Why Intoxication Did Not Make My Problems Go Away

0 September 22, 2018 By Dang

To understand my story you need to understand me – I am almost 22. I’ve grown up in a family that has seen its fair share of good and not so good days. I am mostly quiet because I over-think way too much.

I believe love comes in different shapes and sizes. I believe in making real connections yet fear the pain that comes with it. I’ve met a countless broken-souls and heard their stories. I believe, ‘It takes one to know one’, and strive to live by it every day.

I have a lot of people who care very deeply about me, yet, at times I can’t help but feel a sharp sudden pain in my heart.

Now that you know me a little better it will make things a little easier for you to understand.

I began drinking when my school was about to end. The first time I drank I was 17. I was at a friend’s place and I drank most of it neat. It was whiskey.

I cried way too much that night. Believe it or not, it felt great. Primarily because I was so emotionally constipated. I needed an outlet.

The second time I drank was with my sister. I should have taken a couple of notes about my tolerance because that night I puked and passed out in my washroom. And if you’re wondering, yes, I cried again when I was all alone and my sister had passed out.

I don’t remember the third or the fourth.

After approximately the seventh time I graduated into an occasional drinker.

And that was that.

When I got admitted to one of the better colleges in the country that is when alcohol started having a more profound effect on my life. I drank when I was stressed, happy, anxious or sad. I attached intoxication to the happening or non-happening of a certain event.

See, as I look back, the reason becomes clear. My ego and pride had taken a huge hit when I cut corners to ensure my admission and I just wasn’t ready to deal with it. Hence, I turned to alcohol because I didn’t really have friends then.

College began and I met a hundred different people. I made it a point to go ahead and introduce myself to everyone in my sight.

Most of them thought I was pretty weird but I wanted to ensure college began on a different note. I was going to make some real connections in this new city.

And I did.

You see I believe that when things happen they happen all at once or not at all. Here I was making some real connections or trying to and then my family broke apart and it broke me instead. That is when things took a turn for the worse.

I am not at liberty to say more because it’s not really my story to share but yeah things at home weren’t as well as I would want them to be.

When I Stopped Competing, I Set Myself Free

I was emotionally traumatised and things were still crumbling all over the place. I didn’t like college all that much and there was this constant emptiness within me.

Now understand something. I am not justifying anything. I am just trying to make you understand how it got worse. Also, I am in no way blaming anyone for my mistakes. It was all me and it is forever going to be. But maybe you’ll forgive me like I’ve forgiven myself.

So, I drove head-fast into alcohol. One or two pegs turned into a small-bottle a day. A year later it turned into a litre.

And then I knew I Had to stop.

I drink once a week now. Mostly on weekends. I am much much better now and as I look back I get it. Here is what I know now –

  1. Intoxication will not make your pain go away. If you’re intoxicating yourself to forget, you’re delaying the inevitable. Trust me. It will come back to bite you.
  2. I know I should have dealt with things head-on. Even though it’s easier said than done but you’ll have to deal with it someday anyway.
  3. I plagued by this constant emptiness inside me. I felt so utterly lonely – it’s difficult to explain. But, I did have a lot of people who actually cared. I was just not ready to even give them a chance. Try and reach out. You’ll be surprised by how many will give their best to make you better.
  4. Share. Talk to people. Tell them what’s bothering you. You’ll be surprised by how many would understand or actually try to. If you’re going through a rough phase reach out. You are bigger than your ego or your pride.
  5. If you choose to see an expert tell them the truth. I hid many things from most of the people I saw and that made the whole thing worse.

Just remember. Intoxication is just your way of distracting yourself from the truth. Don’t let it take over your life.

Source: Possibilitychange.com

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