Monthly Archives: July 2018

Rendering Help

How Often Do You Render Help?

I remember that day just like yesterday when i strolled along Agbowo road with Moyinoluwa. You see there was this 10 day programme going in my church then and i had vowed to attend all the services. Moyinoluwa and i decided that since we did not have money for fare, we should leave home early in order to get to church before the service started. So on that cool Tuesday evening, we strolled happily to church without a care in the world.

“Sisters! Sisters! Can i talk to you guys for a minute please?” I looked towards the direction where the voice had come from and saw that my friend had done the same. We were curious, so we waited for the young man walking to our direction to get to us. “Good evening” He greeted and we responded likewise wondering what the young man had for us.

“Please help me! I came with my friends from Abeokuta but somehow, they have left me behind and i am stranded here in Ibadan. I’ve tried to use the ATM but i did not know that i had sat on my wallet and the card is broken.” He concluded.

I just kept staring at the young man. I think he realized he was getting no sympathy from me so he turned to my friend, telling her what had happened to him in fuller details. I did not want to listen. In fact, my mind had wandered.

Okay, first of all, this guy was cute! I mean cute.. He was also well dressed and put together, i mean the colour of his shirt, tie and suit went well together. He looked quite dapper. To top that, he spoke perfect english. Haba! i thought to myself “with all his fineness, this brother still wants to scam me?”

My friend explained to him that we also had no money, that we were in fact trekking to church because we were too rich to take the bus. After several appeals, the guy left. Let me not go into details of how we analysed his story, i mean every line of it trying to find out if there was any atom of truth in it.

That was years ago!

Two days ago, i am sitting in the BRT when i overhear a conversation. This guy was telling his female friend he was sitting beside how he had trekked from Alapere to Berger because he had exhausted everything on him. He told his friend that he had approached one or two people on the road to help him with a little money but no one did. What he said that hit me was “It is people that lie to beg for money that spoil it for those of us who are honest and really need the money”

Dating from a Place of Self-Love: How Being Yourself Changes Everything

Asides wondering how he could have trekked that far, i started thinking about what he had said. I have been approached countless times but 8 times out of 10, i always said no because i felt that i was being scammed by professional beggars.

You may not know it but that 100 naira you decide to give might go a long way in saving a life. Why not stop bothering about the truth or falsehood behind the person’s plea. Do yours and know that you rendered help when you could.

Sometimes, it is not money. It is kind word, a hug, a word of consolation, tact, emotional help or material. The question is what do you have to give and how willing are you to give?

Have a lovely day guys.

Written by Ayo Al for

Definition of Success

When Life Changes, Success Puts on Different Clothes

When we were kids, life was so fun and fresh. Maybe it’s because we dived straight into adventure. Because we didn’t think of success or failure in the way we think now.

I’ve always been passionate about creativity. When I was a kid I would draw all over the wardrobe doors, they were pure white just like a blank canvas. Back then we lived in a very small apartment with only one bedroom, and the only wardrobe in our home. Yet my mother didn’t stop me from drawing. She would even encourage me with kind words and compliments, and from time to time she would wash clean the wardrobe doors.

In high school, I developed a passion for the arts. However, I also started to notice that there are things that “I needed to do” in order to succeed in life, and on the other had things I wanted to do. I was studying really hard, and aiming for a very successful career in information science and programming. I even went to national competitions for Math and Physics and had really good results. The problem was, I felt really empty inside. Although everybody was vigorously supporting me to continue on the “path of success”, I felt miserable, and my heart was aching for something more meaningful. I wanted to do art. Deep down I knew, I’m not this person everybody thinks I am. I was thirsty for self-discovery.

We moved to a bigger apartment. I devoted myself to martial arts training. It was really beautiful and refreshing. I felt enthusiastic again. I met new friends, some of them are still some of my best friends. My grades and performance at school slightly lowered, but I was okay. I fell in love with my new passion and became fascinated with this different way of life. After 5 years of training, the passion was still burning and I dreamed of being a professional martial arts teacher. I started putting in even more effort, but instead of more progress, I started to face frustrations. It was a period of emotional turbulence for me. My personal relationships were pushing me to my limits. My pursuits and failures felt painful.

Going to the other extreme, and completely dedicating myself to my passions, wasn’t working as well as I thought it would. There were moments of euphoria, and lot’s of self-discovery that I treasure, but eventually it became too much. I was realizing that just a strong desire will not bring me across the river. I had to do the work. I had to row. I had to go every step of the way. Although I earned my Aikido black belt after 5 years of training, I started to realize that I was very far from being a professional instructor.

I guess especially when we’re young, we are running to meet our goals very quickly, not really having the patience or grit. We get disappointed very easily. We take everything personally and get offended very easily.

My final years at college were a mess. I was late with my exams and didn’t manage to graduate in time with my generation. I was trying to pursue a different career in Animation and Design, which was so different from the programming career that I was always supposed to pursue. I even tried music for a while. I composed and produced 5 original songs, music and lyrics and did a few gigs, but it wasn’t enough. Creative breakthroughs gave me much fulfillment, but I was running out of money. I was stuck in a vacuum between finding a job and finishing my degree but not doing good progress at any of those two.

One day, a former high-school professor met me on the street. He remembered that I was one of the top students in my class during my high school years and was sad to hear I’m not doing so well anymore. He helped me find my first job as a game developer. After starting work, my life started to improve. I got my college degree. I met a girl I’m still happily in love with. I got a small salary raise and started a blog.

If I look back, I can see that my goals and dreams have dramatically changed over the years. I have achieved many things and have many yet to achieve, but that is not the full story. There are so many little moments in between those big goals that are so full of life. This is where most of us miss out. I often remind myself, that although some dreams may die out, you can always have your passion reborn again. Maybe it will be in a completely new form. Maybe it will come to you as something you never did before, but it’s the same underlying quality.

“Success means different things at different times and circumstances. Don’t get attached to ideas.”

When you go from a consumer to a creator, you start to think about things you never thought about before.

To finish off, I would like to share with you some core values that remained with me all the time,
and I believe they add value to a person’s life. Here is a short list:

  • Keep learning
  • Polish your skills or develop new ones
  • Engage with people
  • Find smarter and/or better ways to solve old problems or repetitive chores
  • Don’t run away from difficulties
  • Learn to relax and let go
  • Find people you can be deeply honest with


Dating From A Place Of Self Love

Dating from a Place of Self-Love: How Being Yourself Changes Everything

It’s tough being out there.

I remember myself some years ago embracing the world of online dating. Everyone kept telling me “be yourself” (and I kept telling myself that), but when I was actually on a date, “myself” would fly out the window.

I’d go hard on the impressing, second-guess myself, drink too much, look for every little thing we had in common (even if the person did not feel right), feel devastated if I was rejected, and utterly lose sight of what I was on the date for in the first place. Perhaps I didn’t really know who I was or how to be her in what I saw as a confronting environment.

Dating brings out all our fears and vulnerabilities. You’re basically putting yourself on a platter, asking folks to judge you: “Pick me! Pick me!” like someone on a reality TV competition. You forget that it’s a two-way street. That you are looking for a suitable love (or a lover) to be with you, and that is all.

We get the little brain buzz from being swiped right, from the initial contact message, from a nod of approval when we arrive. All of these microsigns can feel so great that they interrupt our reasonable thinking around who we’re looking for.

Or, at the opposite end of the spectrum, we’re bombarded with messages from people we’re just not into (and straight up jerks), we go on dates that end up in an awful mess, we get rejected or we reject, which crushes someone, and it all feels terrible.

It’s easy to lose heart.

Dating doesn’t have to be like that. There are ways to bring it all back to what you are actually dating for in the first place. I know for myself that love came my way when I dug down a little deeper, stopped adjusting what I wanted from a relationship, gave it some time, had fun, and was really myself—warts, opinions, and all.

Here are five ways to be out there from a place of self-love and have a much better chance of finding the real love you’re looking for.

1. You are dating to find someone for you, not just to impress.
This isn’t a job interview: dating is an opportunity for two people to find out if they like each other enough to keep finding out. No one is in a position of power over the other.

Try not to spend the whole date putting all your energy into impressing the other person. Remember that you are checking them out as much as they are checking you out, and that you are making a decision too.

2. Identify your values and then look for a match based on those instead of just shared interests.

Sure, you want to be able to enjoy spending time with your partner, but contrary to popular opinion, your partner doesn’t need to be your best friend. You don’t need to do every single thing together. It’s far more important that you have similar core values. Interests can change, but values at their very core generally hold.

What traits and ways of behaving are most important to you? What do you believe in? What world issues really pull your heartstrings? What would you fight for? How will you be able to tell if someone shares your values?

Spend some time with yourself to drill down into the deeper stuff and then look for matching connections. Shared values will make for rich conversation and bring you back together when times are tough, not the fact that you both like white water rafting or watching RuPaul’s Drag Race.

3. Stop performing a version of you.

Many of us filter out the stuff we think might be seen as weird or boring or stupid when we’re dating. Or, it becomes normal to present a curated, cooler version of you. Of course you want to put your best foot forward, but sometimes it’s stripped back so much that who you are becomes completely invisible.

Dating is not a numbers game. You don’t need loads of matches to find someone. You need matches with fewer folks who are really going to get you. Who will think you’re cute and funny and smart and interesting (even when you’re driving them mad).

If you love binging Pretty Little Liars and cheap chocolate, painting old furniture, sleeping in until 4pm on Saturday afternoon, devouring true crime podcasts, attending the odd rally, and you wish you were an earth mother but are really more of a city gal who likes to shop, then that’s you.

And my bet is that you are pretty unique and special with all your faults and quirks. We fall in love with real people, not pretend ones. If someone doesn’t love the real you, why are you with them in the first place? Wouldn’t it be far more wonderful to be cherished even when you are not the curated version of yourself?

4. Don’t interpret “fun” as just the other person having fun.

Hands up: Who is fantastic at helping other people relax—so much so that you forget to actually notice if you are having fun too?

We all have roles we tend to play in life, and if yours is along these lines, then I’d encourage you to swallow that role somewhat and see what happens when you don’t leap into “Make them feel good” mode.

Live with an awkward silence. Notice if you’re being asked questions, listened to, or engaged in conversation on a similar level to what you’re putting in. Spout an opinion or two. Not going well? Then it maybe this one isn’t for you. And phew! You found out early on.

FYI: “Fun,” for those who have forgotten (because you’ve been out there way too long) is having a bit of a laugh and feeling relatively at ease.

5. Yep, it should be pretty easy.

Myth-busting time: Relationships don’t need to be hard and shouldn’t need to be “worked on” all the time. Are your friendships like that? My guess is that the good ones are not. Sure, they have ups and downs. There are misunderstandings and times of trouble. But ultimately, you really like each other’s company. You can rely on each other.

The best relationships are fairly easy. They need to be able to stand the test of time. If it’s hard when nothing hard is happening, how is it going to be when something really hard is happening?

When you go from a consumer to a creator, you start to think about things you never thought about before.

Ultimately, dating from a place of self-love is about believing that you are worthy just as you are, and that there is someone out there (maybe several someone’s) who you can and will connect with.

It’s not just about being loved—it’s about you loving someone else. And if you’re coming from a place of self-love, then you will ultimately run the dating gauntlet with kindness, self-respect, and vulnerability without heaping a load of meaning onto rejection. Rejection means this one wasn’t right for you, nothing more, and thank god they did you a favor! Because you are deserving of the real, luscious thing with someone truly amazing.


Becoming a creator

When you go from a consumer to a creator, you start to think about things you never thought about before.

I grew up like every other teenager of the 80’s and 90’s – watching MTV. I was obsessed with Madonna, moshed my teen spirit with Nirvana, then entered the dark side of pop with Nine Inch Nails. I loved all of it; the music, the visuals, the performance. I decided that I too was going to become a rock star and perform on MTV.

So I set off to work to make that dream come true.

Until this artistic awakening, I had taken lessons in piano and dance, but doing my own thing was a completely different ball game. There were no notes to follow, there was no choreography to obey. I needed to decide for myself what the notes and the steps were going to be. This required a whole new way of thinking, seeing and listening.

Consuming is easy. Getting inspired is easy. Following instructions is easy. But when you go from a consumer to a creator, you start to think about things you never thought about before.

It is equally overwhelming and exciting. I wasn’t always sure I was going to be able to do it. Yet, when I shifted from a consumer of music to a creator, my life changed profoundly.

For the first time, I started to listen to things I’d never listened to before, like the drums. Not just the beat that made me dance, but really, the sounds and the sequences.

For the first time I started to really appreciate the power of the bass guitar, and the huge part it played in music. How was it possible that I’d never really heard it before?

I started to pay attention to what all the different instruments were doing and it blew my mind.

Music opened up to me on a whole new level. It was richer and more fascinating, and I started to appreciate it so much more than I had ever before. It became more layered and multi-dimensional.

Becoming a creator and not a consumer turned me from a receiver into a producer. Life didn’t just flow over me, but I became keenly aware of what was happening all around me. Everything became potential material for my creative pursuits.

I became an active gatherer-hunter of ideas. Ideas kept popping in my head all the time, and I had to capture them quickly before they would escape me. I started to carry a notebook with me everywhere.

Everything became interesting. I collected stories, moments, feelings, anecdotes, quotes, and jokes. I started spotting interesting names, logos, and colors everywhere. My notebook became my favorite thing, my treasure trove.

Eventually, I did reach my dream of being on MTV. It didn’t happen by luck or by accident. It happened because of this shift.

Maybe I could have been one of the hopefuls, joining the queues of talent shows, thinking that someone would create me. Most likely I would’ve not done very well because no one can create anyone, we have to create ourselves.

Music was my first muse. It taught me everything about being a creator. It awakened all of my senses and it opened up the world for me. Becoming a creator has changed the way I do everything in life.

The world is so full of stuff that it’s easy to sit back and just consume it. Creating is hard, it quickly makes you aware of your shortcomings and your lack of knowledge.

Yet, moving from a consumer to a creator in every area of life will open your eyes and your senses to so many fascinating things. Everything is a story. Everything can be a seed for an idea.

You will become infinitely curious about life. The world will become richer, and a more interesting place to be. What a beautiful way to move through life, don’t you think?

Accepting People You Dislike as They Are: How It Benefits You and How to Do It

My Challenge to You

Have a think about all the things that you consume and love. Is it books, music, perfumes, fashion? Maybe you love looking at someone who can dance really well. Or you love eating mother’s cooking. Or perhaps you admire someone who knows how to code, or builds shelves or fixes cars, but you’ve never thought you’d be able to do something like that.

Instead of observing and consuming, I challenge you to pick one of these things and try to become the creator yourself. Ask someone person to show you the ropes. Spend a bit of time on YouTube tutorials. Join Skillshare. Start with something small and simple.

Share your experience in the comments! What changed?


Tips To Achieving More

You Can Achieve All What You Dream Of And Even More

Let’s get this straight, I KNOW already that you’re a successful woman!

I’m pretty sure I know how you got there too.

You followed all the rules, you went to school, got a “good” job, you’re climbing the corporate ladder or maybe you decided to start your own business, you signed up for all the “right” courses, you joined all the “right” groups, and you followed all the advice, because that’s just who you are, or at least who you think you’re meant to be.
You’ve succeeded in your relationships too, you’ve got a man that you love, friends that you see, you even like your family.

But… something’s missing.
You’re not making as much money as you thought you would, you’re so busy that you don’t have as much time for your relationships, you’re so busy you don’t have enough time for YOU.

And things have been a bit stale with your man for awhile now, you don’t seem to talk the way you used to, there are more fights than there were before.
As for your friendships, yes you’ve got great friends, you don’t seem to see them as much as you used to though. In fact you seem to communicate via text and Facebook more than you actually connect these days. Same with your family.

In short, you’re not having as much fun as you thought you would.

Still, life is good, your relationships are good, your job/business is good.
It’s all good.

But…and this is just a thought, don’t you want more than good?

Good is… well good is good, but we’re not here for

Anyone can have good.

You want more.
I know you do, because I do too.
In fact I’m pretty sure if most of us were honest with ourselves we would all want more.
We’re not here for “good”.

We’re here for great, we’re here for amazing, we’re here for breath-taking lives.

But for some reason we’ve talked ourselves into settling.

Settling for good.
Settling for what looks like success to the outside world.
Settling for what we have.

We’ve convinced ourselves that because we have so much more than so many others that we should be happy.
We’ve been convinced that to want more is greedy.
We’ve been told to be grateful for what we have, to not ask for more.
We’ve been brainwashed into believing that there is a finite amount of love, of wealth and abundance, of happiness and so if we take more, want more than by definition that means someone else has to have less.

And I want to tell you right now that all of that is a GREAT BIG FAT LIE!!!

YOU being happy does not take away from my happiness, in fact being around you when you’ve vibrating at that level will more than likely make me happier.

YOU getting what you want in your relationship with your man does not take away from me getting what I want from mine, in fact if you and your man are rocking it in the bedroom it will probably entice me to spice things up in my own bedroom – not in a competitive way, simply in a “I’ll have what she’s having way, thank you.”

Accepting People You Dislike as They Are: How It Benefits You and How to Do It

YOU making lots of money in your business or at work doesn’t mean there’s any less money for me. Even if we’re in the same line of work! I KNOW the people who need to hear our message need both of us, I KNOW our message is so much more important than us individually, just as I know there are certain people who will resonate with me, and those who don’t NEED to hear the message through you.

YOU getting everything you want doesn’t mean that I can no longer get what I want, in fact maybe seeing you have it all is exactly the inspiration I need to know that it’s possible.

So, if you want more then go get more.

If you’re ready to have it all, and have it all be easy then decide it, declare it and demand it of yourself.
It’s up to YOU to get everything you want!

Until then I want to ask you a question,

If I was to wave my magic wand and grant you exactly what you wanted, what would you wish for?


Accepting People You Dislike as They Are

Accepting People You Dislike as They Are: How It Benefits You and How to Do It

Accepting my partner for who he was and not trying to change him was not a consideration. At the time, I equated acceptance with surrender and excusing bad behavior—and being weak. I also believed that I had the power to change people’s ingrained ways, which I now know is myth conquering reality!

I have since learned that true acceptance has nothing to do with surrender, backing down, condoning bad behavior, or the like. Rather, true acceptance means accepting people and things as they are without judgment or harboring negative feelings such as fear, anger, resentment, and the like (or at least minimally so).

As such, true acceptance is the detached, even-keeled acknowledgment of the underlying or objective reality—the “how is” and “what is”—of the person or situation.

With that mindset, you are able to accept someone you dislike as they are, and still terminate the relationship if you determine it is in your best interest to do so. You can also change the dynamics of the relationship if cutting ties is not practical or realistic.
Why I Chose Authenticity Over Fitting In or Standing Out

For example, you can accept a divisive sibling (or other family member) as they are, and still set boundaries, such as avoiding problematic topics of discussion, or choosing the type, extent, and frequency of contact you wish to have.

Further, acceptance does not mean that you need be passive or give up principles and values that are important to you. Thus, whether in dealing with dishonest politicians or business leaders, or when you feel an injustice has been done, acceptance does not mean that you shouldn’t take corrective actions that voice your own “truths.”

The Gifts of Accepting People You Dislike
When you are able to accept people you dislike (or anyone for that matter) as they are, you can then recognize the choices that will serve you best.

Why? Acceptance induces a critical shift in focus from what you are powerless to change or do to what you can do to better serve your needs. In short, accepting what is lets you discover what might be—and no less so when dealing with people you dislike.

I certainly had viable choices with my business partner besides pursuing the combative, self-harming course I chose. One choice was to not sue and instead devote my time and energy—and money—to improving my other properties. However, my unprocessed fear and anger obscured this much wiser path.

A related gift of acceptance is that it brings you freedom by releasing the shackles that bind you to troublesome relationships. (This is particularly true when dealing with past parental transgressions, control freaks, and other “crazy makers.”)

Acceptance is also a great stress and anxiety reducer. When you accept people and things as they are, you have little to stress (and lose sleep) over.

Keys to Accepting People You Dislike
Practicing acceptance with people you dislike is challenging. It is often a process that evolves over time and in which incremental steps are fruitful. Certain keys will facilitate the process.

Process your fears.
Unprocessed fear prevents acceptance because it dominates our thoughts instead of allowing us to make the choices that serve us best. Apt acronyms for FEAR are “Future Events Already Ruined” and “False Evidence Appearing Real.”

With my partner, for example, I was in that “already ruined” mode because of my strong fear that his actions would irreparably impact my livelihood—but they in fact wouldn’t because I had other profitable investments.

We thus need to process and reduce our fears in order to benefit from the even-keeled type of acceptance I have described. Most fears are illusory and speculative; they diminish and even leave when they are closely examined.

It helps considerably to examine the objective reality of the person or situation you are dealing with rather than be guided by negative speculations about what might happen and what could be. Face and lean into your fears. Their bark is much greater than their bite. When you so process your fears, their hold over you (and your thinking) will lessen considerably, and viable options and choices will be revealed to you.

Defuse your anger.
In much the same manner, our anger and resentment toward people we dislike obstruct acceptance. Moreover, anger can easily exacerbate situations in ways that are harmful to us, like it did for me when I dueled with my business partner.

The late Carrie Fisher expressed it well in her book Wishful Drinking: “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” (I certainly drank a lot of poison while waiting for my former business partner to change his dishonorable ways!)

It softens the edge of your resentment if you try to see things from the other person’s perspective. Many—perhaps even most—times, people’s behavior is based on their fears, anxieties, and self-interests and not on any intent to harm us.

An overbearing and controlling boss, for example, is likely guided by fears and anxiety about his business rather than your job performance. A fierce competitor, whether in business or on the playing field or at school, is likely guided by her need to win rather than a desire to suppress you. And an unkind gossiper is likely guided by her low self-esteem and need to be liked rather than an intent to harm you.

In the case of my partner, looking back I now recognize that he acted mainly out of the concern about how the break-up of my marriage would impact one of his largest investments.

Look for the good!
Some—maybe most—of the time we are so engulfed in the turmoil with those we dislike, that we can’t see the “positive” influences that they have on our lives. I learned an awful lot from my partner during the years we worked together. He’s a very astute businessman. My departure totally changed my career trajectory. It lead to establishing a real estate investment company in which I have been able to apply what I learned from him in my own business dealings with great success.

Another major gift was that he played a major role in helping me to prove to myself that I can take care of myself under severe pressures and adverse circumstances. I always had doubts about that.

Recognizing these “good” things removed my anger and I was later able to accept my partner for the person he was, even offering a toast to his good health at a dinner gathering of friends following the settlement of the law suit.


Kids Say The Darnedest Things: Dear Ola, You’re on This Table

Kids Say The Darnedest Things: Dear Ola, You’re on This Table

Dear Ola,

The last time I saw you before yesterday, I was dashing out of the house while you rode on your bicycle. I think I saw you wave at me but I was on the phone and concentrating on not missing my appointment.

I got to your apartment and immediately rushed towards you after the house meeting, I had missed you and wanted to have a quick chat. As soon as you saw me coming towards you, you shifted your position and turned your back towards me. As an adult, we don’t retreat from fights with minions. I asked you, “Ola, what’s wrong? you don’t want to say hello to me?”

You shook your head, concentrated hard on your iPad and refused to look up. I was genuinely worried so I asked your mum “What’s going on with him? He’s not talking to me”. She said “You’ve not introduced him to your new help, she doesn’t even open the door for him when he knocks. He has complained to me o”


Ola, must I remind you that you and I DO NOT own my apartment? But I sat beside you and explained myself instead: “Ola, the new aunty doesn’t know you that’s why she didn’t open the door and there’s no more pineapple juice because I’m never home these days”

You looked up from your iPad ‘Why are you never home?’

‘Because I’m working a lot and I get home when it’s really dark?’

‘But is that safe?’ Your brows were furrowed

‘Yes, it is safe.’ I nodded and almost held my chest, that was a very cute question.

‘So this means no pineapple juice ever ever? like never again?’ You wanted to know.

‘Maybe not forever but I’ll bring you a glass anytime I make some’ You seemed satisfied with my answer.

Seeing as I was back in your good books, I asked, ‘So do you want me to introduce to the new aunty now so she can let you in anytime you knock?’

Your response shocked me: ‘Can I think about it?’ Two fingers on your jaw, you stared into space.

Wawu! I heard your mum chuckle, I tried not to laugh while I shook my head in wonder and whispered to her, ‘who is this boy?’

It took you almost a minute but your excellency finally made a decision: “Okay, I guess” you shrugged like you were doing me a favour. “Sometimes after playing football I want to rest my legs in your house but she doesn’t open up”

You want to rest your legs! Issokay.

We proceeded to my apartment where I introduced you to Funmi, the new aunty. You extended your tiny hands and re-introduced yourself, ‘My name is Ola. I live upstairs’

Funmi took your hands and simply said, “Funmi.” then immediately left us standing in the middle of the living room for the kitchen.

You looked at me and you said the darnedest thing with a semi-toothless grin:’Awkwarrrrrrrrrrrrrrd!’

Dear Ola, you’re something else!

Yours in wonder,


Benefits Of Authenticity

Why I Chose Authenticity Over Fitting In or Standing Out

For many years I felt like a fish out of water, but I desperately wanted to belong in the pond. I grew up wanting to be ‘normal,’ to fit in and be like everyone else. As a result, I was not in touch with who I was because I didn’t think there was another choice.

The blueprint was clear: find a man, settle down, and prepare for a family. Do the career you’ve trained all your life for and climb the ladder because more (status, money, etc.) is always better than less. Buy things because they’ll make you happy. Be busy because this is a sign of success, even if it means you’re stressed and on the verge of a breakdown.

So I did all those things and it didn’t make me happy, and for many years I denied the things that would. I wanted to feel important and successful, so for many years I put off my dream jobs—writing, yoga, and new age hobbies.

I was desperate to shed all these false goals and the materials things I’d collected, which weighed me down.

We are inherently people pleasers, so we want to fit in—to not rock the boat. But we also want to be successful and be noticed—try to stand out.

It’s a competing paradigm that tests our authenticity and takes us further away from who we are with this pressure to be something else. Whether we deny ourselves to fit in or push ourselves to stand out, we’re having to be someone else, and that’s exhausting.

This was certainly true for me, and I tried both!

Scared of being different, I adopted other people’s styles and opinions and shaped my life to look like everyone else’s—the job I had, the people I hung out with, and the hobbies I pursued. It didn’t make me happy. In fact, it was an exhausting act in a play that didn’t feel like my life at all.

When I got older, I began to feel pressure in the other direction—to get noticed, to stand out.

When I started dating there was a pressure to dress up to be noticed and get picked; similarly, at school there was a pressure to try to be top of the class, be noticed, get picked for the team.

As I climbed the career ladder I felt the pressure to stand out again—to be more extroverted despite my introvert tendencies, to speak up, be the hard-nosed business woman, to chase down the big promotions and be noticed by the bosses, to be picked again.

Two pressures in opposing directions, but the same results. None of it was me, and both related to my need to please people, conforming and doing what I thought I should, not what was deep in my heart. Hell, I hadn’t even known what that was given how little attention I’d paid to it over the years.

Being happy for another woman’s major moves doesn’t take away from your own accomplishments.

It can be our people pleasing tendencies that compel us to conform or try to stand out, but our fear of failure is also a huge contributing factor. We don’t want to fall short of society’s ideals, not be like everyone else, not make our parents proud, or not fit the mold for ‘success.’ We don’t want to be left on the shelf or be seen as different, undesirable, or unsuccessful.

I spent my life doing what I felt I should, what those around me did, what felt ‘normal’ even when it didn’t feel right, even when it disconnected me further and further away from myself. It was only when I felt burnt out and exhausted from a lifetime of acting and feeling desperately unhappy that I thought things must change.

I wanted to be me and find others who were themselves, but I also needed to find out who that ‘me’ was.

My resulting action was quite drastic: I quit my corporate career, left my relationship of seven years, and traveled around the world in search of answers. I felt a need to get away from this place I didn’t belong in and wipe the slate clean to rebuild my life in accordance with who I really was.

A trip around the world isn’t a prerequisite for embracing your authenticity; it’s actually much simpler.

Ask yourself what you used to dream about as a kid, what is it that you admire most about others, what legacy do you want to leave the world, and what are your values? What do you love to do, and do you currently make time for these things?

Take a moment to consider what your strengths are and get clear on your values. It also helps to seek out like-minded people. Not only do we feel at ease with them, they help us grow and flourish in accordance with our true selves.

This need to fit in or stand out can show up in many ways: sending your child to a certain school because it reflects on your status as a family. Taking over the family business because you want to make parents proud. Driving a certain car that reflects your importance and status as a human. Wearing the right clothes because they are ‘in fashion’ and are what everyone around you is buying.

There is another way, and it involves listening to your heart, not what others say. Follow your own dreams, not those society prescribes. Know who you are and stay in touch with that. Make decisions based on your values and the legacy you want to leave. Rediscover what matters to you instead of worrying about what you think you ‘should’ be doing. And ensure you prioritise your time based on your true priorities—the ones that make your heart sing.

Source: Tinybuddha

Men Peeing By The Roadside

Today, A Man Fed My Eyes With The Most Unsightly Image

Most times, we hear people say women are the ones who harass men with their looks, types of clothing and the different ways they flirt. No disputing that but I’ll say that sometimes, it is the other way round.

So today, I left work during my lunch break in search of food. It was a new environment for me and I did not really know my way around so i just took a stroll, hoping that I’d find something along the way.

As I turned to the first street, I spotted a man taking a leak at the side of the road. Of course, it was not my first time witnessing this but this time around, it was a whole new experience. This man caught my eye as I glanced towards his direction, and kept looking at me as I walked by me.

That was not shocking to me; the most shocking part was when he rose his t-shirt to his breast level, put one hand on his waist and then with the other hand, held his penis, and started shaking it.

Dear men, how are you able to disregard soiling your legacy for a few minutes of non-consensual sex and/or sexual assault?

Either, he was shaking it to let go of the remaining drops of urine on his member or if he was deliberating doing it, I could not say initially. All I knew was that I was riveted to the spot, wondering if I was really witnessing that in broad daylight and with many others passing by.

When I eventually realised he was doing it intentionally, I could not hide my disgust. He was goading me, waiting for me to either show my interest or voice out.

I looked at him in disgust and walked off. I could not help wondering the unfortunate person who’ll shake his hands in a few minutes.

Written by Ayo Al for

How My Mother Pranked Me

You Can Never Have Too Much Money In Your Savings Account

It seems like the way money is flowing, people are being much wiser with their funds. But saving money is a completely different beast, as it calls for a different type of discipline.

It might be super easy for some to save for a girls’ trip or an Hermes bag. But what about tossing money into your savings account for an emergency fund or just to have a cushion?

Life has shown that you don’t need it until you do. And unless you’re saving, there’s a good chance you won’t have it. Having a savings account might seem impossible, especially considering student loans, car notes, and other immediate things that take our budget’s attention. But there are quite a few ways you can start stacking your savings account now without feeling like your money would be better spent elsewhere.

Being happy for another woman’s major moves doesn’t take away from your own accomplishments.

Here are some tips to help you

  1. Set a goal

Whether you’re saving for an emergency fund, a down payment for a home, or any other major life moments, set a goal. That way you not only have something to reach for, but also feel accomplished once you reach your goal. This also takes into account unexpected expenses. Once you do accomplish it, set a higher one and keep stacking. Ultimately, you’re never done saving. It’s just a matter of how much you have in your account.

2. Schedule time to budget

Setting aside time in your schedule to go over your budget can really feel mundane, especially if you’re not a numbers person. But knowing where your money is going can help you stack your savings account even more. Plus, you really won’t know how much you can save without doing your budget. And the more often you do it, the less time it will take as you start to get familiar with your spending habits. Once you determine how much you can save each paycheck or each month, set up alerts to transfer the money into your savings.

3.  Avoid eating out

I remember one time I looked at my bank statement and was literally shocked at how much I spent on food. Most of the time it was just a snack here and there or going out for ice cream, but that stuff adds up. Once I started putting more money into groceries and less into eating out, I saved a ton of money.

This could be a good move for you if you’re looking for ways to start building up your savings account. On those days when you would eat out, put that money into your savings instead, and bring a lunch. If you’re going out with a group of people, you could also eat a heavy dinner at home and just get dessert or an appetizer at the restaurant and put what you would have spent in your savings. Just like it added up on my bank statement, it’ll add up in your savings account. Side note: Having an entertainment portion in your budget is helpful to avoid spending more money than you want to.



Dear men, how are you able to disregard soiling your legacy for a few minutes of non-consensual sex and/or sexual assault?


Your #endrape series has touched me and I want to share my story. This happened recently.

An old friend had been haranguing me for abandoning the friendship. We were acquainted at my place of work 10 years ago. After trying to pursue and I maintained ‘NO’, he said he’d settle as friends. Okay. We became phone buddies only bumping into each occasionally at airports or events.
This year, he started haranguing me again saying as a friend and professional in a field related to the cause his NGO is promoting, we should collaborate. That didn’t sound out of place to me. I postponed the visit for 5 months until recently on a weekend, I thought I might as well. He said he wasn’t in the office that day but at home and I should still visit so I proceeded.

Being happy for another woman’s major moves doesn’t take away from your own accomplishments.

He was very courteous and respectful starting out. We chatted about his NGO and I exclaimed how proud I was of him for sounding so professional; talked about our families; the gospel (he’s a clergyman) and politics (he’s trying to contest for a political office in 2019). I snuck a look at the time and made to leave and he said I should come to his seat as he wanted to say something to me.

As he had been well-behaved up to that point, I did. He started telling me how he found my stubbornness most fascinating and how it had been killing him to sacrifice his all for his family and so now he wanted to ‘live’ a little. I told him that was good and fine but really none of my concern and I had to go.

He held me back with one hand and WHIPPED OUT HIS PENIS with the other and began rubbing furiously. I wanted to throw up. “What do you think you’re doing?????” Uncle replied that since nothing he could say or do would get me into his bed , he might as well deal with the fantasy he’s had about me by jerking off while I watched. Ugh DANG, just…ugh!!!! Talk about from 0 to 100 real quick. How did we get here??

By this time, we were up and jostling for the door and he blocked my path. I tried again- “You do realise your standing in the society and the church, don’t you?”
He replied, “my humanity comes first”.

Obara Jesus! I realised then it was a bad case. All this time the rubbing was continuing and he was asking for “a little time, I’m so close”. Tueh! I had to think fast. I didn’t want to do anything that could create a scene (my driver and his security personnel were outside) or something that would incite him to violence (principle of the cornered animal et al) so I modulated my voice and spoke soothingly-

“Why are you so selfish?” He looked at me questioningly. I said, “Yes. Here you are taking care of only yourself. What about me? Don’t you think I’d like to enjoy too?” Hands left penis, eyes lit up with excitement. “Really??” he asked. “Why not? Am I not human too? Let me go and make a decent arrangement(exact words used) so that we can get it on properly.” I could see the hallelujah dancing in his eyes at this. He literally rushed to open the door and told me he’d be waiting for my call. That was how I left with his penis still nodding its head at me.

Nne, the buffoon had the nerve to text me later and say he was checking on me.

Dear men, how are you able to disregard thoughts of the possible consequences- tainting of your reputation, soiling of your legacy, ridiculing of your family – for a few minutes of non-consensual sex and/or sexual assault /harassment. Is it really worth it?
How. Do. You. Do. It?????

Women Supporting Women

Being happy for another woman’s major moves doesn’t take away from your own accomplishments.

Being happy for another woman’s major moves doesn’t take away from your own accomplishments.

In fact, showing appreciation for your fellow girl boss can actually boost your own confidence and push you to go even harder. You can’t go wrong with saluting another woman, but I know that this is easier said than done. I’m an introvert, so even saying the nicest things to someone I don’t know can feel super awkward.

This is How I’ve Learnt to Become My Own Cheerleader

The reality is, you never know what a woman needs to hear to keep going, even from a perfect stranger. Your positivity toward her has the ability to turn her entire day around, and that’s a great feeling. Ultimately, there are more positive side effects to clapping it up for another woman than there are for tearing her down, or not saying anything at all. Here’s why celebrating other women is actually a win for you, too.

It Will Kill Your Own Insecurities

Cheering on another woman can make you feel so much better about yourself. I’ll never forget when Gabrielle Union explained her struggle with this concept on Jada Pinkett Smith’s Red Table Talk series. She told the story of when she was at a Hollywood party, and made it a point to come for for almost every woman in the room in attempt to make herself feel bigger. Her jealous comments included everything from wondering how they got on the list to criticizing their attire. It was then that her life coach, actress AJ Johnson, stepped in and asked Gabi if blasting these other women made her feel any better about herself. It didn’t. It’s safe to say she isn’t the only woman dealing with deeply rooted insecurities. But, one thing I noticed that Gabrielle has done lately is intentionally celebrate other women with the #WCW feature on her Instagram.

She explained how she’s been able to change her inner hate for other women into love and celebration, which has slowly but surely helped to erase her own insecurities. It’s just something about celebrating another woman that makes you feel good about yourself. Instead of coming down on a woman because deep down she’s your desired body shape, or is living the career of your dreams, celebrate her. The more you do that, the more you’ll see your own strength and positive attributes because they’re definitely there. They just have to stop hiding behind those insecurities.

It Can Build Your Own Network of Positive Women

It’s the law of attraction. When you celebrate other women, other women will celebrate you. By this logic, sooner than later, you’ll have a network of boss women who clap it up for each other on the regular. There’s definitely more positivity and power in cheering on another woman than attempting to tear her down in hopes of feeling better about yourself, even if this jealousy is subconscious. Both options bring attention, but it’s not all good.

When you build up another woman, whether it’s complimenting her earrings, or acknowledging a major move, you attract the same type of love. When you tear her down, you attract negativity. Celebrating a woman that you look up to can lead to her becoming your mentor in real life, or just a good friend that you can trust. On the flip side, the friendships that start with a common dislike for someone don’t last, and can turn toxic with a quickness. It’s important that you’re clear about what type of friend and network you want to have.

You’ll Be Happier With Your Own Life

Sounds a little ironic, doesn’t it? But when you decide to recognize the positive that lies within another woman, you’ll start to see the good things in your own life. To be clear, it’s not the same as cheering her on and wishing you had the same thing. Instead, it’s realizing that you have your own lane to rock, and that only you can do it well. Doing it for the culture sometimes creates competition among women, but the most challenging competition is the one that exists within yourself. Having this mindset can motivate you to go down the path that’s meant for you, all while you cheer on the women around you who are doing their own thing.

Celebrating other women and sincerely being happy for them can also cancel out jealousy. A good rule of thumb might even be to genuinely compliment a woman on something you’ve had issues with, or felt jealous about in the past or present. You’ll soon discover that you’re pretty amazing too. The whole “kill them with kindness” vibe doesn’t just benefit them. This state of mind helps you find happiness internally as well.

You’ll Become Your Best Cheerleader

Celebrating other women is a reminder to celebrate your damn self every once in a while. You deserve a good pat on the back too, and you should never be afraid to tell yourself that. Being a celebrator of all things women can make you feel more comfortable with doing the same for yourself. Like I said before, saluting another woman will in no way stifle your own power.

As you make it a goal to say something nice to another woman, create those same objectives for yourself. Whether it’s reciting positive affirmations in the morning, or leaving sticky notes around the house that are riddled with encouraging messages, you don’t have to feel like you’re missing out on any love when you use your energy to cheer on another shero.

Encouraging other women will give you the boost you need to get out of your comfort zone and try new things. This new sense of adventure will offer you even more of a reason to celebrate yourself, along with all the other women you happen to meet on your journey.

Encouraging other women will give you the boost you need to get out of your comfort zone and try new things. This new sense of adventure will offer you even more of a reason to celebrate yourself, along with all the other women you happen to meet on your journey.


Eating On Other's Bills

Why Eating Too Much On Another Person’s Bill Is A Sin

So my cousin visited recently and he narrated a very funny story to us. He told us of a co-worker of his who had gotten into their boss’ bad books at work. His offence was very simple. You be patient, I’ll share it.

So boss (sharp man of the town) in a very good mood asked the young man(co-worker) to accompany him to a joint to do some “faaji.” When they got there, boss ordered for his first bottle of Harp and pepper soup; my guy ordered for a bottle of big stout and a plate of Asun. The boss still chilling with his first bottle, my guy ordered for the second bottle of stout. About twenty minutes later, the boss called for his second bottle and my guy called for his third. When the bartender was about to leave, my “correct guy” called him back and asked for a bowl of pepper soup too.

Boss did not say a word. When they were done eating, boss paid and they left. Then boss walked to his car, opened it and slid in, started the car and prepared to drive off. My guy started hitting the door in panic, trying to get it open but he couldn’t. Yes, boss had locked it. Apparently they lived not too far from each other, so he didn’t even leave home with his wallet. He thought the boss would drop him very close to his house, but he had guessed wrong! Maybe the boss would have, but I think he felt it was best “my guy” trekked home. After all, wasn’t exercise beneficial to the body? So my guy was left to his fate.

As he kept trying to open the door, he kept making signs to his “Oga” to help him out. Oga wound down the glass and said, “Why don’t you walk off the food?”

Biko, was the boss wrong?

My brother’s recount made me remember an aunt of mine, who had come complaining to my mum years back about how she had taken her younger cousin to a salon and then the girl’s expenses had ended up being more than hers. How that happened, I don’t know.

You know the one I find the most annoying? A boyfriend tells his babe “let’s hang out. I just want to be with you tonight,” and then babe lands at the meeting point with her entourage of three other babes, who have come to hang out with them, without informing her boyfriend.

These “by force entourages” in the sleekest weaves, “baba nla” body cons, and very high stilettos, faces all made up (but brains left unattended to) then proceed to order all the “orderables” and even ask for some to be taken away.

Funny, isn’t it?

My question is how do you know he is capable (that night) of footing the bill of five people? How do you even know he wants company, even if he can foot the bills?

Oh, some people defend themselves by saying, “After all, I was on my own jeje when he said he wanted to take me out. I didn’t force him, so why won’t I eat?”

Really… guys?

Owambe Guide: These Are The Best Tips To Getting Food And Drinks At An Owambe

I think sometimes being sensible helps a lot. It isn’t the food, or money that person spends on you that day that would aid your entrance into the gates of heaven; so please, be wise.

Do not be rude. If you want to bring friends along on an outing with your partner, call him and suggest it, hear him out first before you take any action. If he’s cool with it,  then fine.  If not, don’t force things.

If an older person who isn’t so close to you takes you somewhere, be watchful. Don’t just order or make insane choices. Wait a while, see what the person does and then try to make sensible choices.

The mistake people make is that they equate being sensible to being unreal, or “forming” I believe there is a difference between the two. Wisdom, they say is profitable to direct. The person invited you out, but it is still their money.

Source: Written by Ayo Al for

How To Be Your Own Cheerleader

This is How I’ve Learnt to Become My Own Cheerleader

You know how we watch sports movies and the sight of cheerleaders during break time lift one’s mood? I have learnt to have that effect on myself. I am blessed enough to have wise people around me who are loyal and are rooting for me but alone in my room, when I don’t get the response to emails, when I hear too many “not at this time” or a project goes south, I have only myself.

Today at work, we cancelled a project, one that we’ve spent money on and I just couldn’t find it in me to shake the feeling of loss and disappointment. Why would you work so hard and things sometimes don’t turn out right? Why must the process be so tough and unpredictable, causing one anxiety attack, leaving you standing on your toes, looking out for the sun to finally rise?

The world is hard and too many disappointments can literally choke you and tighten your chest, leaving one with a feeling of hopelessness and the urge to drop it all and run away. I told my friend, “do you know what I want to do right now?” He waited for me to tell him.

6 Excuses You Make In Your 20s, That You Really Shouldn’t

“Run away,” I continued.

I was suddenly tired, my head had become heavy and my eyes burned with unshed tears. People were around me but all of these turmoils inside me was experienced by me alone. I allowed myself to feel all of these because cancelling that project was the icing on the cake in a day of “waiting to hear back”.

After a while, because I hated that feeling, I turned on my inner cheerleader.

I must be clear, I don’t have all the answers to my issues or daily challenges but I have a gift: I’ve always marched forward, like I have no Army.

What does it mean to turn on my inner cheerleader?

Inside me, I am seated alone in a large stadium, watching myself on the field in my short checkered skirt, skimpy top, holding up my sparkly pom poms, jumping and dancing to Kiss Daniel’s “Yeba”. And when he says ‘uncle stop touching’, I push my hips back, hands on my waist and wave the sparkly pom poms all over the invisible uncle’s face and physically, I catch myself giving the uncle a side eye. This immediately cracks me up or at the least causes me to smile widely.

As my imaginations slightly fade off, I make another call, send another text message, re-forward an email, pray… then get back to work. This works for me 95% of the time.

So, bearing in mind that your happiness and your reason to go on must come from within, it is your duty to continually cheer yourself on. So, when the walls are closing in on you, take a minute, close your eyes, imagine you’re in a stadium all by yourself, cheering yourself on to your favourite song, then get back to fighting the good fight.

When disappointments and failed promises begin to choke you, REPEAT!

Listening Benefits

Listening is much more than allowing another to talk while waiting for a chance to respond

Dutch writer and professor Henri Nouwen once wrote:

“Listening is much more than allowing another to talk while waiting for a chance to respond…The beauty of listening is that, those who are listened to start feeling accepted, start taking their words more seriously and discovering their own true selves. Listening is a form of spiritual hospitality by which you invite strangers to become friends.”

When sitting face-to-face in conversation with someone a friend, child, partner, or work colleague how frequently are you actually thinking about nothing else other than the words that are coming out of the other person’s mouth? Probably not too often. And you are not alone.

Research shows that only about 10 percent of us listen effectively. We are so distracted by the cacophony of dings and tweets from our smartphones, not to mention our ever-growing to-do lists, that we struggle to focus and listen when people talk to us. And if we’re not distracted by technology, our own thoughts can keep us from listening to another person. We often think that we are listening but we’re actually just considering how to jump in to tell our own story, offer advice, or even make a judgment in other words, we are not listening to understand, but rather to reply.

Active listening is an essential skill and one of the best ways to connect with another person. The good news is that it is a skill that can be improved with some effort. It also bears noting that there’s a distinct difference between hearing and listening. Hearing is a physiological act; listening involves our ability to unpack the meaning of words, and the silences in between.

Why be an active listener?

Research has found that active listening helps us focus on understanding others and also improves our relationships by promoting trust, reducing conflict, and increasing our ability to motivate and inspire those with whom we’re communicating. Listening to people’s stories, along with sharing our own, can prompt us to put our attention into another person’s world, which cultivates connection.

6 Excuses You Make In Your 20s, That You Really Shouldn’t

There are a variety of ways we can become better listeners. Here are just 5:

  1. Practice.

The following exercise takes only four minutes, but it will prepare you for what active listening feels like so you can put it into action in your everyday encounters: Find a willing participant. Then face each other with no distractions other than a watch or a timer. For two minutes, one of you will speak, answering a prompt while the other listens. If you’re the listener, do not respond at all during the two minutes, but feel free to use facial expressions or nod your head while listening. The idea is to listen to the words for the sake of listening, not for the sake of replying. Then, switch roles for another two minutes. The prompt to use in the exercise: How are you?

  1. Start from a place of open-mindedness and acceptance.

Many of us routinely judge what others say and think about what advice to offer as we hear them speak. Avoiding these patterns will enable you to focus more on what the person is saying, and less on your own interpretation. Before entering into a conversation, ask yourself the following questions:

Can I stay fully present and listen deeply?

Can I keep from judging what the other person is saying?

Can I refrain from offering advice?

Can I avoid interpreting this person’s experience?

  1. Be attentive but relax your gaze.

The idea behind active listening is not to strain your eyes or concentrate too hard, but to be aware of the speaker in a natural and focused way. It’s best to block out distractions surrounding sounds and activities that might otherwise grab your attention. If someone’s speech pattern or accent starts to catch your attention, bring your focus back to the words themselves.

  1. Listen to both the words and the silence in between.

Most of us are uncomfortable with pauses and what we may consider awkward silences. But in those pauses we can reflect on the meaning of what a person has just said. Try to keep your mind from wandering during those moments of silence; there may be significance behind the pause itself.

  1. Ask open-ended questions.

When it feels appropriate to engage in a response, ask questions that are open-ended, such as: What was that like? and How did that feel? It will make for a better dialogue and give you the chance to continue gaining information.

Everyone has something to say, a story to tell, and words we can learn from. I encourage you to listen really listen to those around you, whether the speaker is someone you know well or a new personal or professional acquaintance. You never know where someone else’s words may lead you.

Source :

How To Live Your Best Life In Your 20s

6 Excuses You Make In Your 20s, That You Really Shouldn’t

Excuse me, but I have a question: What’s keeping you from living your best life? Sure, you’re waiting around for all the stars to align, or for the planets to come out of retrograde. You may even say that you’re going to start checking things off your bucket list “when you’re older.” But, wouldn’t you rather be happy — well, now? That’s right, you have all the energy in you to create the life you’re looking for. You just have to ditch the same old excuses you make in your 20s. At this point, they’re only holding you back.

I know it’s easier said than done. Especially when everyone around you is making similar excuses in their own lives, it can be hard to break out of that usual routine. It’s difficult to put aside those worries that are so engrained in your mind, and challenge yourself to live a different life. But, did I mention that you’re simply existing right now? Yes, every time you make an excuse, you settle a little bit more and accept a norm. Lucky for you, that doesn’t have to be the case. The key is to take these six lines and leave them behind. You don’t need them to live your best life.

The failure of parenting, the emerging cycle of distress and daughters without husbands

1.”I Don’t Have Time.”

Right now, you’re looking at your planner and wondering when you’ll ever have the time to live the life you’ve always wanted. You have work during the week, and then somehow every single weekend has been filled up with brunch plans and coffee dates. Even if you wanted to take a trip, when would you go?

Truth is, you have more time than you think. You just tend to waste a lot of it. Learn to say no to plans that you really don’t want to be a part of, and put yourself first. Even disconnecting from social media for a bit will help you make the most of your minutes.

2. “I Don’t Have Anything To Wear.”

Open up your closet and take a second look. Sure, you may be sick of your usual outfits. But, do you have an accessory you can thrown on that will change it up a bit? Maybe you can even raid your roommate’s wardrobe for something cute on a Saturday night. Your options are endless.

Odds are, you always have something to wear. You just use this excuse when you’re lazy or feeling a little stressed. It’s understandable, but take a deep breath. Then open up your drawers with a clearer mind and put on a look that you love. You’ll own it either way.

3. “I Don’t Want To Do It Alone.”

In your 20s, you’re still learning that there’s a lot of beauty in being alone. At first, it may feel unnatural and maybe a bit lonely. But, you get to a point where you’re comfortable, and can stop making the excuse that you need some company to get anything done.

Now more than ever before, your friends and family are busy and not going to be on the same schedule. So, you should book trip by yourself, and maybe even take little adventures around town. (Personally, I love going to the coffee shop and watching the crowds go by.) Life is less boring when you’re not waiting around for other people in order to live.

4.”I Don’t Have The Funds.”

You may have just landed your first job, or are trying to build a budget for the first time. There’s a lot to consider, and saving money becomes crucial, especially when you’re hoping to find your own place. But, don’t use the excuse that you don’t have funds to keep yourself from living your best life.

Yes, you might not be able to splurge all the time, or may need to stay in on a few Saturday nights so that you can pay the rent. But, take time to figure out where your money is coming from and where it’s going, so that you can do the things you want. You may find that skipping out on coffee runs is just enough to book a trip a few months down the road.

5.”I’m Too Tired.”

Being tired is probably my favorite excuse in the book. I’ll take naps on the reg, and still try and use this line to get out of a Saturday night. Truth is, I’m just being lazy. So, later on, when the FOMO is very real, I have nobody to blame but myself.

During these times, I encourage you to catch yourself in the act. If your schedule has been wild, and you really need a night off, then no sweat. But, if you think your blankets just got the best of you, then please rally. There’s a whole world out there to see, and memories to be made. Go to bed earlier, and find some energy to live your best life.

6. “I Don’t Want To Cause Any Drama.”

Not everyone likes confrontation, but that doesn’t mean you should use it as an excuse to get out of important conversations. You might let the people around you get away with actions that they should be held accountable for. You need to find some confidence, and leave this excuse behind.

First thing’s first: Read the situation a bit. If you’re truly overreacting, or the outcome doesn’t seem to be positive and healthy for anyone involved, then it’s probably not worth the potential drama. If your feelings were hurt, though, please don’t ignore it. Like the fish say in Finding Nemo, “Swim through it, not over it,” remember?


Male Child Upbringing Nigeria

The failure of parenting, the emerging cycle of distress and daughters without husbands

I must confess it has taken me some time to finally gather my thoughts on this rather sensitive matter. We are sitting on a generational time bomb and whilst I believe the current generation are beyond redemption, we can still fix our world by taking steps now to halt this malaise.

Self Esteem Has Everything To Do With Domestic Violence And Here Is Why

My first wakeup call happened 3 years ago. I was attending the valedictory service for Year 6 students in an international school located in Ikoyi, Lagos. I watched as 26 precocious younglings came to the stage to eloquently speak about their future ambitions and the effect the school environment has had on them. Summary? Well, of the 14 boys in the class, 13 wanted to be either footballers or musicians (I swear, I didn’t make that up)… the only boy who wanted to be anything other than a footballer or musician was a boy of Indian origins who wanted to be a scientist. For the girls, their dreams ranged from becoming lawyers, accountants, physicists etc… I was properly shook! Our boys have picked the worst role models!

In 12-15 years, that same generation of kids would have become adults and generally ready to enter into the institution of marriage. The problem seems to be that, this generation of male children are completely unprepared and utterly immature. They haven’t been trained to take responsibility or perform the leadership role that society and the woman expects of them. Marriage in our climes used to be a union between a dominant male and an ambitious, yet condoning female… Today, the average woman is both dominant and ambitious… the male? He hasn’t even found himself at 30!

What we have ended up with is a society of ambitious single women, too aspirational for their average male peer and seemingly doomed to either single loneliness or a devil may care, self-comforting relationship with SELF!

I see them every day… ambitious, driven women… at the top of their game, doing everything right and trying to live right… I also see them struggling to deal with the realisation that at 29, they face pressures from family to start their own family… I also see them struggle with accepting the male failures that seem to perpetually cover the face of our earth. They aren’t in any relationship, they fear the biological clock is ticking (even though they still have at the minimum, a decade), the fear that their success drives them even further from the average male… they face the ultimate choice… do I settle for the idiot pestering me or do I wait indefinitely for the man that isn’t coming? It is a desperate macabre dance.

The sad reality is that the young successful male is now an endangered specie! He is under the impression that his choices are limitless (they really are…) … for every good, well brought up, self-respecting woman he meets, there are a few less so women offering him all sorts of services (paid and otherwise)! He can’t understand why he has to date and woo a woman when he has several “floozies” willing to drop their panties at the first ask… He indeed feels like a King… a STUPID one at that… but, hey, who cares?

We are at a cross road and whilst I believe this generation is beyond salvage, we can fix our children before it is too late! Fix your male child today, you will be saving your females too!


Written by Femi Oladehin for

Low Self Esteem Causes

Self Esteem Has Everything To Do With Domestic Violence And Here Is Why

In many cases, self-esteem and domestic violence go hand in hand.  Low self-esteem can be brought on by a variety of factors, and can be a serious issue for females (and males) who are victims of domestic violence and/or dating violence.

Contrary to what some people believe, dating violence is not just about physical violence.  Often it may exclusively involve emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and stalking.  Basically, dating violence offenders always feel the need to be in control of their partners (victims).  The less control an offender feels, the more they want to hurt and the greater the attempts to control.

If victims of dating violence have low self-esteem, it can cause them to stay in an abusive relationship.  This can lead to serious injuries, and sadly, sometimes death.  A person with high self-esteem can also be affected by dating violence, but generally, someone with high self-esteem will be more empowered to leave a relationship that is marked with a high degree of controlling and abusive behavior.

Manifesting The Live Of Your Dreams Is Much More Easy With These Tips

Dating partners with lower self-esteem have a tendency to stay in abusive dating relationships.  Dating offenders often prey on partners who have low self-esteem, realizing that the victim will want and need the no matter what they do.  Dating partners with lower self-esteem also are often the offenders.  Their feelings of low self-worth lead them to feel that they need to control a partner in order to hang on to them.

Because of the connection between self-esteem and dating violence, it is critical that we teach young people about self-esteem.  Those beliefs about ourselves are generally formed at an early age.  In order to prevent dating violence it is essential that children are introduced to the concept of self-esteem at an early age.

How do we raise our children to have healthy self-esteem?

Here are some tips from “Top 5 Tips for Raising Kids with Good Self-Esteem” by Deb Chitwood:

1)     Give your child positive attention.  Spend time with your child and help your child feel he or she belongs and is significant.

2)     Use positive discipline methods, focusing on communication and logical consequences.

3)     Encourage your child, but don’t give excessive praise or emphasize the outcome.  Encourage their efforts and persistence in a task.  This generates internal satisfaction, and develops positive character traits.  By giving excessive praise or emphasizing the product or outcome, the child is at risk for becoming a praise junkie who’s afraid to try something new.

4)     Be sure that your child knows that your love isn’t dependent upon his/her physical attractiveness.  Girls especially need to know that they’re competent and special for who they are, not how they look.  Healthy bodies can still be encouraged through an emphasis on healthy eating and a lifestyle that includes ways to be physically fit.

5)     Follow your child’s interests.  This ensures that your child feels respected and provides him/her with the greatest chance of self-motivation and success.

When a healthy self-esteem is held by our children and young adults, they are less likely to get into and/or stay in an abusive dating relationship or to become an abuser.

Source : Kaity’s Way



Ifedayo Durosimi Etti Profile

“Your Business Needs To Be Viable Before You Quit Your Job.”- Girl Boss: 29 Year Old Ifedayo Durosimi Etti, Founder, Philos And Zoe


Ifedayo Durosimi Etti left a well-paying job to chase her dreams of being of an entrepreneur. She co-founded the company, Parliamobambini along with a friend and though, it has not always been rosy, they have managed to hold things down.

My name is Ifedayo Adegbenro Durosinmi-Etti, I’m the co-founder of Parliamobambini and founder of Philos and Zoe. Parliamobambini is a kids furniture company, and we make babies clothes, wardrobes, and Philos and Zoe is a kids fashion brand, on a mission to reduce poverty in Nigeria through technology, women empowerment and education.

So, how it all started. I was in London when I applied to come to Nigeria breweries. I got the job, it was my dream job, it was all I wanted, I never wanted to be an entrepreneur. It was so bad I never wanted to date someone who was an entrepreneur. I didn’t understand how you could just stand on your own and really do well.

When I had my daughter in 2015, I bought her furniture from London and it was so expensive and that wasn’t even the issue. The icing of the cake is, it cost me so much to bring it down to Nigeria and I thought that was all until the furniture got to Nigeria and they told me it’s contraband. So, I had to pay twice the amount I used for shipment to bail it because I had no other choice. Then I thought why import and go through all that stress when we can also produce standard furniture here and that was how the idea parliamobambini was born.

Then I asked my friend who was the only one interested in what I really had to say, if I could make her nursery and at that I point I didn’t even think about starting, it was later on my friend and I discussed about doing something for kids. We went on to registering the company and that was how the company started in 2015. All though it wasn’t easy when we started because we had to import materials, but we found a way around it. It was relatively affordable.


IFE: Still to the middle class because people were still buying it. So, for it to be more affordable to mothers, we decided to bring local carpenters on board rather than import and that worked fine for us. Doing that, we stopped importing and focused on making the furniture’s ourselves. That made our more affordable and accessible. It’s safe to say, it’s been an exciting journey.

While building my company even though we were doing okay, I still kept my 9-5 job with Nigerian Breweries but all of a sudden, my partner and I felt the business is getting bigger than us. We needed to understand the business, focus on the business, grow with the business, ensure quality control and a lot of things started coming up.

We decided to employ managers to make it more structured, but nothing ever went well because they didn’t understand the structure and mission of our company. We prayed about it, that God should show us the way and thankfully there were signs which I never ignored. I got a call from NSE for a job offer, I went for the interview hoping I would get the job, but I never got a call back and still I didn’t leave Nigerian Breweries until last year when I decided to leave. From that day till date, its been unlimited blessings, the world was waiting for me and I know I am ready.


IFE: I left September 2017


IFE: Challenges are bound to occur in business. For instance, the week we started, we got robbed. It’s been tough but at the same time, it’s been rewarding. Lot of things have happened; talent management has been a challenge as well, but we’ve been able to manage it and I feel like we are ready to conquer.


IFE: No, it has never occurred to me to go back. I wouldn’t trade what I do now for what


IFE: It was very difficult to get the carpenters we work with now because they didn’t want to be fulltime they preferred to be employed as contract which on the other hand won’t work for us. But from the time we’ve signed them on as full-time employees, they’ve been there.


IFE: The global shapers community is a community of young people, who are trying to make an impact in the world and there are global shapers all over the world. So, I’m part of the Lagos hub of the global shapers. We basically have a lot of community projects in Lagos, ranging from digital skills for children, feeding children, and empowering women, teaching them skills to jumpstart their businesses all for free. The global shapers community is one of the best communities any young person trying to make an impact.


IFE: I joined global shapers community in November 2017 and I can confidentially say the network has been phenomenal. The people I’ve access to now is so amazing. It’s a network I would advise anyone under 29(age limit) and I promise you, you would never regret it. In my own little way, this is me trying to make a difference in my own way through the women empowerment project and coming together with like minds people really made a difference.


IFE: I’m 29


IFE: What I would just say is have a plan and have something you’re leaving for. For me, even if it’s not a backup, you need to know what you’re leaving for. The thing needs to be viable. I’m not saying you need validation from people but at least someone should be able to say/ see that your business is doing okay. Before you make the decision of leaving your 9-5 job to start your own job, look at the prospect, get your books in order, and in all, conquer your fears, take charge of your life, and be bold.

Would Showing The Uneducated Members Of Our Nation The Difference Between Us And Other Well Developed Countries Help Them Vote Right?



IFE: I schooled in Nigeria, I went to Covenant University before I went to London. All these won’t match up but I understand the struggle is real because I can relate. When I moved to London I had to work and school in order to survive, I had a job where I worked 30 hours a week while getting an MBA. I can’t say I wasn’t getting pocket-money, but my pocket-money was very little, so I worked to earn extra and also worked hard on getting good grades.

At the end of the day, it’s all about yourself, your values, your work ethics. I’ve always had the entrepreneurial spirit in me, I’ve always been very driven, it has nothing to do with my background. There are people who have been in more advantageous position than me and hasn’t taken advantage of those opportunities. It’s all about you, my friend and I started the business with our own money, we didn’t request for any money from anybody. It has nothing to do with connection and all. I meet a lot of people and I take advantage of them like they take advantage of me, It’s a mutual relationship. Give what you have to get what you want.


IFE: My work ethic is just about do it now. I’m all about do it now and it has helped me a lot.