The story of the cheating husband and the one about the lady who read her fiance’s chat with his friend inspired me to write this. Hmmmm! Let me tell my story.
I am recently separated and filing for a divorce. We were married for 9 years and thankfully, we have no kids together. Why did I leave? My husband was a lazy serial cheat.
Now to the story about cheating husbands, when I chose to leave, even the church I went to for counselling advised me to pray for him and didn’t see the issue as that big a deal. Not until I told them how financially irresponsible he was (this is the tie-in to the freeloading fiance). My heart still bleeds because I would have stayed if his only flaw was that he was lazy but he was faithful to me. The cheating was what I couldn’t take, more so from a lazy man. Wetin? Na only me waka come?
To be honest, I cannot beat my chest and say that if every time he was caught, he lay on the ground and begged and then spoiled me silly with cash and attention, that I would not still be managing the situation, but this was not the case. So no judgement here.
Instead, I learnt that the money he claimed he “didn’t have” has been going to his different girlfriends.
One day, your generous heart will be burnt when you realise that little by little, your husband has been leaving all the bills for you to pay and his money is going to “outsiders”.
Your respect and admiration for him will diminish when you realise he has stopped growing career-wise but why does he need to? He has you. Your googly eyes will clear when you see that his enthusiastic support for your business (except financially), is really about him securing his future.
Your loving heart will break even further when you refuse to loan him money for a project you do not believe in and he displays his resentment for you by being careless with his philandering to “show you he is a man”.
When my ex husband lost his job, he made no move to get another one. When his friend lost his job and I showed concern, he told me not to weep for him, that he’ll get something soon. I said if it was that easy, he also would be employed by now and he said “XXX has no backup, he will hustle harder”. Though my Ex received a generous pay out and he could have hidden under that, he confirmed that I was the backup he was referring to. My Ex had no problem telling me that I was the reason he could relax and plan his “next strategy”. Since he had this “backup”, this man blew 20 million in one year and made no investments.
That year was the worst in my life, he all but moved into a brothel in our estate and my father refused to help me gain membership into his Country Club cause he couldn’t imagine my husband bringing his girlfriends there. In that year, he kept singing that he had no job so I carried the full weight of our home and then one day, I found out he was borrowing money. 20 million was gone in a year and less than 1m was spent on our home or me, not that I needed it but no investment towards our future was made.
Another day, I found out he had borrowed my car and money from me to go on a fancy date with some chick. Meanwhile I was spending tidy sums on fancy dates for us monthly. This is minus 8 years of stories from people willing to lose our friendship to offload their conscience, condoms in his car and laptop bag, loads of other obvious stuff in my face, signs that he would never apologise for because he knew I would let it go with time for my peace of mind.
And yes treating the occasional “toilet infection”.
I will not go into the several loans he will secure just to blow on parties I wasn’t invited to, the millions I have “borrowed him’ I won’t ever get back. None of it was ever on anything important. Or my botched IVF session (fully paid for by me) that left me with two drains hanging out of my body and where was he? Partying through Lagos. He came to the hospital once during my 3-day stay and came to visit me at my parents home in the mornings on his way to a party during my five-day stay.
The day I went back home, I was home alone till 2am with a tiny hole in my tummy where my drain used to be. I took 70 injections over two weeks mostly alone. That period was when my eyes cleared and I realised I was alone. Seeing clearly now, I stopped denying his cheating and stopped loaning him my car. This is where I learnt that my Ex was only tender when he wanted something.
I had never noticed before and when I called him out on it, he stopped even trying and in those two years, I got over my husband, while still living with him and paying through my nose to maintain a lifestyle I realised I wasn’t interested in anymore. I now live alone at a healthy fraction of my previous cost and the best part? No more heart breaks. Though I paid for 80% of everything in our home, I left it all and took just my personal effects.
To also be fair, in my case, I had a few years of blissful ignorance before I allowed myself accept the truth. In my years of ignorance, I had fun, we had fun, when he was present or he needed something, he was amazing, but all the other time in between, I buried myself in work and I am a professional blessed by God. Your fiance will tell you it was a joke and he was kidding and maybe something you did recently triggered those words but be wise.
It may even be true, but deep down, this is how he feels about you. He doesn’t ask you for money now, but it’s coming and soon you will find yourself servicing your marriage with a fund set aside for miscellaneous . ie your husband. Chei! I thank God for deliverance. In less than 6 months, my miscellaneous fund is enough for a down-payment on a home for myself.
No man is perfect and the next one might be worse, but we aren’t built to carry the load of our men and families. Women who have done this successfully have been married to men of great strength of character that were epitome of genuine support and true partnership. The amount of trust they must have in each other will be enviable and easy to see. I still yearn for this. What I had been a freeloader with no plan for his life except…me.
I was his plan, his insurance and back-up. Yours sounds like mine, don’t ignore his words. Unless of course you are very evolved and being the bread-winner is fine by you and maybe like me, a lazy man is not a deal-breaker but a lazy cheating man? Who can stand this? I am not that evolved and I got out before it broke me. Don’t ignore the signs.
Written by anonymous for Diaryofanaijagirl