So I had left a toxic relationship abruptly, (you know that sort of relationship where you have been meaning to move from but it’s hard, because love …But you wake up one day and you leave, you cut off communication and instruct your security man never to let him set foot into the compound, yes, that sort). I left abruptly, there were no recent fights or issues but It had been there and one day, I felt I had indulged him enough. He kept coming to my house to beg, he was sleeping in his car outside my house. I wouldn’t see him and I was beginning to almost let my guard down, so I packed a few things and moved to my friend’s house, I spent three months and I changed my number. You would probably be wondering what he did to warrant this treatment, No, he didn’t cheat on me, he verbally and physically abused me.
After a year, I got into another relationship. This new guy was almost perfect, I loved him, I loved him so much, and it was easy to love him because of the toxic relationship I was coming from. I was devoted to making our relationship work. He loved me right back (I felt it).
Four months into our relationship, we had an argument over the phone and the next morning, I woke up to a break up message, I called and begged and we resolved the issue and we moved on. A month later, we had another issue and he broke up with me again.
I begged again, truth is , I loved him so much, as at then he was the best relationship I ever had, he was the only man who had consistently treated me like a Queen in all the time I have ever dated, so forgive me for latching on to it and not wanting to let go. All I wanted to do was fix it. I wasn’t perfect, he wasn’t either but he seemed to magnify my flaws and made me take all the blame, and for some weird reason, I took it hence the constant pleading.
Truth is, all the constant breakup over very trivial things made me begin to lose some faith in our relationship. In the 6th month of my relationship with him, my Toxic ex showed up again. This time through my best friend, apparently he had been battling cancer for a year. Learning of this information about someone I once loved and would have still been with if the dynamics of our relationship was different, threw me off balance but I regained my stance and warned my best friend about not wanting to discuss my ex again.
There was no stopping my ex, he appealed to me emotionally, he claimed he had a 60-40 chance of survival, if he had to die, he didn’t want to do that without seeing me, he wanted to see me, he needed to apologise. He wanted to talk, and he wanted closure. According to him, I had left like the wind and he had felt very bad. He was in the US and I was Nigeria. I told him was in a relationship and I couldn’t see him, I told him I had forgiven him and bore no grudges. He persisted, he started sending me pictures of him in chemo sessions, his sister also reached out and truth is with all the persistence, my heart was breaking and my resolve was getting weak. Things were same way with my current boyfriend, we had our fights and the constant breakups and I was beginning to get tired of the whole thing and getting more overwhelmed with emotions towards my ex.
He wasn’t going to be able to travel to Nigeria and I wasn’t willing to travel to the US to see him. So he mentioned he had an appointment with a doctor in Dubai and we agreed to meet in Dubai.
Here is the stupid part, I began to plan the trip with him, and He got my tickets and made my reservations. On days I didn’t think I was able to go ahead with the plans, my best friend was there to encourage me (Due to the constant breakups with my current bf which she was always privy to, she already had a bias towards him).
In summary, I made the trip to Dubai and yes I lied to my current bf about the trip, I lied. I soaked myself into a web of lies that it was hard not to go on the trip especially when I developed cold feet. I saw my ex, he was sick, he looked very sick, we reminisced on our relationship and he cried in my arms asking me to forgive him for all the time he ill-treated me. It was a sad moment for us, I loved him but in that instant it dawned on me all the risk I had taken to be here, to be with him. We made our peace with each other, he wanted to know about my current boyfriend and why I wouldn’t leave him to be with, I had responded “He makes me happy, he brings me peace”. Please note, WE DID NOT HAVE SEX. We were in separate hotels, we always met up in restaurants.
I had travelled back to Nigeria and continued with my relationship with my then current bf and the determination to make our relationship better intensified, maybe it was the guilt of what I did. Sometimes I would look at my boyfriend and wonder what I was thinking leaving the country to see an ex, I felt so terrible, I prayed and asked God for forgiveness and I even toyed with the idea of confessing to my BF but I wasn’t about to fix what wasn’t broken.
Fast forward to a month later, my ex found out about the trip, lol. All he did was manipulate my mind and I blatantly confessed. He was broken, he was angry, he was furious. He got an uber ride and told me to go home after I had cried and begged profusely. He claimed he needed to think. When he was sure I had gotten home safely, he told me that this one was on me and he had to call of the relationship, he went on to tell me how he felt betrayed, then he blocked me on whatever platform I could reach him on.
I was heartbroken, ashamed and disgusted at myself.
I confessed to my sister and a friend what I had done, despite their initial disappointment and shock at what I did, the next day, they joined mouth to beg. I was broken, I couldn’t forgive myself. I sent emails, I sent messages, some he would respond, some he wouldn’t but the most consistent thing in his silence and response was the coldness.
I had never exactly seen this part of him, it was horrifying , I almost couldn’t exist, I was so broken, I even reached out to his parish priest who tried to intercede on my behalf , he still wouldn’t budge. I reached out to his cousin in the UK, I went to his house and noticed he had given his security man the instruction not to let me in (De ja vuuuuu, I know, lol).
Somehow I persisted , he let me into his house, I begged , I begged, I wept, he even consoled me, we even shared a kiss at some point but then he held me in his arms , looked me in the eyes and told me he couldn’t forgive me, he loved me but he felt betrayed and could never trust me again.
I had left his house, gone home and I cried soooo much, I took consolation in the fact that maybe time would heal us both and maybe he would soften his resolve.
Its 4 months since we broke up and I tried calling him sometime before now and his response was as cold as the night when he found out. Am I over him? Not entirely. I told myself that getting over him was the punishment for my sins and I would get there one step one step.
I can’t over emphasise how much remorse I felt or how much of it I showed him. I kept asking myself if I would forgive him if the tables were turned and the answer is yes, I would.
During the earliest stages of this brouhaha, I felt entitled to his forgiveness, I mean he loved me, so why wouldn’t he forgive me but truth is I realised I had hurt him and he had the right to deal how he wanted and as far as he was concerned, my ex probably slept with me and in his defence, it was just I and my ex and except him, no one could collaborate my story. It crossed my mind to reach out to my ex to collaborate my story but truth is, I felt that was too much so I picked up my cross and I carried it calmly .
I cheated on my ex and he couldn’t forgive me.
It also crossed my mind that he didn’t love me hence his readiness to throw it all away seeing he always did that but I wasn’t going to dwell on that, I focused on the fact that I had to take responsibility for my actions.
Like another writer said, forgiveness is the absence of ego or pride because pride blocks our vision. It’s so refreshing reading some stories and knowing that there are men and women out there who can actually forgive.
At least I have learnt not to ever cheat again, in whatever form or manner.
Written by Jennifer for Diaryofanaijagirl.ng