To understand my story you need to understand me – I am almost 22. I’ve grown up in a family that has seen its fair share of good and not so good days. I am mostly quiet because I over-think way too much.
I believe love comes in different shapes and sizes. I believe in making real connections yet fear the pain that comes with it. I’ve met a countless broken-souls and heard their stories. I believe, ‘It takes one to know one’, and strive to live by it every day.
I have a lot of people who care very deeply about me, yet, at times I can’t help but feel a sharp sudden pain in my heart.
Now that you know me a little better it will make things a little easier for you to understand.
I began drinking when my school was about to end. The first time I drank I was 17. I was at a friend’s place and I drank most of it neat. It was whiskey.
I cried way too much that night. Believe it or not, it felt great. Primarily because I was so emotionally constipated. I needed an outlet.
The second time I drank was with my sister. I should have taken a couple of notes about my tolerance because that night I puked and passed out in my washroom. And if you’re wondering, yes, I cried again when I was all alone and my sister had passed out.
I don’t remember the third or the fourth.
After approximately the seventh time I graduated into an occasional drinker.
And that was that.
When I got admitted to one of the better colleges in the country that is when alcohol started having a more profound effect on my life. I drank when I was stressed, happy, anxious or sad. I attached intoxication to the happening or non-happening of a certain event.
See, as I look back, the reason becomes clear. My ego and pride had taken a huge hit when I cut corners to ensure my admission and I just wasn’t ready to deal with it. Hence, I turned to alcohol because I didn’t really have friends then.
College began and I met a hundred different people. I made it a point to go ahead and introduce myself to everyone in my sight.
Most of them thought I was pretty weird but I wanted to ensure college began on a different note. I was going to make some real connections in this new city.
And I did.
You see I believe that when things happen they happen all at once or not at all. Here I was making some real connections or trying to and then my family broke apart and it broke me instead. That is when things took a turn for the worse.
I am not at liberty to say more because it’s not really my story to share but yeah things at home weren’t as well as I would want them to be.
I was emotionally traumatised and things were still crumbling all over the place. I didn’t like college all that much and there was this constant emptiness within me.
Now understand something. I am not justifying anything. I am just trying to make you understand how it got worse. Also, I am in no way blaming anyone for my mistakes. It was all me and it is forever going to be. But maybe you’ll forgive me like I’ve forgiven myself.
So, I drove head-fast into alcohol. One or two pegs turned into a small-bottle a day. A year later it turned into a litre.
And then I knew I Had to stop.
I drink once a week now. Mostly on weekends. I am much much better now and as I look back I get it. Here is what I know now –
- Intoxication will not make your pain go away. If you’re intoxicating yourself to forget, you’re delaying the inevitable. Trust me. It will come back to bite you.
- I know I should have dealt with things head-on. Even though it’s easier said than done but you’ll have to deal with it someday anyway.
- I plagued by this constant emptiness inside me. I felt so utterly lonely – it’s difficult to explain. But, I did have a lot of people who actually cared. I was just not ready to even give them a chance. Try and reach out. You’ll be surprised by how many will give their best to make you better.
- Share. Talk to people. Tell them what’s bothering you. You’ll be surprised by how many would understand or actually try to. If you’re going through a rough phase reach out. You are bigger than your ego or your pride.
- If you choose to see an expert tell them the truth. I hid many things from most of the people I saw and that made the whole thing worse.
Just remember. Intoxication is just your way of distracting yourself from the truth. Don’t let it take over your life.