How much can I fight for someone else’s child?

5 July 17, 2018 By Dang



I just had my first baby a few months ago and naturally the subject of getting a help came up. I was at first opposed to the idea but my mum eventually convinced me to take in a distant relative of hers from the village.

I complained that I wasn’t ready to be saddled with the responsibility of raising someone else’s child, being a new parent myself but she managed to convince me to give it a try.

I already have someone that comes in to clean and another who does laundry. I work from home so I figured I could somehow manage. It just all seemed like an extra expense.

So a young, gangly 15 year old arrived and at first I was like ‘Nah mehn’ but she’s somehow wormed herself into my heart. She’s very bright, willing to learn and most of all, my baby loves her. She had gone to school up to JSS3 when her parents couldn’t afford to train her anymore but decided her younger brother being the 1st son would benefit more from an education and kept that one in school instead. So she’d been home selling for her mum.

My husband and I decided we’ll enroll her in school here this september. Even sent her mum money to go collect her results from her old school to send to us.

She’s been with us for 3 months and we’ve been sending her ‘salary’ to her mum;who I learnt had been on the run from police since she took a loan from a micro finance bank and was unable to repay. She’s since paid off the loan. Her mum had spoken to me that she has given me her daughter o.

I overheard a conversation she had with the girl over the phone, telling her to be a good girl so she can even school up to university level with us. That there’s nothing back in the village for her so she should make the best of this opportunity.

So now you have the background. For about 2 weeks now, there’s been drama from the village over her matter. Apparently, the parents have been fighting because the father says her mum is emasculating him. Saying things like if not for her sending the daughter over here and we sending her money, they would not be seeing food to eat.In summary, that the man is unable to cater for their family. So the man has now vexed that since this is bringing insult, the girl should come back home.

Last night, he called asking that I should send her back. I tried to reason with him but he wasn’t having it (i think the fact that he’s barely literate and me being unable to communicate in my native language might have played a role). My husband has already said she should come and be going.

Her mum called later begging that she wants her daughter to have a future that I should please keep her. The girl here has been crying all night. Woke up this morning to see her face all puffy. She doesn’t want to go back.

I’m just here confused. Honestly, this girl would do really well in school. I give her books to read and make her write summaries for me. Even though her grammar and spelling need work, her intelligence is still evident. I even make her watch that Mindset Learn channel on Dstv and she seems to be learning from it. I just know she’ll go far in life if given a chance.I also know for a fact that when I send her back, it’s all over.

Her father’s brother even called that he has a farm somewhere and when she comes, he’ll take her there to be with him(whatever that means). I don’t have strength for wahala but my conscience would judge me if I don’t at least fight for her. My husband on the other hand doesn’t have patience for drama and is already done with the matter.

So my question is; how much can I involve myself? Is fighting for her worth ‘village trouble’? Or should I just leave her to her fate in the hands of the people that gave birth to her? I can’t keep her here against her father’s wishes.

I’ve pleaded with the man to not let pride get in the way of his daughter’s future but he no gree. Her mother got pregnant with her when she was 14, she’s scared a similar situation might befall her daughter if she stays in that village. I really don’t know what to do. HELP!!

For those that would wonder why I have a 15 year old help…. that’s not the situation. She doesn’t cook for me, doesn’t wash my clothes. Doesn’t bathe or feed my baby. Has never even as much as changed his diaper.I’m too OCD to let her.

All she does is wash his tiny clothes, play with him when I’m working, go on small errands for me and wash dishes. I was already in university far away from home at her age, so…..

Ps; I love you DANG!!!

PPs; I would like to be kept anonymous


5 comments on “How much can I fight for someone else’s child?

  1. Pingback: Single Lady Moving Out Of Parent's House | DANG Reader's Mail

  2. Bee

    Had a similar case 8years ago when I had my ist. I wanted to fight for her but hubby was fed up with the gist from her hometown. I let her go and wonder what she would have been now. Probably married off to some local farmer and miserable somewhere. I feel bad each time I remember that incident and just wished I did more.


  3. Anu

    It won’t be easy but I think the right thing to do for the girl is to let her stay and enroll as planned. The underlying mission here is to help this girl by giving her the opportunity her Father nor Mother are unable to provide. Hence, her voice is the most important. I will suggest that you sit her down and ask her what ‘she’ wants and lay out all the options without holding back the challenges that each option presents. I know your Husband probably wants to avoid unnecessary trouble, which is fair and understandable, it however sounds like deep in your heart you already know the value of fighting for this girl. In truth, by law I am sure she is supposed to be in compulsory education until the age of 16 (even if it is not always enforced), so you could use this angle to express your intention to the father. If he is still adamant, then I will suggest that you ignore him. However, you also have to sit and think for yourself if you are ready to start and finish this journey I.e. are you ready to be responsible for her up until university or alternative further education? I ask that you also think this through because it would be cruel to the girl if you go into this halfheartedly and stop halfway. Nonetheless, I commend you for seeing her potential and wanting to help her build it. So, in conclusion, I would say that if you are willing to go all the way, then ignore every other person’s view but the girl’s own. That is how you fight for someone, by standing up against blockers like her Dad & his village people. The worst that might happen is that he makes hollow noises which as an educated person you can ignore. Good luck and please keep us updated.


  4. Anonymous

    I think you should explore the option sending the father the girl’s ‘salary’ instead of the mother since it seems the mother’s new source of income (being the girl’s salary) is the source of problem in their home. With this I feel the father will most likely agree that the girl should remain with you since her now have direct control over the money that comes in.


  5. Anonymous

    I think you should explore the option of sending the girl’s father her salary instead of the mother. That would soothe his pride (which is the apparent strength problem here) and put him in control of this extra source of income coming into his family. I’m sure would this he won’t mind his daughter remaining with you forever!



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