I think that if I had married someone closer to me in age, my home would be happier

9 October 08, 2018 By Dang

The thing is I’ve been married for almost four years now and in this time if I put together the times I’ve been genuinely happy, I don’t think its even 3 months.

My husband is really responsible to be honest, he does his best to make his family comfortable and he’s a faithful man as far as I know, but he’s too strong-headed and I think he was raised with the ‘boys can get away with whatever’ mentality. When we have fights, I almost always initiate the process of reconciliation and after having a lengthy conversation in most cases, I have to literally beg him to say he’s sorry.

He was raised with the believe that when he offends a person, it doesn’t matter how upset they are, if he doesn’t feel like he was wrong then he never apologises. But me I know that saying sorry makes things better and you should say it to pacify a person who feels offended, or at least that’s what I was taught.

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Another thing is my husband is super petty. If I do something to offend him knowingly or not, he almost always serves it right back, and when I tell him that his pettiness really puts me off, he just gets defensive and says what makes me think I’m allowed to do certain things because I’m a woman and he’s not. Another issue i have is that  he’s not expressive like that and that really annoys me, I can be doing chores for four straight hours, passing by his side the whole time and I don’t get a word of appreciation, he says I love you most of the time only after I’ve said it.

He hardly ever sends nice messages but would only reply mine. He’s just not romantic. I’ve complained and complained to the point where I started to sound like a broken record and all he says is when we get rich, we’ll travel the world and do fun stuff but I always point it out to him that in as much as we both hustling and hope that things get better, they never might and you don’t necessarily need a lot of money to be romantic, there are inexpensive ways to spice things up.

When I was pregnant with both my kids, I hated him. He never really helped me with any chores even with all the morning sickness I endured. He would just say when I complain that I should just let things be and relax. So my house should now be dirty because I’m pregnant. I just think he’s too old school for my liking. He’s almost 9 years older than I am though but I never thought that would be a problem, but now I just think that if I had married someone closer to me in age, things would be different.

Bottom line is I’m just fed up. Deep down I don’t doubt that I love this man and I don’t doubt that he loves me right back, but his attitude is seriously bridging a dangerous gap between us and sometimes I just want to leave the marriage because I’ve realised that I’m not happy being here but then I think about the fact that I won’t get any support from my family because they believe in the concept of for better for worse and would only make an exception in the case of domestic violence, and also about the fact that I might not be able to support myself and my kids if I leave. I have suggested we see a marriage counsellor several times but he’s not on board with the idea because he doesn’t want us to take our issues to a third party.

Written by anonymous for Diaryofanaijagirl.ng

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9 comments on “I think that if I had married someone closer to me in age, my home would be happier

  1. Anonymous

    You sound like me. I am experiencing same thing with my husband of 4 yrs too who is 11yrs older than. It degenerated to a lot of arguments, bitterness and distancing, even fighting. Everyday i wonder if i shouldn’t taken that walk down the aisle. Right now we are just living like housemates. Afffections is almost dead. Sometimes he tries to be affectionate but i feel almost nothing anymore. I just pray God to help me




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  2. Anonymous

    It doesn’t matter if he’s closer to tour age, I married someone close to my age and I’ve had to deal with the exact same ish. I’m beginning to believe it’s a man thing bit unfortunately I’m no longer able to tolerate it.




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  3. Anonymous

    I dont think it has to do with the age difference cos my hubby is 3 years older than I am. And I have wondered what it would have been like if I had married someone much older with the believe that he would be more matured and I wld be happier. I guess it’s about a man’s upbringing and personality… not age.




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  4. Anonymous

    It’s not about the age difference. I’ve been married for 9 years to someone barely two years older than me and he is exactly like this. I’ve given up on him changing and just keep to myself and kids.




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  5. Ayo

    I laugh when I see posts like this,we women see all these signs (well 90 of the time we do) but we deceive ourselves into believing what ever,(I:e he would change, I can manage this,maybe it’s me etc) we can to get is through and then marry these men and come on blog to cry about it. So that we can do what?
    If you extensively dated these men ,watched out for the signs and flaws,u you would see it.(unless he is sycophantic)
    I’m sure he didn’t just wake up one morning to be petty or refuse to say sorry after arguments, character is like smoke,it can be covered for awhile yes but can’t be hidden, you saw all these yet married him.

    So basically it’s your cross,you pray that God gives you the grace to continue with the decision you made 4 or so years ago. Good luck.




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  6. anonymous

    mine is 14yrs older than i am.its realy hearth breaking cos we virtually live like strangers,when i look at our four kids i just dont know how to break free.the love has totally gone and our being together is just to give our kids a home,nothing like romance or apreciation at home despite my major contributions and hard work over these years. well i have learnt to survive with Gods help.




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  7. Anonymous

    I didn’t know this phenomenon was common. My husband is 12 years older. I have given up on the plenty expectations listed in this article and I do not complain. I consider it my cross and burden to carry by God’s grace. This makes me easily, swiftly glide thru the marriage. Unfortunately our 2 kids are the main focus in the home now. Not ourselves, though we try. We hardly argue, I manage around all the situations and I smell the coffee. The big problem with this attitude of mine is smelling the coffee and the flowers by a window, and seeing fine, exciting, fun, loving and most especially younger guys. I am 30 y.o and… I need grace. And mercy.




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  8. Anonymous

    I also had some of these issues at the early stage of my marriage. It can be resolved to a reasonable extent by not loosing hope on your marriage and making efforts daily. Not sure what causes this behavior from African men; I’m of the opinion that it’s hard for them to trust their wives. They don’t agree when pointed out but I feel it’s the case. Wonder why marriages have issues when families relocate? Wives see how marriages should be and revolt. You need to prayerfully and purposefully trash it out with your husband.




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  9. Kells

    You need to read “The five love languages for married couples” by Gary Chapman. It will really help you with your marriage. It’s possible that your husband does not feel loved by you that’s why it’s difficult for him to express your love language or he doesn’t even know your love language because all he hears is you nagging not you communicating. From your write up, yours Will be “word’s of affirmation” and “quality time” . You need to find out what his language is and speak it to him, talking will change nothing. When you start to speak his and his tank is almost full, you can then try little by little to tell him yours. Example “baby I feel loved when you _____” . By then he feels loved by you and would want you to feel loved by him too . Please try to read that book, there’s a lot of information in that book that could help transform your marriage. Good luck




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