Monthly Archives: March 2018

Bimbo craig

“After Surviving A Brain Tumor, I Realised There is so Much out There to Live For, I Knew I had Taken Life For Granted, I knew There is A God” – Bimbo Craig

DANG: Tell me the similarities between Bimbo Craig and your character, Tiwa in ‘skinny girl in transit’

Bimbo Craig: There are a lot of similarities between Tiwa and Bimbo. But the only difference is the fact that Bimbo doesn’t have anybody hitting on her. You see, Tiwa with all these fine looking men. Bimbo doesn’t even have OKAY looking men. To be honest, that’s just the biggest difference. But the journey is the same journey. For pretty much all my life, I’ve always been overweight. My mum was always on my case about it but the truth is that I realize that when people are ready for something, they are ready. Nobody can force you into something. It’s a decision you have to come to for yourself and when you realize it, then you make the necessary steps to make the changes. So my mum was always on my case about my weight. But it took me having a brain surgery, -in 2014, I had a tumor in my brain- for me to realize that there is so much out there to live for. If I could live a healthier life, I could try. If it doesn’t happen, and I don’t reach whatever size it is, that’s fine. But I want to constantly be on this journey of healthiness.

So I encourage a lot of women, be healthy. You are big, that’s fine. But just live a healthy lifestyle. Don’t just be big and sit down in one place. I keep telling them that. Which is why when certain people reach out to me in relation to plus size like “come and talk about this, come and talk about that”, I’m like, I don’t really know what to tell you.

I feel like people are losing the undertone message of what the movement should be about. For example, there a lot of plus size women who are into modeling. If you follow these women judiciously, you will find out that they exercise. Life needs to be balanced and that’s what we are lacking. You live, you eat, you sleep but you need to exercise. There needs to be some form of activity. You need something that will get your heart pumping.



DANG: How difficult or easy has the weight loss journey being?

Bimbo Craig: There is always that constant struggle to try to eat right. The constant struggle to try to work out. I was telling my friend one day, “I’m tired”. Sometimes, I cry. I cried last week because I’m tired of the fact that before I go to bed at night, I’m thinking of what to eat the next day. When I wake up in the morning, I’m thinking. And it’s not necessarily because there is no food available. It’s just making sure I make the right decisions.

Look, I’m not trying to be a size 12. I want to be thick but I want to be fit. Thick-fit, that’s what I want. I want to be able to see muscles and ribs in my body. I want to be like Serena. It’s not easy but the truth is, we really make time for things that are important to us.

DANG: I also read that ‘Skinny girl in transit’ fell on your lap. So even though you didn’t plan for it, how has the past 3 years been? How has the show impacted your life personally?

Bimbo Craig: First of all, the attention is crazy. I really don’t like attention. It makes me very uncomfortable. The three years have been crazy but I’m appreciative because I’m not only the actress in the show, I’m the producer. The ultimate joy is to see people appreciate the show. I never thought it would be this engaging which is why every time I sit down and I come up with the synopsis, I try to make the situations as realistic as possible. There are certain elements to the show that if you sit down and reflect about it, you will see that it’s either you know someone it has happened to, or it has happened to you before. Which is why I feel people find it so relatable. So, it’s been crazy.

Also, it’s put a lot of pressure on me. Like I mentioned, you feel like you have to live up to a certain standard and for me, I like the pressure which is the fact that before I never used to want to check myself. I just say what I want and then keep moving. But it’s put a lot of pressure on me about the fact that I need to understand that people are watching. So what I put out there is very important, it’s made me a better person because now I feel like I’m accountable. There are people that I owe things to so I need to always check myself. I need to know what I’m saying, who I’m hanging with.

DANG: What does spirituality really mean to you?




Bimbo Craig: Spirituality to me is everything. Spirituality is not going to church but it’s within. Spirituality is a personal journey. I try telling people that there is nothing that I am right now without God. Because I have seen Him work in my life. After I had my brain surgery, (surgery was successful by the way) I was ill for like10 days. I couldn’t eat, I lost 10 pounds. One of the things doctors told me was to not bend my head when I vomit. I would vomit every day and every time I vomited, I would feel like my head was on fire.

Four years prior to that, my dad had passed from cancer. And when I found out that I had a tumor, I wept. I was uncertain as to what this tumor meant. So for me to have come out of that, unscratched, mentally intact, nobody can tell me that it is me. It is crazy and unfathomable and I believe it can’t be anybody else.

My mother calls me a miracle child. When I go for my yearly MRI checkup, she is like, “Bimbo, how do you go in and out of this MRI every year smiling and laughing?” I am tumor free, this is what would normally kill people but here I am, walking into MRI smiling in and laughing out. I can’t explain it, and for me, things that I can’t explain, I only attribute it to one thing and that is God!

Spirituality is where I find my strength. I do believe there is God. I’ve felt it so I know that He exists.

DANG: Where does your career go from here?

Bimbo Craig: In the past couple of months now, it’s something I have been reflecting on. I don’t know. The reason why I said I don’t know is that there are times in the past when I felt like I had structures and I knew where I was going and then the big guy up there just comes and surprises me. How far I thought skinny girl would go till now has not been up to me, God made this path possible. So I feel I will be ungrateful not to explore it. So, therefore, there are certain things I really love to achieve which is the fact I really love being behind the camera. I’m good at taking instructions and delegating. I like organizing. I like seeing things come together. I like coming out with ideas and seeing it to the end. So, I know that being behind the camera is something I love to do. But I’m also open to acting. Because I never thought I would get this far with it.

DANG: What has been your Naija girl experience? Being a single female in Nigeria specifically.



Bimbo Craig: I personally want to get married. I have said it before and I’m saying it again, it isn’t my main purpose in life, one of my purposes, I believe, is to be a mother. And because of the morals that I have, I know that I cannot have a child, I choose not to, and by the grace of God, because it’s willpower, I will not have a child out of wedlock. I know I need to be married in order for me to be able to give birth to a child. So for me, marriage is important. Now, I have never once set a standard as to when it is going to happen, but I do have a standard as to when I hope it does not happen. And the reason I said when I hope is, I don’t want to be married in my 50’s. By the time I’m 50, I hope to have achieved and enjoyed. And I believe that it would be more enjoyable and pleasant if there was someone by my side, but then I don’t have a time limit for God.

There are some people that don’t want to get married. I’m like that’s fine, but within my bones, I feel like every woman was created to be able to nurture and give love.

DANG: Do you feel pressured to get married?

Bimbo Craig: I don’t. But recently, I’ve been putting pressure on myself. And the reason why is this; I am a check and balance kind of person. And two/three years ago, I didn’t care that much. But with life comes changes and I started developing myself better. So I feel like I’m trying to live a better life. Trying to lose weight, trying to feel better within, trying to speak good about people constantly, trying to be a better person. I’m at a point whereby I’m ready to show other people that as well; that I’m a good person. And when I mean people, I don’t mean just men and women alone. I believe you are what you attract. So I’m now like, “okay Bimbo, start to give good energy so that you can get good energy back. And hopefully, with that good energy brings the right person

So based on that, the pressure is from me but it’s not heavy. NO pressure from the society and definitely not from my mother. It’s just awareness of it. It’s an aspiration.

#DANG

Boxing Featherweight Champion

Meet DANG, Your New Boxing Featherweight Champion, Weighing 69kg and Limping from Over-Sabi

Meet DANG, Your New Boxing Featherweight Champion, Weighing 69kg and Limping from Over-Sabi

I am going on vacation in a week’s time and my bikini body isn’t as neat as I want it to be. I’m running almost every night and working out from home but my love handles have stubbornly maintained their position. So yesterday while running, I passed by my gym and I thought to myself “stop by and let your instructor motivate you harder”.

Sweating and breathing hard, I branched at the gym. I told my instructor my situation and asked how he could help. He said, “try boxing, you have plenty energy, you might like it”. I quickly eyed the heavy bag, there was a lady punching away…she seemed to be enjoying herself and breaking a sweat. Hmmm, this might be interesting

The lady hitting the bag was boxing and kicking the bag at the same time. I wanted to do that too. My instructor gave me huge gloves that fit on the wrist but felt heavy on my hand. He then handed me over to the trainer and said “just have fun with it”. As I was waiting for the trainer to finish up with the lady and start with me, Small Doctor’s “penalty” came on. I started bouncing on my feet like Mayweather. Throwing punches in the air and working my waist. I was getting excited. The trainer told me “I like your spirit”. I told him “I’m ready when you areeee”




“Chin down, knees bent always, right toe parallel with the left knee, let your body control your head, hands up protecting your face, elbow by your hips…” The trainer bellowed out instructions. “When can I start kicking?” I asked him. He said “no kicking, just hands for now”. I did as I was told. He then asked to be excused to quickly attend to something. While he was away, I practiced my stance.

He was taking forever so I started punching the bag. It felt harder than I anticipated but I felt good. Then the devil whispered in my ear, “kick the bag, the trainer won’t know you did”. I looked around, the guy was nowhere in sight so I pulled back, raised my legs high and made the “heeeeeeyyyyaaahhhh” sound then kicked the heavy bag. Everything seemed to happen at the same time. The bag hit me instead of me hitting the bag, it felt like my hip bone had dislocated from its socket, my shin was on fire and I landed with a thud on the floor

I didn’t know what to hold, my hip or my shin, or my bum that landed heavily on concrete. What is this life? I came here all excited and I’m going to leave in an ambulance? That trainer looked mean, I wasn’t sure he would look kindly upon me when I told him I did exactly the opposite of what I was told. I managed to get up, walked around to figure out what was broken, everything seemed fine but my right hip hurt like crazy.




When the trainer came back, I sucked it all up and did boxing 101 for another 30minutes. Because bikini body…

After the training was done, I had never felt so tired in my life. Muscle fatigue, legs were hurting like hell, arms, neck, everything hurt so much. Even though I limped home, I still felt good. When my friend called me later on FaceTime, she asked me “why are you frowning now?” I couldn’t tell her that I wasn’t frowning, that at that particular time, all the muscles in my body had lost the capacity to move

I’ll be going back tonight. No retreat, No surrender. Anthony Joshua, your wife is about to have EVERYTHING in common with you. Wait forrit!

Female Uber Driver

“People Cancel Their Trips When They Find Out I’m Female”- Bunmi, Female Uber Driver

My name is Olubunmi Isaac, 33-Years-Old and I drive Uber and Taxify for a living. I started around July 2017.

DANG: What made you start the Uber Business?

BUNMI: I left my job in 2016.I used to be a banker but I was constantly frustrated by my boss who had at some point asked me out and I declined. At every opportunity, he was piling up the queries (for no just cause) so I just figured; before I get a sack letter, it is best I just leave.

DANG: Did this boss ever ask you out?

BUNMI: At some point, he did. I got to job that faithful day and I saw another query and I said, “No, I’m not going to respond to this” and I tendered my resignation letter. I left the job just like that.

DANG: Did you ever think of reporting him?

BUNMI: I did not. The only alternative that came to my mind was just to leave the job. And I left that very morning. And that was it. For close to a year, I did nothing. I mean, I had worked non-stop for more than 7 years so I thought “okay, let me just take a chill. In 2017, I figured; ‘okay, I am done resting, time to start up something’. I contacted a few people that I know and told them I needed money to start up a business. No one was forthcoming. Then someone said; ‘Bunmi, instead of looking for money, why not sell your car and start up a business?’ I thought, instead of selling my car, why not use my car to make money? That was how I started driving for Uber and Taxify”

DANG: How profitable is Uber Driving?

BUNMI: On a good day, depending on how well and active you can work, I can make up to N25,000. The more I work, the more I earn. So, on a bad day, because there are times you turn on your app and you won’t get trips, I make an average of N5,000

DANG: So you can say right now that the business is going on well for you?

BUNMI: At the moment, yes. I needed money for my business, I can say to a great extent, I’m satisfied with the money I’ve saved so far. When I first started, I worked for like straight two months. Even on Sundays, Saturdays, public holidays, I’m on the road.

DANG: What sort of business do you plan to do with the savings you make?

BUNMI: I’m into cosmetics right now, learning to install semi-permanent eyelashes at the moment. I’m also running a delivery company with my car. As time goes on, once I get steady clients, I’ll buy a motorcycle then get someone who will run errands with me.

DANG: I’m sure driving Uber would have taught you some life lessons?

BUNMI: I have learned to respect everyone most importantly. Let me tell you a story: There is a particular day I picked up a lady, at some point, I told her to help me lock the door and she was like “yes ma’am”. Obviously, she might be older than me and she was so courteous and I’m like “Wow”. Then she smiled and told me a story of how a close friend of hers took a taxi, he was going to a company to secure a contract. So, the guy was in the taxi and was talking to someone. The taxi man could hear his conversation and then immediately he ended the call, the taxi man asked him that “are you going to (name withheld) company, what do you need there?”

The rider almost insulted him like “what do you know? Your job is to drive”. But something just told him to keep quiet and listen to what he had to say. So, he told the driver what he was going to do at the company. The driver said “Oh! I actually know the head of the company. He is my younger brother” The passenger got the contract from that company after he was introduced.

The lady told me, that has really taught her that you don’t look down on people, you must respect them the same way you respect yourself. Even up to your gateman, you don’t know who they are.

Driving Uber has taught me to have a listening ear, to respect people because you never know who you’re carrying in the car, who they are now and who they can become in future

DANG: What reactions do you get when people see that you’re a female driving Uber/Taxify

BUNMI: When people see that it’s a girl driving, some of them just cancel the trip. Women and men but more from women. I’ve actually picked someone that requested up to 5 times, about the 5th time, she gave up during the drive, she told me, she is not comfortable with a female Uber driver. So I asked her, ‘Are you aware that females drive uber all around the world? Even in Dubai?’ She said, “Well, that’s outside Nigeria”. I mean, I’ve picked up someone who said he was not comfortable with me driving him and so he would like to drive.

We still have a long way to go in Nigeria. There is a lot of sexism. A lot

DANG: No regrets?

BUNMI: I am glad I defied the odds and took a bold step, I’ll always be proud of myself for that.

Safari tour

Rwanda Travel Diary: During the Safari Tour, The Devil Tried It!

I decided to cap my holiday in Rwanda with a Safari tour at the Akagera National Park. I went with them because I got good reviews. It was such a wonderful experience and very peaceful too.

During this tour, I saw black faced wild monkeys, baby Zebras, Giraffes, Buffalos, Elephants and a new animal I just discovered called Topi (Please view pictures on Instagram). I was in a good mood, my mood got better when a Hippo stuck out its head from the lake and exhaled through its nose as water splashed everywhere, it was so cool to watch.

Right on my left were crocodiles. So beautiful these creatures, minding their business and loving not being interrupted. I took pictures and just stood there, my head popped out on the open roof of the truck, breathing in the peace, wondering what it would be like to have this kind of life, every day, shared with my loved ones.



“Let’s go,” I said to the driver before I got too used to it.

We had not moved 20feet before we plunged into a deep pothole. I was scrolling through my pictures, patting myself on the back for doing alright and assumed the driver would drive on out of the pothole. Then I heard the tour guide say “Sister, the car is stuck”.

My attention immediately shifted away from my camera to the front of the car -where I noticed the truck was really in an awkward position- then behind me where the crocs and Hippo were loving their lives.

“It’s not a serious problem, we just have to lift the car a little bit from the front,” Said the tour guide.

‘First of all, who is “we”?’ I wondered in my mind because Travel Den already paid for this tour so the only thing I’m supposed to be doing is enjoying my life in the wild- the animals and me.



‘Secondly, I’m just some feet away from Hippo and Crocs, I will not be able to get down from this truck, because… my life.’

The tour guide had alighted from the truck, then he came to my side of the window, asking me to alight as well. I rolled down the window just a little bit and asked him “Can I float in the air?” He said “huh?”
“The only way I’m getting off this truck is to float in the air where nothing can touch me.” It took him a minute to comprehend but when he did he cracked up so hard. Well, it wasn’t funny to me, getting stuck in the jungle was never part of the plan.

Both driver and tour guide alighted from the truck and asked me to get behind the wheels and gently accelerate as soon as they lift the car. That sounded better so I did as I was told. In minutes, the situation was rectified. You would think they’d jump in the car ASAP, instead, they remained outside, chit chatting and inspecting the bonnet.




Ah! Issokay! I stayed behind the wheels. In my mind, I knew if the Hippo chose to be unfortunate and prance towards us while they were busy chit chatting, I could drive off and leave the two experienced hands behind. I was sure they could catch up, the Rhino has seen them many times, I was the one in a strange land.

It wasn’t long though before God gave them sense and they joined me in the truck. We proceeded to continue to enjoy wildlife, safely from the car’s open roof.

genocide

Kigali Travel Diary: My Visit To The Genocide Memorial in Kigali

Travel Diary: My Visit To The Genocide Memorial in Kigali

Once upon a time, there was a united Rwanda, where everyone lived in peace and no man thought to separate himself from the rest because he is more elitist than most. Then the white man colonized the Rwandans and saw the need to categorize the people as elitist and the majority. The elitists were the ethnic group called Tsutsi: the 15% that was seen as more intelligent and industrious. The Hutu, the majority (84%), less superior and not worthy of breathing the same air as the Tsutis

The Belgians educated and favoured the Tsutis but ignored the Hutus. The Tsutis began to feel like the untouchables, the white man told them they were the better ethnic group, therefore they were. The Hutus got tired of feeling like second-class citizens, seeing as they were more than the elitists, they took over power and waged war in Rwanda, having no mercy on the Tsutis, killing them like chickens, leaving their bodies on the streets to be feasted upon by dogs and raping the women, deliberately infecting them with HIV.

During the war, the French continued to sell weapons to Rwanda.

Rwanda had turned into a nation of brutal sadistic merciless killers and of innocent victims overnight.




About 1,070,014 people died in 100 days. Most of the dead were Tsuti.

This is a summary of the Genocide.

At the solemn tear-inducing museum, many of us tourists spent hours reading the stories, looking at pictures of dead bodies, some decayed, some massacred. I felt the sadness in the room. All that information was a lot for one to take in at once. The war videos, handmade weapons, guns, skulls and skeletons that we saw live didn’t help matters. You could hear everyone sigh in sadness and heartbreak, I heard a lady sob, I saw tour guides shed tears and a male tourist clutch a branch of flower close to his chest as he wept in silence.

My heart was heavy but I was determined not to cry. I was very curious as to how any country could recover from this hell, how could they forgive one another and now live in Unity? This happened 25 Years ago but it felt like yesterday.



A Caucasian lady had appeared beside me, she was shaking her head in shock while viewing harrowing pictures, so I asked her “What are you thinking?” She swallowed the lump in her throat and said “This is why I brought my daughter here. To show her that we are the wrongdoers and the colour of our skin does not make us superior. I want her not to harbour any dirty thoughts towards people of colour. She must learn the survivor story of Rwanda then when she gets back home, she will tell her friends, ‘Africa is a great continent filled with survivors'”

Her eyes were heavy with tears as she continued to shake her head in disbelief at the images before us. I sat down then because we were both in front of a screen showing a documentary of Rwandans who had survived.

What all the victims said had this in common “We must forgive or we will never move on”




This was when I cried and all the way to the chldren’s section where pictures of the cutest babies (dead) were displayed, I wept harder. Not only for the hell I had just seen with my own eyes but also because Nigeria is a divided country and I hoped, just as the Rwandans now see themselves as one, we are able to do the same.

It will do us some good to skip the war and go straight to seeing each other simply as one Nigeria. No one should ever live through what the Rwandans went through during the genocide. I hope you crave history and visit this place someday.


This trip was sponsored by www.travelden.com

Dear Mama: A Letter To The Woman I’ll Spend The Rest Of My Life Missing

Dear Mama: A Message To The Woman I’ll Spend The Rest Of My Life Missing

Hi Mama,

It’s been over 10 years since you’ve been gone. I remember that day clearly…no not the day you died, the day I went to the morgue to confirm myself that you were no more with breath. As soon as I walked into the morgue, I smelt it, chemicals mixed with decay, it wasn’t the best place to go find one’s mother but I needed to see it to believe it.

Then you were rolled out and I stood right beside you, I didn’t shed a tear as I put my finger under your nose, silently asking God to do this one thing for me and I’ll be a good girl all my life.

“You raised Lazarus from the dead, Oh Lord, please let her get up now, this woman has diligently served you all her life…” I asked God desperately. Outwardly I was calm, I didn’t want to get distracted, I wanted to feel your breath on my forefinger. I waited, but it didn’t happen, still, my heart cried to God until an aunt touched me on the shoulder and said it was time to go.

Sometimes, I still perceive the smell of the morgue because that’s a memory that will never go away but that’s okay.

Are you watching? Can you see what I’m doing with myself? Are you proud of me? Do you sometimes shake your head and smile at my silliness, turn down your lips on one side when I make foolish mistakes and cheer in joy when my persistence pays off? Knowing you, I know you’re doing all of these and more. This is the reward of all your kind discipline, values, teachings, and prayers. You taught me compassion and taught me how not to suffer fools gladly. You said to me “Compassion comes from deep in your heart, when your heart is not stirred, you’ll know the person is trying to take advantage of you and it’s time to stay away”.

I miss climbing into bed with you just to stress you out a little bit. I would talk and talk and you’d tell me “go and write these things in your diary. You’ll show your children someday” “But I want to tell you now” I’d sulk. You’d pretend not to care “Go and write it in your diary, I like reading your diary, it’s like a storybook” So, I’d write in my diary but pretend I’m writing to you. The story of how you made me begin to write will be told another day.

You loved us as best as you could, even when life was extremely difficult for you. You showed grace and strength even at moments when you could have been embarrassed, you extended a hand of help, even when you were in dire need of one. You were amazing and I couldn’t have asked for a better mum.

Even as you’re gone, the light of your wisdom continues to direct my path. I don’t think I said it enough, I LOVE YOU!

Happy Mother’s Day.

Your Baby,
Ife.

Open letter

RE: Open Letter to My Neighbour’s Son: Based on Recent Events, Ola Didn’t Get The Memo

I wrote an open letter to Ola on Friday, CLICK HERE TO READ but I’m not sure he got it based on the following events.

Today after church, I was in the living room when I heard Ola and his family’s chatter as they arrived from church. I know there’s no way they could have seen me but I crouched low on the couch anyway, I didn’t want any problem.

Who was I kidding? I soon heard a loud gentle rap on the door, “Knock knock”.

I sighed to myself. Since Friday, I had been getting home really late so I knew Ola probably had come to look for his juice in the past two days. There was still no juice in the house and no pineapple to make any. I wasn’t ready for interrogations so I made a soundless retreat to my room.

“Hellooo” Ola’s voice was higher now and his little fists banged on the door instead of knocking.

I was determined not to open the door, I like my Sundays quiet, seated in a corner at a restaurant or lounging in the dark at home minding my business.

My phone rings, it’s Ola’s mum. So not only had Ola come to ask for his juice, he also brought reinforcement. I accepted my fate and picked the call.

“Hello” I sounded sleepy like her call had woken me up.

“Wake up o. Come and collect your problem at the door” She said sternly like she couldn’t be stressed out by Ola and me.

“What problem?” I asked, still keeping up the act of drowsiness.

“Ola now. When you people were sharing juice was I there? It’s either you make him the juice or I do. But I won’t, so please just come and open the door so I can go and make lunch”

I unceremoniously cut her off the phone. Simply because I couldn’t deal.

As I opened the door for Ola and his mum, she laughed out loud at me and gently pushed her son inside my house. She turned back and left me at the door, while I thought of the best way to deal with Mr. toothless.

“I’m sorry I woke you up aunty,” He said as he walked straight to the kitchen. I followed him and watched him struggle a little to climb on the high chair. When he was settled in, he continued “I came yesterday, I think maybe twice but you were not at home. Did you and aunty Eunice travel?”

I wondered to myself if I should tell him that aunty Eunice wasn’t coming back and I had no time to make pineapple juice every day.

“No Ola, we didn’t travel, I came back home late but aunty Eunice is gone, that’s why there has been no pineapple juice. But don’t worry, when another aunty comes to help me, you’ll go back to getting your pineapple juice every day” This time I had pulled the other chair to sit beside him.

“But why can’t you make the juice yourself?” Ola was genuinely curious.

What kind of wahala is this for goodness’ sake? I haven’t gotten used to Ola’s prodding because I have never had to deal directly with him since I wasn’t the one making his juice, I wonder how Eunice dealt with his constant talking.

“Because I’m busy” I smiled at him.

“On a Sunday?” He hit me back quickly.

Ah! E gba mi ke. (Translation: Save me please)

“You know what? I’ll go get the pineapple and we’ll make the juice together. Deal?” I was tired of arguing with this Ninja

“Oh. I’d help you but I’m only 5” Said Ola, complete with both hands up in the air and then down to slap his knee.

I officially gave up. Ola has won this round!

Open letter

Open Letter to My Neighbour’s Son: Dear Ola, Pineapple Juice is not your birth right

Dear Ola,

When your lanky 5-year-old self-came to my apartment for your daily glass of pineapple juice, I accepted you with love but had to break the bad news to you, “Ola, there’s no pineapple juice today”. You looked up at me, arms akimbo, mouth open exposing your bare gums, “why?” You asked, confused and a little angry.

Sigh…

First of all Ola, the only reason this has become a habit is that your mama makes the dopest Jollof rice and she’s always kind enough to share with me. To answer your question, I said to you “Because I just got back from work.”

I sat on the couch, head slumped on the back of the chair, eyes closed, thinking of what to eat for dinner.

“Are you sick? Why are you so grumpy?” You asked me.

Huh? I opened my eyes with a start. I could smell mint and feel your breath on my face. Your head was so close to mine, I could have given you a headbutt but what would world people say?

“No, I’m not sick, just tired. You should go home.”

You had moved closer, looking deep into my eyes, scanning my face with your eyes, then you landed your gaze on my head. “Your hair is untidy Aunty. You must be really tired” I had removed my wig, my cornrows were a mess. Still, I was not in the mood today, so I think I may have snapped at you, just a little bit. “Yes, I’m really tired,” I said.

“Woah, Woah. So grumpy. Easy there,” You retorted, doing a stop sign with your palms.

I must admit, that cracked me up inside but I maintained a straight face. I was still staring at you, trying hard not to smile when you dragged your bum off the couch. I could hear the leather squeak.

“So really really there’s no pineapple juice today?” You asked again, this time looking at me like I had done something wrong.

“No. But there’s yogurt in the fridge if you want.” I was desperately trying to get you out of my hair.

You turned up your nose, looked at me in shock for daring to present you with an alternative. Your next words shocked me.

“How ‘igzactly’ is yogurt the same as pineapple juice?” You shook your head at me like this Aunty knows nothing, even Jon Snow will never present such solution to the problem at hand.

It was at that moment I knew, that my village people had sent you to frustrate my life.

“There won’t be pineapple juice for a long time, Aunty Eunice (my help) is not around,“ I said to you, getting up to go open the door since you were being childish. I could hear you trail behind me

“Okay, see you tomorrowwwww” You bounced out of the house, slamming the door behind you.

Dear Ola, I’m sending this open letter because I don’t want to have to endure your smart responses: I will not be ‘arand’ tomorrow, I’m working late. Plus, fresh pineapple juice is not your birthright!

Your grumpy neighbour.