My Anti-Bucket List: Things I Hope to Never Do Before I Die
In life, it is very important to know what you’ll do and what you won’t. Here’s my anti-bucket list…for now.
Marry a Married Man: It’s all fun and games until it’s my turn to share “daddy yo’s” bed then I see my period! This means the other wife will have double portion of sex while I have none. Allofus will die on the line.
Get a Tattoo: If BankyW decides today to leave Susu for me and his one condition is “let’s get a tattoo of our names on our chwest” my response would be “Someone cannot play with you? Why take me so seriously? Me that I don’t like yellow boys”. I don’t have extra piercings not to talk about getting a tattoo because… Pain.
Serve time in Jail: Ah!!!!
Jump out of an airplane: I’m lightweight, the wind can decide to be wicked. I have thought deeply about it and scratched it out of my bucket list. Bucket list is about things to do before I kick the bucket, not things to do to help me kick the bucket.
Eat sushi: One time in the abroad, one guy was trying to impress me with caviar and sushi. He asked me where I would like to go, I told him to surprise me so he took me to a restaurant that served sushi. He said, “I’m sure you like caviar and sushi”. You’re sure? How? I thought about pretending so I could look fancy but I couldn’t do it. Why do people pay a lot of money for uncooked food including salted fish eggs? We ended up ordering for something for human beings like grilled salmon.
Get lost and find myself crossing the North Korean Border: Remember those American journalists that sneaked into North Korea but said they got lost? The American Govt did all they could to get them out and they succeeded. I know I play too much but that can never be my story. I am Nigerian, please who will rescue me? 2019 exchange of power campaign is close, everyone will be busy trying to get back to corruption while Kim Jong-un uses me as a sex slave.
Mistake Sugar for Salt while cooking: I had a helper who did this and I tried to be understanding, so I put the sugar and salt jar beside each other then tried to see if it’s a mistake I’ll ever make. They look nothing alike to someone with working eyes. That’s one of the reasons I let her go, she was losing her sight, which means she’s a walking tsunami.
Drink raw egg: The smell of egg alone nauseates me, if I was forced to take raw egg, I’d hang my tongue out all day to air dry. I don’t want to be put in such unsexy position
Jog on the Lekki Ikoyi toll Bridge: Have you seen the chaos going on that bridge at night? We don’t know who is jogging for real and who is selling market. If the trumpet sounds and angels are supposed to do a clean sweep, the anger the angels will use in sweeping everybody to hellfire, they’ll forget some of us are without sin. I don’t want a case of “sin by association” please. I’d rather remove myself from the situation. The Lord can come anytime
Swim with sharks: I love my life and the movie “Jaws” has ruined that chance. It’s never happening
Argue with Sheldon Cooper: I just recently moved this from my bucket list to my anti-bucket list. I have imagined myself being in the same room with this exasperating person and my energy drains just thinking about it.Plus I don’t have the brain power.
Do you have an anti-bicket list? Read:Things I Would Like To Do Before The World Ends On Saturday, 23rd September