Maybe he was an abuser, maybe he just handled hurt the wrong way, I will never know for sure

1 September 17, 2018 By Dang

I was in a very toxic abusive relationship, extremely toxic. I really do not want to address my abuser as a he hence I will just say “the past.” The past was the best and probably one of the worst that may have happened to me in a while. I never saw it coming, I knew something was wrong but I did not know it was this deep an abuse, heck I did not even know I dated an abuser till I decided to search what I went through online. I will rather not go into details on my story as it may bore you.

I was with my ex for close to four years and had close to three wonderful years with him. As the years went by, I began to notice he become extremely jealous over the minute things. There was one incident where I made a friend with a guy who came over from outside the country, he made friends with my family really quick and we were all excited to meet him. Me being the socialite of the group, I kept in touch and he asked us (my family) to go see a movie and I decided to take permission from “my man” and he flared up.

Because of that, I had to cancel with no solid reason and seeing as I was the one in communication with him, my family could not go anymore, that incident passed and months later, my friend came over to my city again and asked that we all hang out. we scheduled a meet date and last minute, my siblings had to cancel due to some family issues. My sister advised I still go as we had cancelled on him for a long time, now the venue of the meet up was a hotel and I told him I was the only one coming hence, we decided to meet in the hotel lounge,

Anyway, “the past” got wind of it somehow and called me till my battery died. It became a whole mess and he flew down to see me (we were long distance) and I had to apologise for what I did not even know I did because my sister told me to go kneel and beg him that I was wrong for seeing a man in a hotel. lol.  For six months, he held that incident to heart, telling me I cheated ,I went to see a man in a hotel and I cannot tell him that nothing happened. I felt guilty and I kept apologising till the incident passed after six months because I stood my ground and said I never cheated.

Anyway, he was verbally abusive as well and it became too much for me and I had to break it off when I realised I was crying everyday non-stop for almost a year because of things he would say to me like how I will be like his mum (his parents are divorced ) and I have a mouth on me hence I remind him of his mum , that it was the reason why his parents divorced. I am very quiet in nature and the moment I began to speak out was when I noticed he entertained girls he should not be entertaining. Now the twist was for every time he got insecure about me , somehow I will find him involved in things with girls he should not be involved with. I swallowed a lot of things but I knew something was just wrong.

After I broke it off, I guess he did not take me serious , we hardly kept in touch for a month or so and I found someone at my new place of work attractive and decided to date him (big mistake of course), I went on a date and all of a sudden “the past” pops up from nowhere and calls me! Of course, me knowing the past he must have been tracking me or something, he said he was jealous after I confirmed I was indeed on a date and he asked to come over and I told him at his own risk.

I had a date that period , I was not going to cancel and decided to go ahead with it, I did not tell him, he started looking for me, calling my colleagues, friends and sisters, I came back and things went south, he lifted me up and pushed me to a wall twisted my arm and used my thumb to unlock my phone and locked it in a room in my house. I had to call a friend of his who came around and tried to settle things, anyway the whole night my sister and his friend kept pleading with him to give me my phone back even after his friends left my sister kept pleading, he refused.

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The next morning it became a hot mess, he started crying and saying I hurt him and all and of course I felt horrible, he gave me my phone back and I kept getting calls from work, he had called most of my guy friends at work. It was a big mess Ife. Stupid ol’ me kept trying to mend things, kept blaming myself , tagged myself a cheat and begged him. Now the thing is whenever I was around in his place, he will take me out but now in hind sight I realised he always took me to private places, I kept asking what we were doing but instead, he will flare up and call me a whore and a cheat , telling me I should have done better, one time he smirked at me saying I decided to move on to a scum bag,  that he will teach his kids that if they were moving on they should move on to better, he will insult me and make me cry every time , he will insult who I dated and proudly tell me he followed and paid heavily to know about him.

I decided to move  as a lot of things were too much for me and of course he said I was moving because of the guy, his aunt and mum will call me asking why I moved, his mum even made a statement saying he should be careful about me maybe there is someone else (well according to him, that is what he told me) , apparently he kept stalking me after I moved, he had insulted me saying I made him waste his money on a ring and he had to return it. On one occasion I was in his city and of course after one of our ‘secret ‘ outings, “the past” told me he had found someone he wants to get married to but cannot tell me who she was, I sent him a mail wishing him well and he called saying I should not be like that, he said she respected him more than I ever did.

Any way my dear Ife, to cut the long story short, he is married now, in the space of two months or so after this whole charade was happening and after 6 months or more after we broke up. He married one of the ladies I had a very big issue with at that time. Up until I saw his engagements pictures, he was still calling me, saying he loves me and all, he was still mad at me whenever I did not pick up, he insulted me almost everyday during that period, saying I finally got a job and never gave him anything, he called me a whore and said he hopes I change, that there is a lot I need to change about myself and he hopes I work on it. Before I found out about his engagement, he sent me a mail after I blocked him saying he never wanted to speak to me again and my ‘ work boo’  spoke evil about me at work. I am no longer with work boo.  

Sometimes I still hurt because I don’t know how to understand what happened. If I ever see him again, I have no idea how I will react. Of course you trust I blamed myself for pushing him away for a long time but I talked to someone and they told me to forgive myself, I have forgiven myself and I am counting the goodness of his absence in my life and it outweighs his presence, he was extremely sweet don’t get me wrong but of course we know most times they are the sweetest and people never see them coming or believe they can do such, maybe he was an abuser , maybe he just handled hurt the wrong way, I will never know for sure. I still hurt sometimes but step by step day by day I am healing. Some days are extremely difficult but like my momma will say, you will get to understand it by and by.

Written by Anonymous for


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