I’m so unhappy. I have put in so much effort and resources to see my son becomes better and responsible in future. My life/ well being/ career is stagnant all because I want the best for him.
My son’s gene is 100% his fathers’! A father he has neither seen nor benefited a dime from. Yet all behavioural and physical characteristics points towards him! I am in pains. I am in tears as I type this…
I am a single mum, I was 16, naive and I just left secondary school. If I recall honestly, the sex was manipulated and non consensual( I wasn’t forced or beaten either). I got pregnant as a result, had the baby and started dating him because he manipulated me all the time to believe I would never be loved or accepted by any other guy but him. He even manipulated me into keeping his identity secret from my parents ( when they asked who was responsible and how it happened. Until recently, when I revealed WHO). He would beat me mercilessly at any slightest provocation with belts, cursing my mum/ entire family and while I am groaning in pains, he would apologise and then have his way with me.
Quite a number of times. he would make jest of me and my family that we are only helping him take care of his son and since he is a boy, he’ll definitely ask of his father. ( Did I mention that I’d always take the boy to his house without my family knowing). Oh! Once he even broke my waist while beating me, I got home and told a lie to my mum that I fell down while trying to sit on a broken chair. What about the countless times I was beaten because I said it was over between us?
Then suddenly, I don’t know how but I got over everything after I summoned courage and left him. Like I completely moved on! Started life all over, got admission and took my son from my parents in the village to stay with me. I battled with school ( as my parents were already retired) and did odd jobs( nothing indecent) to ensure we were OK, with little help from my siblings. How about my son’s school teachers knowing me too well because I’d always default with school fee payment??? How they’d sneak in my son into the exam hall with promises that I’d pay up before the school vacates!
I am tearing up as I type this because my little 10 year old has 100% his father’s gene! The lying, sugar coated tongue, stealing, terrible anger issues, manipulative devil etc etc.
I always stood up for my little boy! I remember taking him all the way to the shop of a guy he said tried to touch his private part. I had the guy apologise to him after I gave him a deafening slap! (I stood up to the men saying it was wrong of me to have laid a finger on the guy,until they had no more to say than apologise). Or was it the times I fought with my siblings for using derogatory words & statements on him??? I tried to show him how I was willing to stand by/ with him any day so long as he was on the right part. How did I ever get it wrong??? I would counsel him when he did something wrong and told a truth about it.
On the other hand, I’d beat him for doing something and telling a lie about it. I’d never hesitate to take us on outings whenever there was an extra inflow , just so it could be balanced! But to my greatest disappointment, my little boy has a double personality! He is sweet, cheerful,caring and godlike when I’m around (he’d even caution me if I do something wrong and would have me apologise to the person), but in my absence, he is the true definition of his father! He’s always filled with rage,anger,greed etc.
I remember one day I came back from work, he told me how a girl in his school got him upset over something and how he was so angry he feared he’d beat his wife when he gets married! Yes, I was shocked too but I calmed my nerves and talked to him about it.
Recently, a family member stood him in my presence while narrating stuffs I’d have sworn on God’s name he would never do! ( painful part is, the person said he was telling me all of those so I won’t disgrace myself by standing up for him when there are such occurrences). I am shaken and I really do want to take him back ( as much as I am still struggling to make ends meet, I didn’t mind putting a hold on myself while focusing on his future.)
I am an unhappy woman and if he grows up under my care and still ends up like his father, I may not be able to handle it well. (I had huge dreams for us?)
Here’s what I think of doing : Take him to his paternal side but still ensure he attends school. So every month, I’ll send in some little amount for his upkeep etc. Or is there some sort of parenting skill I haven’t tried that could overpower the gene??? I need help! I need advise, caution me where you think I got it wrong because I really need to come to a conclusion.
P.S : His father and family are actually not educated ( yes he lied he was a graduate awaiting NYSC then), but I am AFRAID! I am afraid of what would happen seeing that these genetic traits keeps manifesting as he gets older. And in all honesty, I really crave happiness too.
Written by anonymous for Diaryofnaijagirl.ng