Depression is akin to being in a sunken place; you are fighting it and drowning at the same time and one day you just stop fighting and stay in the sunken place ……where worthlessness , shame and everything dark dwells and the only thing that makes sense is how you feel … the deep hole of sadness , the intent fixation on negativity where you don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel; that light is disguised and everything is like an upside world.
Nothing makes sense except how you feel – you don’t want to get up and dreaming is solace to the never ending nightmares your mind has created.
Depression is real …. be kind to others , show love, understand that everyone’s reality is different and once in a while, check up on your friends!!!
I went through a lot last year , my business wasn’t just working despite all I had put in money , time , everything I had….I had stayed home several years to look after my kids and in between, did my masters in psychology ( clinical psychology ), worked part time in Luth ( wasn’t paid for 2years+) and on the advice of my husband started a business as working without pay was not sustainable.
I started a business and was so full of enthusiasm and optimism… I put so much pressure on myself for me to succeed I felt I had to prove myself to everyone . I was my biggest critic. I also sadly didn’t manage some situations well also during the course of the business. Had fallout with some friends and was just managing the business which was on the brink of extinction … fighting tooth and nail for it to survive but to no avail.
Because of all this I felt like I had failed. I was trapped in and felt like I was in a prison and i even couldn’t tell anyone what I was going through, I couldn’t stand the judgement, even my husband who had supported me I kept in the dark and I kept drowning and felt so worthless. I tried everything for it to work … It seemed I was fighting a lost cause and the only solution was to stop and redirect myself, take some time out. I went through a lot of grief , anger , regret to how my life turned out ..
The business. I was running and consoling myself that I could have it all and seeing as it wasn’t working sent me to the “sunken place” .
My husband was supportive and helped me a great deal … along with the depression developed a classic migraine..
Luckily I had a good support system , family and friends.. even spoke to some people I wasn’t that close to who were quite older than i was and I found out people have gone through what I had and it wasn’t the end of the world and you live to fight another day.
One of my friends stood out as she shamed me and was judging me but I didn’t die, I took her headlong and told her since I have known her, she had done over 10 businesses so what gave her the right to judge me ? All my fears that people will laugh at me disappeared..
I changed my thinking and decided to focus on what was important .. God / my family / looking at what went wrong why the business wasn’t working and what next? I forgot to add I have always been termed the happiest girl nothing ever got me down..
My motto was always “ woo I cannot always kill myself jare “ I never let anything make me sad … momentarily of course I am human but I bounce back fast.. I didn’t know when the shame crept in and robbed me of my happiness.
Anyway this write up is just so people understand how depression is real and it can happen to anyone and no, you can’t pray it away…
A good support system / talking to a professional and changing your thinking which is akin to psychotherapy works!
Written by anonymous for DiaryofaNaijagirl.com