My Sister Wants Me To Care For Her Kids And Not Work

19 August 15, 2018 By Dang

 

Last year, after leaving the university, I came to stay with my elder sister because she was heavily pregnant and was almost due to give birth. I decided to stay with her because she had no one staying with her except her husband and she also had a little baby. Since I had not gotten a job or been mobilised for service, I opted to help her out.

But now, I think it was a bad decision because for every day that passes, I greatly regret my decision.

Please don’t get me wrong. Here is the thing. She has given birth, yes, and since middle of last year till now, I have been staying with them. She works, and the husband is into business. Since she resumed work last October, I have been the one taking care of the kids, and practically doing all chores which really  isn’t a problem for me.

I mean it’s not bad helping a sister out but my problem is that I have pleaded with her to get a nanny as I need to go out and get a job or find something to do for myself. Presently, I can’t boast of a thousand naira to my name. I’m not making any money moves and anytime I raise the issue, she gets angry and asks me I need a job for. Mind you, I am in my late twenties.

I feel used and useless sometimes. My daily routine is from bed to kitchen, kitchen to laundry, laundry to anything that looks like attending to the kids, eat, sleep and then back to the kitchen for dinner till the day ends. And the routine continues till the next day. Thankfully, the first baby is on holidays so at least I get to rest from waking up few minutes to 5 am.

And this has been how it has been for me since last year till now. Has it been terrible for me.. Yes it has. Do I feel frustrated and sometimes weak and worn out.. Yes I do and it’s becoming too unbearable for me. Crying sometimes is my best consolation. I go out only when I want to go to market or when they are going out. And any day I say I am not going out with them, she gets angry asking me:  “how will I take care of the kids if you ain’t going”..

Since I came here, there is no house chores that I don’t do. The only one I told her I won’t do is dressing her husband’s room and washing the toilet.

Two days ago I couldn’t hold it again. She told me to pack few things for the kids, that her husband was going to drop us off at his sister’s place.  I turned to go pack their bags and she said,” pack yours too because you will be going with them.”

I told her I am not going. If you want your kids to spend some days at your sister in-laws place, that’s fine but telling me that I will go with them is something I won’t do. If it’s a visit which we would return that same day, that’s OK but spending days at your sister in-laws place with your kids is what I won’t do.

She got angry again and she said so many things that I don’t even want to start saying here. But they were heart drenching. I only told her to please get a nanny and that I can only endure to stay with she and her family from now till December.

I don’t have friends, not a man, not a woman. My stay here in Lagos is that of a boring and lonely life. Since last week till now, she is still fuming and is not responding to my greetings.I know there is no job waiting for me out there but on the other hand I won’t stay at home and wait for an opportunity to come and visit me. I have tried to explain this but the conversation is what she does not want to hear.

I don’t know, maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am being too mean. Maybe I am wicked, inconsiderate, and unappreciative like she claims. I want someone to tell me I am not making any mistakes by asking for a time for myself.  Is there a way, a different way for me to go through this? I really need someone to talk to because what I have in mind is to pack my bag and leave. But God knows, my only reason of not wanting to leave, right now, is the kids.

What can i do?

Written by Jennifer for Diaryofanaijagirl.ng

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19 comments on “My Sister Wants Me To Care For Her Kids And Not Work

  1. Anonymous

    Dear Poster,
    Run, your sister is very selfish. She will “advice” you later when she doesn’t need you anymore and time has passed.




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  2. Bellé

    Ah! Your sister is unappreciative, inconsiderate and wicked. You’re in your late twenties, jobless, no bf, no friends and she’s not even bothered. Keep playing her maid and you’ll hit menopause in her house and she’ll still not be grateful. Pack your bags and leave immediately. Go and face your life, do something for you, the clock is ticking. Take charge.




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  3. Làny

    Hey Jennifer,
    I hope you’ll be reading the comments on your post. First I’d like to say that I greatly empathize with you and your story. Reading this touched me at a very soft spot because I’ve seen/experienced(not personally) a very similar situation. I’ll quickly tell the story.
    There are 2 relatives who live with us, one has lived with us since before I was born(for over 20 years) and the other for about 15 years. Your story is a combination of both their experiences.
    The first,let’s call her Miss Ruth is in her mid thirties and doesn’t have a job/ source of income.
    The second is in her late twenties,same story. Only difference is she’s not done with uni yet. Their lives are a mirror image of what you’ve just described. Wake up at 6(when school is in session), into the kitchen,take care of an aunty’s children(whom she has made a terrible habit of dropping off at our place nearly everyday),tend to my grandma,into the kitchen again and before you know it,it’s nightfall.
    They’re both bitter and unhappy with their lives. This is what I’ve told them and now telling you:
    If you wait for the day to come when people whom you practically slave for would voluntarily release you from their service,it’ll NEVER come.
    You’re not being selfish for wanting to carry on with your life/ get a life for yourself.
    You need to leave because it’ll genuinely not get any easier and living with such resentment hardly ends well for the both parties involved.
    Some practical steps you can take are:
    1) Talk to someone who your sister listens to(your parents,their pastor,whomever)
    2)Have a rough plan of your next step, that is where you’ll go from their house.
    3) When the time span you’ve given them elapses, pack your bags and leave!
    What to expect:
    Serious and continuous backlash from your sister. There’ll be unending talks about how ungrateful,disrespectful and inconsiderate you are. But pay them no attention and carry on with your life.
    Sorry for the extra long post, just felt your story too deeply.
    Sending you e-hugs and wishing you strength to do what you truly desire.
    You’ve got this!???




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  4. Anonymous

    your sister is wicked and selfish. she doesn’t wish you well. all she is concerned about is herself and her kids, trust me she doesn’t have you in her agenda. Telling you to pack your bags and go with the kids to her in laws place is what you tell a maid not a sister. Even a maid is paid either in cash or in form of education/ handwork, so what is she even talking about. Abeg don’t wait till December, give her a one month’s notice and carry your bags. You have your life to live, you ain’t getting younger.




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  5. Anonymous

    You are not wrong!please stand your ground and look out for yourself. But she is your sister so if you have anyone to talk to her ( who will take your side oo), then you can get them to talk to her to beg her for you.

    Make no mistake, I think she is in the wrong, but she is family and you may need her tomorrow so if you can smoothen some ruffled feathers then that’s a good idea. But please look out for yourself.




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  6. Olufemi

    Your sister is a selfish, conceited and horrible human being. She and her husband are the most selfish and ridiculously wicked people ever. This has to be the worst type of treatment ever. They only care about themselves and have no interest in your future well being. If you know what’s good for you, break this cycle of use and abuse now! I am so angry I don’t even know where to start. Eyan buruku ni won!




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  7. Kell

    You really have to leave that place, even if you don’t want to leave you need to stop that routine and get a life. Your sister is being very selfish and inconsiderate. Your purpose in life has turn to taking care of her kids, what about you, why will she be asking a grown woman what she needs money for, common! She’s using you real badddd. You aren’t being mean , you are not being inconsiderate too. I felt real bad for you after reading this. She has turned you to her nanny, yours is worse atleast Nannies get paid. You are slowly Falling into depression. Save Yourself!!!!




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  8. Anonymous

    Girl, you need to leave. She has taken you for granted. She’ll be upset once you leave but when you get on your feet, start working and even get into serious relationship, she’ll forget it all. Familiarity breeds contempt. Please leave and LIVE!




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  9. Anonymous

    You are not wrong!!!! Please speak up for yourself and do not relent on your decision. However she is your sister, so try to get family members ( who will agree with you ooo) involved to beg/talk to her for peace sake, not because you are wrong, but because she is family . But please no matter how it eventually turns out, stand your ground.




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  10. Anu

    Dear Poster,
    I am sorry to say this but the actual truth based on your story is that you have become an informal maid to your sister at no extra cost. You are not mean and if you say you have done this for a year then you have definitely been a nice and loving sister and she has had enough time to arrange for proper childcare. She might argue that she is giving you accommodation and food but as your sister, this should not even be based on conditions and if that were the argument then you have definitely over-earned your keep with all the work you do for them. I currently have my younger brother with me as he has just finished his program at university and my worry is that he should spend his time wisely to find a job and start his career and life as an adult. Hence, I try to avoid using him for chores even though it can be easier and tempting. However, I actually don’t find any justification in your sister’s expectations of you because you do have your life to live. It sounds like she might be your only source of accommodation in Lagos and if so then you might just need to continue to stand your ground until she realises that her strategy won’t work. If not, then leave for your home, you can always apply for jobs from home via the internet. However, if you have an alternative place to stay in Lagos, I will suggest you go there even if for a little while so you can plan your next step and also give her time to get used to reality and plan her next steps too because if you continue this way resentment will breed and you will further be delayed from the life you should be living. It is a sensitive issue because I suspect you do not want to alienate your sister, however you should also remember that you have worked so hard to get this far in life and you deserve to have the opportunity to make use of those skills you have garnered and reap the rewards of using those skills so you are allowed to be a little selfish (although I am actually not sure selfish is the right word to describe my meaning).




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  11. Anonymous

    Jennifer take heart. Your sister’s reaction is to make you feel guilty because she needs you more than you need her. You make her life easier. Please move on. Things might get harder before they get better but go live and see what’s out there. Make sure you go




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  12. Shalom

    Jennifer, you cannot put your life on hold for anyone not even your own kids except that in itself is your life’s purpose.
    Please work on your CV (you can go to a business centre when someone is home with the kids), carry out job searches on your phone, send mails, read a lot on the kind of positions you would like to take up, once a job comes tell your sis ahead, attend the interview (if you can request for a preferred time when the children won’t be home, do so). When your employment letter comes, forward the mail to her, then start.
    You could try to wake earlier to get them ready for school so you can assist without getting late to work.
    If this won’t work, you may need to find a friend’s place or just go back to a state you’re more familiar with.




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  13. Anonymous

    Please leave. Your sister is very mean and selfish. They are HER children and not yours so you need to put yourself and your life first. Don’t Feel bad for wanting to sort yourself out, there’s nothing wrong with that. Those children will be perfectly fine without you.




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  14. Anonymous

    If there’s no opportunity to attend job interviews whilst there because you are always busy babysitting then you need to leave,nothing will change.Nothing will change because apart from another family member like you, no one can quite care for the children like you do! It is not a job for you the care comes from a place of love. Your sister wants the best for her children and as selfish as it is you are the best. I went through exactly this and no intervention made a difference,she even offered to pay at a point but I knew it would never be equal to what I would earn joining the workforce and there would be no opportunities to socialise tied to the house as I was ,so I left for a while got a job and came back and helped when my job and social life permitted. You need to leave.




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  15. Sandra

    This was entirely me only that it was my sisters husband. I’ve never seen someone with so much sense of entitlement. I mean how do you expect someone to put their life on hold for you? I no longer had friends or even a personal life of mine. I could no longer honour my friends invitations be it wedding or child dedication because of the fight he’ll put up. The last straw that broke the camel’s back was when he hit me…. I left and never returned . You only need to woman up.people will use you until you’re useless.




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  16. Anonymous

    Reading this makes me sad.. I think you should stand your grounds and leave regardless of how bad leaving might look… don’t worry I’m due time.. your life will improve




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  17. Anonymous

    My dear, your sister had turned you to a maid, leave if you have to… don’t listen to her. I was staying with my aunt, immediately after secondary school, I was 17 at the time, she would get angry over discussions of me getting into school, it took the intervention of my mum to practically drag me out to get me into a pre degree course, when I got admission she was furious, I went any ways, during my undergraduate days, she wouldn’t help out with money, so I made up my mind to find a part time job, I got one and I started working she was furious, after graduating , I was posted to Kebbi, decided not to go and wait for another batch, so I spent close to one year staying at her shop, until I was called up. After Nysc she expected me to resume at her shop, I refused, got a job for myself and currently working. The thing is if i didn’t ignore her anger and fuming I wouldn’t even be a graduate. Do you. She has got her life started. It’s time to get yours started sis. Don’t put your life in a pause, to make someone else happy.




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  18. Anonymous

    I totally understand how you feel. I and my sister had to do this for our elder sister for a while. But mine was before getting admission and during strikes. But my sister and brother in law were really appreciative and helpful when they could be. I think it’s more of a grandmother who is retired that can do what you are doing and be okay with it.
    Have a sit down with her and try to make her realize she is just being selfish. And bring your parents into the conversation. Ask them point blank if they brought you into the world and educated you just to be her maid and Nanny. It’s time to get aggressive.
    She already owes you a lot for all you have done. So if you get a job and move on with life and she’s bot happy with you then I guess she’s just an evil person you should stay away from.

    Till today my sister’s kids love having all of us around and we still help each other anyway we can while still trying to grow individually.

    She needs to get a main while you get a job. Period. The cost of maids is over 150k per annum and that’s even the ones that are little uneducated kids oh. That she won’t be able to trust her kids with. But she wants you to live for her without developing yourself.

    That’s unacceptable if this story is true.




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  19. Anonymous

    Hello Jennifer, please as previously advised talk to someone if any your sister listens to and pour out your heart. You are NOT your sisters maid. Do not let her use emotional blackmail to get ypu to stay. You need to live YOUR life. I’m sorry to say but your sister is selfish. Leave her house…if your parents are alive inform them of the situation and stand your ground. DO NOT put your life on hold for anyone. PRAY for WISDOM and please respond and do not react….bottom line you are an adult in your late twenties. Its not fair.




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