I do not write this from a place of regret. My conscience is clear when I look back and see that I did all I could to save a marriage that turned sour for reasons I couldn’t fathom at the time
There are no sad tales about my courtship with my ex husband but as soon as we started living together, we got on each other’s nerves a lot. It was a small house, a one bedroom apartment where there was really no where to go when both of us needed space. The things life throws at you when you’re not looking…
Living in London, you really have to plan for things. My husband and I said we weren’t going to have kids for the first 2 years to give us room to save for a bigger place and at least one year if child care. However, we started having issues from the first 6 months. My mother said this was normal, so sis my married friends.
I moved from Birmingham to London to live with my husband so we didn’t really live together or spend more than 4 days together at a time, you would think that’s enough to know someone. Little things like playing loud music in the shower early in the morning and not cleaning up after himself to big things like budgeting and saving caused a huge rift between us. Still, I didn’t think this was a huge issue because I did really love him and I wanted things to work out
One of those days when we had a shouting match, he blurted out that he didn’t want to get married but his mother’s pastor said his destiny in becoming successful was tied to him getting married. So he did and now he’s miserable. I asked him that day if he wanted some time away, I could go back to Birmingham until he cleared his head but he insisted he’s in the marriage now and there was nothing he could do
He became more and more quiet, I ran out of ideas in trying to please him. Even when we go for functions, he would ignore me throughout making people notice things weren’t well between us. He wasn’t cheating, I knew this for sure because it was from work to him or hang out with his friend at the backyard or church meetings. Also, my intuition never hinted me if it
The thing with getting advice from different people is that it drown out the truth your soul is telling you. I wanted badly for the marriage to work, so i spoke to everyone who was ready to listen and one or two elderly people said “why don’t you get pregnant? The baby will bring him around”. I went off the birth control and the few times we had sex, I made sure to initiate it. When I got pregnant, things had gotten worse, my husband wouldn’t even look at me when he’s talking to me. And he speaks to me maybe a couple of times a week. I sent him a text with the pregnancy result, expecting some sort of reaction. He didn’t reply the message and when I got home, he looked me in the eye for the first time in days and said in the coldest manner I’ve ever heard him speak to anyone “This pregnancy is on you. When you have the baby, it is on you.”
I was shocked into silence. I cried and begged but I still couldn’t get through to him. Again, my mother said “wait till you have the child, he will come around”
I had the baby last year June and he wouldn’t even come see us at the hospital. How does marriage turn a kind man to one who acted indiffrently? This is an innocent child we have both made, I expected that he at least had some feelings towards him
In December 2016, I moved back to Birmingham. The environment in the house was too toxic for my child and I.
We are not divorced yet but he has made it clear he doesn’t want to be married. Not to me or anyone. Even though he is coming to see the child and has started sending money monthly, he still hasn’t changed towards me. Infact, he is more angry at me for having the baby
My guts told me having a child won’t change the situation but I listened more to people than the voice in my head. I love my child but the idea of raising him by myself makes me cry so much. I have not done anything to deserve the life that I live now but by telling this story, I hope women see the need to choose themselves first and leave a man who has refused to be loved, rather than trap him with a child . If he doesn’t want to be with you, a child won’t bridge the gap