I Found Out My Friends Were My Biggest Haters
A few months ago, a friend of mine who I met through work invited me to come with her on a trip with two of her girlfriends. I was desperately wanting to get away so I jumped at the opportunity. However, three days into the trip, I had experienced a rude awakening where I came across a conversation on her phone as I was sending group photos from her phone to my number. My name popped up at the top of the screen from another co-worker (God’s intervention) and I found a conversation where she was talking about me behind my back.
As I read the conversation, I felt my body flashback to middle school, a time where I often found myself in the middle of catty situations. Yet, this time I was dealing with a 28- and 31-year-old. Two women I somewhat looked up to at my job and spent happy hours over drinks and talking about life, love, and all in between. Two people I naively trusted and I felt blind-sighted by it all.
In the conversation, I saw a screenshot of a photo that I posted to my Instagram the day before of me in a bikini on the beach and under I saw mean comments like, “Killing me softly.” As I continued to read the conversation, I instantly thought to hours earlier when I asked my friend to take a photo of me, she said in a snarky tone, “No, you have enough photos of yourself.” I took her response as her sarcasm and did not think twice about it
I felt angry, hurt, and betrayed. At first, I did not want to confront her about it. Yet, I figured that if I didn’t say anything, it’d probably eat me alive, cause me to act resentfully, and ruin my trip so I gathered the courage to pull her aside and tell her everything I saw and ask her what is going on. As I spoke I had to fight back tears because I felt vulnerable and hurt, especially being in another country, which was suppose to be a fun girl’s trip. She ended up apologizing and spent the rest of the trip acting really nice to me, which part of me knew she was only acting this way because she had been caught. I don’t believe in burning bridges so I decided to remain cordial and respectful, but I knew from then on that I could not trust her and had to distance myself.
I was always made fun of for being tall, skinny, lanky and not having any of the features “black girls are suppose to have” (big booty and boobs) as seen on music videos and throughout the media. I had extremely low self esteem and man it took so much internal work for me to be here. To be in a place where I unapologetically love myself within and without. To not compare myself or want to be anyone else.
Often we forget that most of the things that people do to us have nothing to do with us, but more about them. Your confidence, self-esteem, and happiness may cause other people to feel uncomfortable because they are not happy or confident in themselves
Yet nothing they can say or do will ever take away from this light of mine that I have found within myself. I have definitely learned a lesson about being more mindful about who I go on trips with and more importantly, watching who I call my friends, especially outside of my “day-one” circle of true friends.
Written By: Maritza