I want to share my story because I am trying to heal a day at a time. Sometime I laugh at my stupidity and the dumb decisions I made and it is very disgusting to me myself not to talk about others so here we go. Let me add quietly some of my friends and family follow and they won’t believe that this mess is happening to me.
I was always the Standoffish girl who would never date anyone beneath me or just didn’t want a relationship at all because I don’t have patience for men. Fast forward to after law school, my mom applied for US visa luckily for me I was granted and she paid for my ticket as a gift for finishing law school and being called to the bar. While I was planning to come to the USA, my mom introduced a guy to me and I told her I was not interested but I later got talking to him.
He was slow and not my type so I was not into him, cut the long story short we started dating (even though I didn’t like him). I came to the US and we met face to face, still didn’t fall over heels but I just continued with him. Then we found out that he was just an high school graduate so my mom was against us getting married but by then he had disvirgined me so I told my mom by force by fire na him I must marry. We didn’t talk for 2 months, I had people beg her that ‘na this guy I go marry’ and she said whatever I see for the marriage na my problem be that and I told her I will cope with it.
We got married and I moved to the US, it was hell from the start cos according to him my mum didn’t like him because he was not educated( so why marry me), I disgust him and he would beat me at the slightest chance he gets. He talks to his girlfriends in my presence and I got ignored by him but I knew I must swallow whatever I got.
A year into the marriage and nothing to show. Pressure from both families began, I was dead alive, frustrated, depressed and tired. We decided to run tests to be sure we are okay. It turned out my husband has zero not low zero sperm The doctor said sperm donor is our only option. My husband refused ( his excuse was someone in future would come forward to claim the kids) I told him a million times that the donors are anonymous- we don’t know them, they don’t know us but he refused. I was living like a shadow of myself then came Mr handsome and sweet. I thought my life was finally in the right place not knowing I was in a deep shit.
Now I started cheating , he was my kind- educated, smart, intelligent, tall, good looking, sweet, fun loving and we can gist for hours nonstop. 3 months into it, we started having sex, I loved it cos he was my 2nd and he was good. I was in love oh, and we saw each other every day at work so it was just so perfect. I did anything he wanted, he wanted money every time and I gave him $500/$600 for whatever and I didn’t question him. I wanted him happy so that things will be fine with us. He made sure I cooked for him , Nigerian food because his American wife was black American. Few months into the relationship, I got pregnant and he wanted me to take it out, I wondered why because I thought we were fine. Bros get wife and children for Naija. This is trouble, did I say i was still married to my husband at this time. So I told bros I was not taking it out, I gave the baby to my husband and he was happy.
Myself and bros still dey date oh, this is where I tell you I was dump/ stupid . After all the ill treatment I got from him, we continued and 6 months after my baby was born, I got pregnant again. I got the insult/ curse of my life. iImmediately, I went to abort the baby because I loved bros and would do anything he wanted. I was his sex slave and my money was his money, anything that would make him happy I did. I wanted to keep him by force.
My baby was 8months, I got pregnant again and this time I told him to go fuck himself and that I was keeping this. It was hell and I had to tell my mom, she almost killed me… she took knife and wanted to kill me. So now I have 2 kids but my husband thought they were his by miracle.
Guilt was killing day after day that I had to tell my husband and he almost killed me too ( I wonder why I am not dead because every body wanted me dead). He didn’t believe it because I was the good wife and you would never think of me as a cheat.
Bros was still in the picture at that time, he knew I loved him and would take him back anytime.
Now to the present, I am divorced, living with my mom with 2 kids and I have to work hard. Bros was still collecting my money as always and just last month I open eye after almost 4years that this guy just dey use me. Even when I tell him I don’t have,he does not care and I had to find it one way or the other. He wants to keep collecting but never wants to be in my kids’ life.
I am at the place where I know I fucked up amd I take responsibility for my mistakes but I have to live for these kids, I can’t afford not to. It is so hard but I must keep moving. I hope God has mercy and forgive me cos that’s all I need now, his grace and mercy.
It seems like a film to me too but this is my mess and I have to keep moving.
Written by anonymous for Diaryofanaijagirl.ng