In my other life, I used to just go on dates with whomever, even if in my mind I knew this person didn’t cut it for me. But I still had to go on those dates, you get? Because…desperation. Here’s a short list of first date disasters I’ve experienced.
Disaster No. 1: KPATCHA!
This was a date set up by a popular magazine with a then-popular celebrity. My friend saw that the magazine was setting women up with single celebrities so she sent my picture over and one of them picked me. We went on a date, I got to the restaurant and he gestured for me to sit down. He didn’t bother standing.
Long story short, my focus was on my food when I heard “kpatcha kpatcha kpatcha”
Ehn? That can’t be! I looked up, uncle was eating with his mouth open and the sound came directly from his throat. Then when he spoke, he spoke amidst the “kpatcha kpatcha”. Here’s how the conversation went: “So (kpatcha) how are you now? (kptacha kptacha Kpatcha). I hope you’re (Kpatcha kpatcha) enjoying the food (Kpatcha Kpatcha kpatcha kpatcha kpatcha)
The last Kpatcha took longer than normal because he was waiting for me to answer while he chewed on loudly, still with his mouth open. Let me tell you what made me resign: a grain of rice flew from his mouth to my face during the process of talking and Kpatchaing. The date ended early, I gave no feedback to the magazine, I cussed my friend out!
Disaster No. 2- THE EX FACTOR
I was having trouble with my ex and when he said he needed space, I automatically assumed that meant we had broken up. So, just to forget about him, I went out to brunch with someone else who I met at the gym a day before. When we got to the restaurant, I kept looking at my phone because I had seen my ex online on WhatsApp and was hoping he would buzz me. My date asked me, “do you want to put your phone away so we can talk?” I felt embarrassed so I put my phone away but did not put it on silent mode. My phone rang, it was my ex and it was a facetime call. I picked it up, completely ignoring my date then asked him to excuse me as I stepped into the bathroom to take the call. It was still the same, ex was checking up on me but he still needed space. When I got back to my table, my date had left. He wrote on the bill, “Good luck with everything.”
I felt terrible, about life.
Disaster No. 3- ALOHA!
I met the Hawaiian Pilot on a trip to NYC from Hawaii. He was piloting the plane and when he took a break, we got talking by the bar. Mr. Pilot asked me out on a date and I was quite excited. During our date, I wasn’t too hungry so I had a glass of Vodka and Tonic with Caesar Salad. He had pasta, red wine, water and soufflé. Unfortunately, pilot expected me to follow him back to his hotel for a nightcap. When I declined, he said, “okay we split the bill then”. WAWU! Issokay. He then dropped money for half of the bill.
Eskis sir, please stopeet.
I picked up the bill, brought out my pen, traced out my own meal and beverage to be sure I got it perfectly right, called the waiter and told him what the deal was. Mr Pilot looked on as I gently placed my money on the table and walked out…Like a boss!
Disaster No. 4- WHATITDO
I met him at work in 2008. I was at the front desk and he came to the company for business. He asked me out on a date that night. So, we went on the date. When we were seated, he asked me in an American accent, “so whatido?”. I was like ‘Ah, this one too is good. He’s fine plus American accent. So sexy’. So I told him what-it-did. He then proceeded to nod his head many times and accompanied it with “Riiight. Riiiight.” Then smiled at me and went back to eating. Okay, what next? I wondered. Should I say whatitdo too or…. “So how about you? Had a good day?” I caught myself asking. He smiled again, “Yup. Fantastic”.
That’s it, that was all the answer I got.
For one hour, he asked me “whatitdo” like 10 times and he meant it every time. We had nothing to say to each other and he looked perfectly comfortable with that. When I got home, he called me and said: “Hey whatitdo!? I had so much fun mehn, let’s do this again”
Uncle, I moved on in life since ‘Whatitdo!?’ Number 5!