I am 32 Years Old, I should be normal, date like every other kid out there but, even though I hate my childhood, I am mentally attached to it.
I am quite tall which means at 11 Years-old, I was taller than my mates. I was also very vocal and loved to dance at every opportunity that I had, this made people drawn to me and quite fond of me. So, my parents wouldn’t have noticed much when my godmother consistently rubbed my head, slapped my bum playfully or hugged me at every opportunity she got.
My godmother was my mother’s cousin but she was also my mum’s best friend. My dad had always been averse to us spending holidays in people’s homes, if we were not traveling out of the country, we would stay home. When my aunt consistently asked that I spend the holiday with her, my dad budged and asked me to go spend a week at her place. I remember I was excited because she was my favourite aunt. My sister was doing her A levels lessons then so she couldn’t go with me.
It happened on the first night, she asked me to sleep in her room even though her house had other rooms. I thought I would sleep in the guest room because it had a TV and I would be able to watch till late without interference unlike when I’m in my own house. But, she told me that I could watch TV for as long as I wanted in her room. While I watched TV, she asked me to touch her nipple and showed me how to do it. I honestly can’t tell you that I hated it. I didn’t love it either, I was just doing what I was told.
I remember she also asked if I liked it. I answered in the affirmative even though I didn’t, I just wanted to watch TV. Read:Sexual Abuse: As a child I was Molested by Three different Men, My Parents Didn’t Believe Me
The next morning, I woke up to her touching me. Then, I liked it because it felt really good. That day, she taught me how to touch her and where, she also gave me oral pleasure and made me do the same on her. Sometime during the week, we finally had sex. It was her who taught me how to wear a condom. Before she dropped me off at home, she asked me not to tell anyone as my parents would be angry and stop me from going to her house.
I didn’t tell anyone and for 3 years, we continued to have sex until she got married. She told me we couldn’t continue because her husband would get angry, so I had to go and look for my age mates to be with.
I became withdrawn, got upset easily, failed my exams and threw tantrums at home, she also stopped visiting us as much.
At this time, I had no attraction at all towards any other female my age, I realised I liked and got attracted to older women easily. When I got the beating of my life from my dad at age 15 because I wrote a love letter to my teacher, I reigned in my libido. At 17, I was off to the UK for A levels and university, this was when I went all out dating older women. Older women as old as 55-60. The youngest women I’ve ever dated is 49 Years-old.
In 2010, my sister told my parents that I may be gay. This is because I showed no interest at all in girls. The women I dated, I did in secret and never hung out publicly with them. I knew I was broken, I knew something was wrong with me but I couldn’t bring myself to stop it. I hated my aunt for what she did to me but that never stopped me from seeing way older women.
I had a breakthrough last year when my uncle, who I am really close to, came to the UK to speak with me. My parents sent him to ask me to bring a girl home. I was 31, for a Hausa Man, that’s quite late. They were really scared I had turned gay. I wasn’t surprised, even my male friends thought the same thing because no matter how pretty girls threw themselves at me, I never budged. Most of the time, they were friend zoned.
I finally confessed to my uncle what my problem was and I was shocked, for a Nigerian traditional man, he took it really well and sprung to action.
First, he took me to an Imam who prayed for me and recommended a therapist for me as well.
My first step towards healing was anger. I was angry that I was just a child and did not do anything to deserve what that aunt did to me. I called her and said so many things that I had bottled up for years, I asked her why she chose me, I told her how I may never get better. I asked her how she’d feel if someone did this to her 15-year-old child, she instantly responded in Hausa “God forbid”. That sent me into another fit of anger, how selfish!
She apologised, verbally and by text but what good did that do?
I’m still in the process of getting better. In 7 months, I haven’t had sex with anyone and I now have a female companion who is a year younger than me. More than anything, I am attracted to her mind. Even though she is physically beautiful, I still don’t get aroused by her physical appearance. However, her intelligence and memories of us doing fun things turn me on and warms my heart.
Nigerian men are trained to bottle things in but I know of people who were sexually abused by their house helps or neighbours. They take it in their strides and still grow up with a healthy mentality.
I wasn’t so lucky. So, yea, #metoo. Also Read:My Wife Physically Abused Me For Months, I Have A Scar on my Face To show For It
Written by Hassan for Diaryofanaijagirl.ng