I’m burdened by an issue of forgiveness.
This topic has raised a lot of questions in my head yet I am left perplexed and confused. I have been in a fix for almost 2 years and I am here questioning myself on which decision is the best to make. 2 years ago, a relationship of almost 8 months crumbled before my eyes due to carelessness. I cheated on my boyfriend which led to our break up. It was not intentional or planned but it happened because someone else played the role of a bf when mine didn’t. My bf and I never stayed in the same town but that year I had a training which brought me to his town for almost 5 months. In that time, I can count how many times I saw my bf. I practically begged him to see me and make time for me.
Things like that just made me keep drawing away from him. Communication wasn’t the problem because I always told him about it but he wasn’t just ready to let someone into his space because he was used to being alone. When the cheating happened, I lied to him because I knew I wronged him. He wasn’t the best of bf when it came to doing the relationship thingy but he was a good person. When he knew the relationship was falling apart, he kept reaching out to me but somehow I wasn’t in the space to go down that lackadaisical attitude towards the relationship.
He broke up because he was hurt and somehow suspected that someone else was giving me attention and trust me I never saw it coming. I was broken and hurt because I know he is a good person but was not perfect being in a relationship. I cried and begged for another opportunity but he didn’t bulge. I went back to my town and resumed work and I still kept pleading to be taken back. He asked if I had cheated and I lied because I felt it would only make things worse. I travelled twice to see him just to show my remorsefullness but nothing changed. I spoke to someone about it and he told me to tell him honestly about everything. I told him about everything and he refused to talk to me for days.
A friend of mine had to beg him on my behalf before he decided to hear me out. He eventually forgave me and he said that he tried getting back with me but his head wasn’t ready for it so he put it on a hold. He told me to move on but I can’t seem to do that. I’ve been struggling since. We talk almost regularly if not for the fact that he is really busy this period. He still respects me and treats me right and even planned to come see me in my town but he doesn’t want to get into a relationship. Not to exaggerate but I’m a really good and nice person. I’m decent and all of that.
The event that happened taught me a lot and I really matured. I’ve been asking myself if really he has forgiven me. To me, he doesn’t want to let go but then he doesn’t want me to stay. I love him very much. It’s been almost 2 years since we broke up but I love him. You could even pass us for dating but we are not. Recently he’s been really occupied with his business because he wants to resign from his job so we haven’t really been close of late. So what now do I do? I’ve been so sad and depressed and the other guys I meet either want to sleep with me and I end up putting some other guys on a pedestal. I’m confused though.
My question is why doesn’t he want to take me back. He keeps saying that people break up and get back together but I dunno what’s happening. He’s so matured and sincere but not very open.
Written by anonymous for Diaryofanaijagirl.ng