Today I’m very hurt and angry at myself, here’s why. 8 years ago, I lost my virginity to a sexual predator, I was only 17 at the time and was on my own for the first time ever, in a completely different city hours away from everyone and everything I knew, I had always had my very protective mum or siblings watching out for me so I didn’t really know how to handle myself on my own. I have always been a conservative person and one major flaw I had, (still have) is being so easily trusting, I didn’t have to know you to trust you or your words, I just have to feel somewhat comfortable with you.
The rape incident quickly turned my life inside out and opened the door for a whole lot of bad things to happen to me. Fast forward to tonight, I decided it was time to be free, I had been constantly told that I needed to openly and genuinely forgive myself and everyone I hold a grudge against in order to be completely free. This rapist had reached out to me last year saying he’d been searching for me and wants me to forgive him but I told him off, tonight after deciding to finally tow the path of forgiveness, I decided to reach out to him, I found him on Facebook and told him he was free of any grudge/hate from me but I think I might have just hurt myself rather than liberate myself.
He just made light of the whole thing, I feel so hurt and humiliated over again, he thinks he did nothing to me and that his act was completely justified. I only just wanted to be free but I’m so hurt all over again, it’s like reliving age 17. Forgiveness and freedom might just be overrated after all.