Dear Mama: A Message To The Woman I’ll Spend The Rest Of My Life Missing
It’s been over 10 years since you’ve been gone. I remember that day clearly…no not the day you died, the day I went to the morgue to confirm myself that you were no more with breath. As soon as I walked into the morgue, I smelt it, chemicals mixed with decay, it wasn’t the best place to go find one’s mother but I needed to see it to believe it.
Then you were rolled out and I stood right beside you, I didn’t shed a tear as I put my finger under your nose, silently asking God to do this one thing for me and I’ll be a good girl all my life.
“You raised Lazarus from the dead, Oh Lord, please let her get up now, this woman has diligently served you all her life…” I asked God desperately. Outwardly I was calm, I didn’t want to get distracted, I wanted to feel your breath on my forefinger. I waited, but it didn’t happen, still, my heart cried to God until an aunt touched me on the shoulder and said it was time to go.
Sometimes, I still perceive the smell of the morgue because that’s a memory that will never go away but that’s okay.
Are you watching? Can you see what I’m doing with myself? Are you proud of me? Do you sometimes shake your head and smile at my silliness, turn down your lips on one side when I make foolish mistakes and cheer in joy when my persistence pays off? Knowing you, I know you’re doing all of these and more. This is the reward of all your kind discipline, values, teachings, and prayers. You taught me compassion and taught me how not to suffer fools gladly. You said to me “Compassion comes from deep in your heart, when your heart is not stirred, you’ll know the person is trying to take advantage of you and it’s time to stay away”.
I miss climbing into bed with you just to stress you out a little bit. I would talk and talk and you’d tell me “go and write these things in your diary. You’ll show your children someday” “But I want to tell you now” I’d sulk. You’d pretend not to care “Go and write it in your diary, I like reading your diary, it’s like a storybook” So, I’d write in my diary but pretend I’m writing to you. The story of how you made me begin to write will be told another day.
You loved us as best as you could, even when life was extremely difficult for you. You showed grace and strength even at moments when you could have been embarrassed, you extended a hand of help, even when you were in dire need of one. You were amazing and I couldn’t have asked for a better mum.
Even as you’re gone, the light of your wisdom continues to direct my path. I don’t think I said it enough, I LOVE YOU!
Happy Mother’s Day.