My Embarrassing Fart Story. Oh, Hello China

14 July 24, 2017 By Dang

My Embarrassing Fart Story. Oh, Hello China

When I go watch a movie by myself, I usually sit in a corner at the far back, with the hope that no one sits beside me. Mostly, I like to enjoy myself and eat my pop corn in peace without some stranger making commentary beside me.

Yesterday, while watching Alter Ego (read review here) I thought I was in luck, until a man begins to walk towards me. I mean…the theatre was half full, there were two empty rows in front of me so why choose my self designated corner? I quickly put my bag on the seat beside me as I continued to scroll through my phone. “Is this seat taken?” He asked me. I didn’t bother to look up, I just nodded and continued scrolling. I noticed he took the next available seat, I still didn’t like it but there was nothing I could do.

As we watched the movie, he would make comments directed at me, hoping I would respond, instead I would smile, nod when appropriate and continue watching the movie. Why must strangers talk to other strangers during a movie? Why can’t people understand that this is a way for some of us to relax and enjoy life?

When the movie was almost over, I felt a fart brewing so I tried to trap it and let it out slowly (I have mastered the art of letting out my fart in small doses so if it smells, it doesn’t overwhelm the people around me). So, I let out a small dose by raising my right butt cheek just a tiny little bit. pfffft…soundlessly and effortlessly, that happened.

The movie had ended, people were trooping out. Left butt raised slightly, still seriously watching the screen, I was ready to release the next one. This felt like a heavy one though so I gave it more room to let go by raising my butt cheek higher. As I let go, I heard the loud sound of betrayal coming from my behind “Brrraaapp!” and at the same time, notice Mr stranger get up. I quickly looked up to see if he heard anything.

He did! We both froze. He was looking at me!

Trying really hard not to smile, he sat back down! Whyyyyyyyyy? Why did he sit back down? I have asked myself this question since yesterday. At that moment I knew, I had to leave the country and move to china. There are over a billion people there, I can get lost in the crowd and this man would never be able to find me.

Don’t ask me what happened next, it is really not important. Who has a family in china I can stay with till I’m able to get my own place?


14 comments on “My Embarrassing Fart Story. Oh, Hello China

  1. Lilia

    Lmao, you are hilarious. I read your post all the time and realize i have so selfish not to comment. So cheers to a new regular commenter. #Dhuuur


  2. Anonymous

    Sisterly….walahi ur analysis of the fart compliment my fart and d way i try to trap it and let it out slowlyyyyyy so that no one misses thwir life line eh is classic so tau tummy go dey bloated.hilarious post that i totally idrntify with


  3. fart4mee

    abegiii.. nothing to be embarassed about jare.. the yeye man wey dey find love for cinema house no dey mess.. who no dey mess, oyibo wey we dey copycopy in every way (our dressing, speaking and character of performance in life style) dey mess too and their fine fine ladies dey even dey post video of demselves as dem mess on camera on youtube everyday.. but naija go dey fom as if we no dey sneeze at all.. wetin hapen we no fall from heaven na we be human being too…
    I dont know why naija babes want to aborlish or bann farting amongst themselves, the guyz too dont want ladies to fart at all but they do it every time.. so feel free to fart, mess no get toilet


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