life’s problems, certain women shall continue to live in grief, violent, grey and toxic marriages.

No woman’s worth should be validated by marriage much less an erring husband returning home as a prized possession.

This is my creed. _ Folake Oyetesho

“I Was The Biggest Failure I Knew”- JK Rowling

Harry Portter Author, Jk Rowling had this to say about her journey to being a billionaire

“My name is JK Rowling… as soon as I knew who writers were, I wanted to be one. I’ve got the perfect temperament for a writer; perfectly happy, in a room making things up

The most traumatizing moment in my life was the day my mother died…and it shaped my whole life. I was writing Harry Potter the moment she died, so it’s not surprising that my books are largely about death. I know why Voldemort wants to conquer it. We’re all frightened of death…

After she died, I moved to Portugal to try to cope with the grief. Took up a job teaching, fell in and …out of love. I had a miscarriage, got married and gave birth to my daughter, Jessica. But my marriage lasted a mere 13 months and then I was a lone parent, jobless, and as poor as it is possible to be in modern Britain without being homeless

I had just three chapters of Harry Potter when I moved back to Britain…By every usual standard, I was the biggest failure I knew.

It took me seven years to complete the first Harry Potter book- ‘Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s stone’ and it was rejected twelve times by top publishing houses in Britain and I was told it would never sell…especially if kids knew a woman had written it. I had to initialize my name to give the book a fighting chance

Today, all seven Harry Portter books have sold over 450 million copies, been made into movies and keeps earning far more than I ever dreamt”.

Jk Rowling is estimated to be worth a little less than A Billion Dollars. She has made £526.54 per word written in the Harry Potter books

Oh God of Adesua…Fasting and Prayer ‘Continua’

On thursday I got a fish bone stuck in my throat. On saturday, it became unbearable so I decided to go to an ENT (Ear, Nose snd Throat) specialist.
When i got to the hospital, I told the lady at the front desk it was an emergency. I told her what the problem was and she immediately arranged for me to see the doctor as soon as he became available. I was in the process of replying some messages when the nurse came to call me, I told her to give me 2 minutes because I was sending an email. I had been called in to see the Doctor but I didn’t stand up immediately because I was sending an email. Some seconds later, I heard the Doctor’s loud voice:

“How can she say she has an emergency but she’s on the phone. If she’s not ready send in someone else”.

Huh? That’s rude. What doctor talks like that to his patients? I looked at the nurse and said..

“Thats a very rude doctor, I don’t want to see him. I’ll wait to see someone else.”

“No he meant no harm, he was just worried about you” she tried to placate me.



My mind was made up, I was going to wait to see another Doctor. I heard the same Doctor’s voice again but this time, it was inching closer.

“Where is miss…. Doesn’t she have an emergency?”

The doctor had walked into the reception, I deliberately refused to look up but someone must have pointed me out to him. He stood right in front of me and said..

“Ma’am, what’s wrong? I thought this was an Emergency.”

I looked up from my phone, ready to rant “yes it is but…”

HOOOOOLE UP!!!
I paused for 2 seconds..

“But it’s fine we can go. I was just upset you were yelling”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know I was yelling, could I take a look at you please?”

I stood up and followed him to his consultation room.



You may wonder why I changed my mind? This Doctor was so fine, he would make anyone pause in their tracks. Dark, clean shaven, tall, gap tooth… then when he smiled at me while apologising, he had a dimple on one side. In my heart I was already singing “I will follow youuuuuuuu, wherever you may gooooo”. So I followed.

“I’ll check your nose, throat and ear now then we’ll see what exactly is wrong.” Doctor Dimple said politely .

While I did as he instructed, I was giving God all the glory in my mind.

“Oh God of Adesua, you are awesome. Ordinary one day of fasting and prayer you have answered me quickly”.

After some prodding, he found the bone, removed it then pressed gently around my throat.

“Tell me if you feel any pain now” He said.

Sigh…What pain? Pain that I stopped feeling as soon as I saw him. Instead I said “It feels much better. Thank you”. He gave me some antibiotics and sent me on my way.

There was no excuse for me to stay anymore so I bid him farewell. I had to rush anyway, I needed to get home quickly to swallow another fish bone. While I was paying, the receptionist asked me if I felt better, I told her:

“Yes o. as soon as I saw the fine Doctor I was already okay”.

She bursted out laughing “That fine doctor is my husband o”.

I didn’t miss a beat.. “He is still fine jor. I was going to go home to swallow another bone but I’ve changed my mind”.

We both laughed, talked about how she must get that a lot and how much fun she has while at it. She was a good sport.

Oh God of Adesua, fasting and praying continua…

Does your Vagina Wrinkle Like an Old Man’s Balls as You Age?

What happens to your vagina as you age? Does it become wrinkled like an old man’s balls?

I spend all that money on anti-ageing moisturiser to keep my face from looking older than it actually is but today I thought to myself “Is there anti-ageing for the vulva/vagina too?” I know I’m not having sex right now but I still like to keep my vagina safe, clean and healthy. I am going to get married someday and I intend to have tons of sex. I am 33 years old, my years of married sex are dwindling, so I have been researching on the life span of my ‘jajaina’.I Need to know if or or when it will collapse
.
Please read the summary of my findings below:

First things first: While closely connected, your vulva and vagina are two different things. “The vulva is the outside, and the vagina is the canal,” says Dr Yael Swica, practitioner at Village Women’s Health in New York City . Your vulva remains largely unchanged from your late teens to your 40s, and even into your 50s. At some point, however, we can begin to experience Vulvovaginal Atrophy (The gradual loss of estrogen that comes with perimenopause and menopause. That means, “the tissue can become more pale and smoother, the labia can become less distinct, and the vulva will lose its fullness.”

The loss of our sex hormone (estrogen) can result in dramatic changes in the appearance and function of the vagina,” says Dr. Swica. “The vaginal opening can shrink, and the length of the vagina can shrink. You can also get irritation. ”Anywhere from 20 to 50 percent of women start to have this complaint of burning, itching—and these are chronic sensations,” says Dr. Swica. “With sex, it becomes more pronounced. And that’s when they’ll really notice it, because it’s painful.”

Solution/ Prevention:

You have to keep your pelvic floor in shape—a process that should begin after childbirth and continue throughout your life. Kegel exercises, in which you flex those pelvic floor muscles, are the best way to accomplish this. Happily, orgasms are another option. “The contractions a woman has while she’s orgasming? That’s the ideal kegel,” says Dr. Swica

Keep your vagina lubricated, pliable, and healthier by staying in practice. In other words, It is important to keep having sex. According to Doctor Swica, “In terms of how sex is affected with the vagina, if you don’t use it, you lose it,”
.
My Conclusion: Well, my consolation is that at least the vagina will not wrinkle like men’s scrotum as they age. That gives me peace of mind…sort of.

domestic violence

Domestic Violence has a Cause. If the women can avoid the cause, they can avoid the Violence: Technology and ‘yeye’ Equality has rendered most of our women senseless – Kay kross

The way people talk about domestic violence these days is making me think I don’t know what it is. Maybe I don’t know much, but I want to say the little I know.
 
Most of the so called female celebs and women generally are beginning to make it seem like a gender thing. It’s like domestic violence is only ?when a man beats a woman or harasses a woman domestically. How come nobody is talking about men suffering domestic violence? Because everyday, the women come out to complain.
 
The latest is our Nollywood sister, (I will not mention names).A woman who starves her husband is also violating him. Food, sex, attention etc. Or is it because the men don’t come out to talk? When the women are running their mouths and feeling in charge, nobody complains. When a man fights back, everyone starts calling the man names

The past few years, we have seen and heard about our so called celebrity wives facing domestic violence. There are women that are married to celebrity husbands and we hardly hear of any case of domestic violence. Why? Is it that the celebrity husbands don’t know how to beat women? Power and fame are two dangerous tools if they get into the wrong hands

Only a few women can handle fame. Once they get that fame and power, they never want to be tamed.
Don’t get me wrong, no human should beat up another human? I once saw a woman insulting her husband and dragging him. The man kept quiet. She held on to his belt, dragging and hitting him. The man eventually pushed her away so he could avoid her wahala. She fell and hit her face. Her face became swollen and she called police that her husband did it to her.

Some husbands have troublesome and nagging wives. Women that use words to molest and reduce men. What happened to happy marriages? Technology and ‘yeye’ equality has rendered most of our women senseless. Our fathers and mothers were never like this. Since I was born till date, I’ve never heard or seen my dad hit my mom. Why? The woman knows her place and respects her husband.
 
My opinion is this. Everything has a cause. Domestic violence has a cause. If the women can avoid the cause, they can avoid the violence. In Nigeria, who cries first is always the victim. The men will never cry out because they are men but some are going through hell in their homes

They can probably tell their close friends but not the public. The woman will always let everything out once the man fights back. All thanks to social media, nothing is hidden. I’m not saying some men don’t beat their wives but objects in the mirror are closer than they appear. Most times, the women drive them into it. Most times, the women violate the men and as men, they keep quiet based on logistics and pride as men. ?No man would be proud to say his wife beat him up.
 
Let me say this again!? I don’t support a man beating his wife. All I’m saying is, if these so called female celebs would pay more attention to their homes, they would have happy marriages. They are always on social media, shows, movie sets, etc they hardly stay at home.
 
Even God knew Adam would cause war if left alone. The Bible said that God saw that IT WAS NOT GOOD TO LEAVE MAN ALONE so He created a woman. 
 
Everything is going wrong because everyone wants equality. The women are no longer submissive. They start earning more than their husbands and boom! They want to be the head and the men… You know what happens next

And when the men talk, they don’t listen because they are now the head. When the men realize that their wives don’t listen, they use force to remind them that they are still the head.Then the stupid woman comes out to “Say no to domestic violence”.
 
Only a mad man, a possessed man and a drunk man would beat a woman without reason. Know your place as a wife, respect your husband, create time for your family, pay less attention to the public and build your home. Social media won’t help you.
 
Say no to domestic violence, pray more and talk less.

God Is Love Always

#DANG Kay kross

Banky W and Adesua Etomi are Engaged. This is not A Movie

BANKYW AND ADESUA ETOMI ARE ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A MOVIE

I was working when I heard this news. My friend who knew Banky and I had a past, called me to tell me. I stopped for a minute, checked to see it was true and then I asked my colleague “What is this life?” “It is just a pot of beans, and not even Ewa Aganyin” I answered myself before he could say anything

Banky is such a player! Men are scums! All that virtual relationship we had, all the while he was scoping someone else? Adesua and I look alike though, no, seriously. the only difference is I’m not yellow, I don’t have a gap tooth and I don’t have natural hair. It’s all my fault, I was posing, I should have slid into his DM

Sigh…

What will I do now? Banks is gone, RMD is gone… It’s time for me to focus on real people in real life. It’s too hard. So harddddd. My heart is broken, I need champagne (I only drink Rosè) to wash away this pain

When a man knows what he wants, he goes after it, and keeps pushing until he gets it. Girls I hope you can see, all those chocomilo boys that try for one/two weeks and complain to their friends that you’re posing; here is Banky, who could have had any girl he wanted but focused on this one because he knew he had found what he wanted. He waited a year and a half y’all. A man who think’s you’re worth it will not give up at the slightest chance, that kind of man is the only one that’s worth it.

Congratulations Banky and Adesua. The Bible says we should pray for our enemies. So I pray this union brings absolute joy and progress for both of you. I’m a die hard romantic, so this made me super happy