Diary of a Naija Guy: Marriages in Nigeria and Most parts of Africa are sustained by women

Photo credit: Shutterstock 26 September 17, 2017 By Dang

Marriages in Nigeria and most parts of Africa are sustained by women. You can argue this with your village deity. Women in general, put up with a lot of bullshit just to make their marriages work. From childhood they have been taught that a wise woman keeps her home. In order to keep their homes, they end up enduring a lot of ill-treatment.

Find any woman who has been with a man for donkey years and ask her if she would love to marry that same man over again in her next life. Majority would say no. This brings us to the point that most marriages are endurance marriages not happy marriages. Unfortunately, we are told that marital success is about duration.

A successful marriage isn’t about duration but happiness. If two people spend five years together, happily and add immense value to each other; if they decide to break up without fighting about it, their marriage can be rated as successful. Spending eternity together in sorrow isn’t the idea of success to me. It is what you do in the marriage that counts not how long.

Scan through the length and breadth of marriages in Nigeria and see the things women endure. This is not to say that women are innocent. Marriages in Nigeria is quite disadvantageous to the women folk. Except you are lucky to have a man who has a good head. Infidelity, entitlement mentality, domestic violence, third party interference, patriarchal orientation etc are some of the things women bear up. How many women are willing to walk out of their marriages when they are abused? They want to keep their homes and status. They want to raise their kids. They don’t want to be seen as failures. The moment a marriage fails, everybody points at the woman. This in itself is psychologically abusive. What is Marriage Really About?Turning Your Wife into A Househelp?




When it comes to marriages in Nigeria, everything wrong with the marriage, is the woman’s fault. Bad children are her fault. Failed business, failure to have kids, crappy sex, the man’s infidelity, the man’s arrogance towards his family members, his stinginess to people in general, his lack of spirituality, his night crawling attitude, his poor dressing, everything is her fault.

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After all these years of matrimonial slavery, women are beginning to set their priorities right. It is becoming clear to them that the quality of the marriage is what matters. They have come to agree that being single and happy is more important than being married and frustrated. But men won’t let them be. The same men would abuse a woman for opting to stay single. Isn’t this insane? You are not ready to treat somebody right, yet you won’t let them be. You tell them how stupid it is for a woman to be single, but your mouth won’t utter a word to tell men that they should treat women better. These things are worrisome to me.

The women who are standing out and demanding for their rights as humans are being tagged with all sorts of names. We say all manner of things to dampen their spirits. We are citing them as the reasons behind the failure of marriages. What we have failed to see is that marriages weren’t successful as we were told. It is just that the women were covering up our nakedness just to make everybody feel that their marriages were perfect. The burden of covering up our masculine insanity has increased and they can no longer handle it. Recently, they have chosen to unmask the matrimonial institution and show the world what they have been hiding for ages. We are scared that our little secrets are being revealed. We aren’t as powerful as people thought we are. We are just cowards hiding under patriarchal privileges.




So the question is, how many men are willing to put up with a woman who would give them the same dose of madness they have been giving to women? Exchange the roles and let the men be at the receiving end. Men are walking out of their marriages for little things as who cooked food, she starved me of sex for a week, she slapped me, she was flirting with my boss, I met the house dirty. Very insignificant, compared to what women have been putting up with.

I would like you to judge for yourself. When it comes to marriages in Nigeria,Who is sustaining it? Apart from a few reasonable men, most men marry without a sense of marital purpose, which is why they destroy their marriages themselves and blame their wives. Now you can see that we can’t even put up with marital challenges, yet we are always quick to say that women who walked out of abusive marriages were not willing to make their marriages work. If you are such a man, I wish you a very bad woman, and I hope you stick with her and make the marriage work.

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I want a good woman. I cannot come and suffer for the sins of other men. Bad women should go and marry bad men. Let the good marry the good. I didn’t come this far to pay for the stupidity of other men. After abusing a woman I will now come to reap your madness from her.

I wish myself and all the responsible men out there, good women that would value us.

Copyright Victor Ibeh 2017

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26 comments on “Diary of a Naija Guy: Marriages in Nigeria and Most parts of Africa are sustained by women

  1. Mrs T

    Thank you for this write up Victor. There are so many valid points raised. I wish all men would reason the way you do. Women are blamed for everything. A man’s responsibility suddenly becomes his wife’s own but she shouldn’t complain because it’s not the way a good woman behaves. A woman must endure her husband’s bullshit to save face. I am happy most women are not buying into this nonsense belief anymore. We as women (and men) forget that our children’s earliest memories are how we treat each other. What memories would you like for your children to have? That it’s okay for a man to walk all over a woman? Or a woman must stay in an abusive marriage to save face? Or because it’s been said over and over again that it is a man’s world, men should not be held accountable for their actions?
    Let us as women rise up and decide not to accept mediocrity. Let us choose to set good and right examples for other women. Let us not tear each other down. Being married should be a thing of joy and contentment not a thing of endurance.
    Thank you again Victor. God bless you




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  2. Anonymous

    One of the most reasonable pieces I’ve read about marriage. I’m just grateful women are finally breaking free from the whole ‘if your marriage fails it’s your fault’ crap. A stigma that needs to be reversed. Men better watch. It’s no more business as usual. It’s just sad that’s it’s tough being a woman in Africa but we can start somewhere.




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  3. Anonymous

    “You can argue this with your village deity.” this got me in stitches lol … so many valid points and it sorta sums up that marriage kinda favors men. God bless Victor for this because men need to get their acts together, Men cant bring nonsense to the table and expect women to bring good character, virtues etc in return. Nope!!! what happened to treat others as you like to be treated or love your neighbors as yourself. sigh… it is well this is a start of something good.




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  4. Anonymous

    Great piece. I used to feel the pressure of being single at 31, but I’ve realised that it’s better to wait for the right man than to endure a disasterous marriage.




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  5. crecia

    Very good post victor! It shows that not all men has myopic thinking….women endure a lot and that makes us the younger generation so scared of going into that institution called “marriage”




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  6. Miss M

    Victor thank you a billion times. Thank you and may you find the woman virtuous enough to make you happy as you strive to make her.




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  7. Daddyoo

    “Men who marry without a sense of marital purpose” . This is really a major red flag sapiosexual or intelligent women ignore. Then begin to resent. If you ask a man what he believes your purpose as a couple is and he is still stammering you better run. Cos after it comes emotional stories of blame…




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  8. ugonmaandrew

    Dear, Victor Ibeh, the kind of sense u put together in this writeup, even my fellow women have not achieved it. Can we get married already? pretty pleeeaaassseee?




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  9. Nini

    Very well said @ victor, your head dey there. This actually got me laughing “I want a good woman. I cannot come and suffer for the sins of other men. Bad women should go and marry bad men. Let the good marry the good. I didn’t come this far to pay for the stupidity of other men. After abusing a woman I will now come to reap your madness from her.” A lot of men do not know that there actions has consequences, not just on them alone but on others. I really hope more and more men will own up to their responsibilities to make their marriages work. Gracias




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  10. DonnaWen

    Can I simply say what a relief to find an individual who truly knows what they are talking about on the web. You certainly understand how to bring an issue to light and make it important. More people really need to read this and understand this side of the story. I was surprised you’re not more popular because you most certainly have the gift.
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  11. Agbaniebere

    Victor Ibe touched so many parts I’d always talk about and people especially family will see me as an extreme feminist, but how won’t I be with my experience and what I see around; women suffer a lot in this part of the world and I won’t fault any woman who refuses to get married cos no part of marriage favours the woman. Until who have men that reason like Victor Ibe, marriages will continue to fail, cos we are tired of managing men, enduring and dying in silence.




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  12. Anonymous

    Victor Ibe touched so many points I’d always argue on and people especially family will see me as an extreme feminist, how won’t I be with my experience and things I’ve seen growing up in Nigeria. Nothing in marriage/family favours the woman and I’d never fault any woman who refuses to get married for this reason. And until we have men that reason like Victor Ibe marriages will keep failing in Nigeria, cos women are tired of enduring, managing and suffering in marriages. Agbaniebere




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  13. Anonymous

    Someone said a man will not treat you better than the way his father treated his mother. Sometimes I think education can help redesign the mentality of some men I still don’t see the use of going to school in areas like entitlement and patriarchy. May God help us all




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  15. Anonymous

    May God bless you for this write up, exactly bad men should marry bad women and vice versa, you really deserve a good woman in short come and marry me.




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  16. Anonymous

    This write up is so apt and on point. Religious institutions, parents, family, women are the greatest culprit that encourage this menace. Like pointed out in this write up, women are tired of this bull-shit. It is hard though, I must confess because society labels such women as prostitutes and loose. It seems that the society use this psychological abuse to keep women in bad marriage. It does not matter if the husband is a serial cheater, wife beater, lazy, gossip and outright wicked. I think it is disservice for a woman to say she is staying in the marriage for her children. Actually she should leave for her children, so that they don’t accept their favour’s behaviour as the norm.




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