Dear DANG: There is no Manual on How to Act When Your Motherhood is Questioned -Miss K

Photo credit: promom 11 January 25, 2017 By Dang

I am an ardent reader of yours on Instagram and immediately bookmarked your website as soon as it launched. This is why after reading your open letter to Tonto Dikeh, I took it upon myself to tell you my story. I am not a celebrity, so I hope you’ll relate with me

During my divorce with my ex husband, when we sat with our lawyers, he called me a bad mother. Yes, my ex husband and I used to smoke weed but our 5 year old never saw me smoke. Him and I never ever smoked in the house. He also insinuated I drink a lot and get home drunk on Fridays so this makes me unfit and he wanted sole custody. These were all lies 

When he said this, I panicked and my lawyer insisted I get drug and alcohol test done. My heart broke into tiny pieces because this is a man that had more influence than me. What if he goes and forge an alcohol test to prove himself right? We were seperated for a year. I have had no drop of alcohol since then partly because I was seriously trying to lose weight. 




Straight from the lawyer’s office I went to get the test done. I closed early from work the next day, picked up the test result and dropped it at my lawyer’s office then made over 20 copies. I drove around Lagos like a mad woman, submitting drug test results to his family members and mine. Trying to convince them to get on my side and talk to him not to do anything funny. I even got to his own lawyer’s house at 11pm, although he didn’t allow me in, I dropped the test result at his gate. Not only was I angry at my ex husband, I was scared too. That my child would be taken from me and everyone will say it’s because I’m a bad mother. I did a test every 3 days, submitted it round to the same people until the hearing in court

Thinking back, this was not ideal, dropping the drug test results with my lawyer was enough to shut down his accusations but I was desperate for people to know I was not a bad mother. I have sole custody of my son now. This is because the judge asked for my ex husband’s drug test too when she found out I was the only one that had that in her file. He submitted his and had cannabis in his blood. Case closed quicker than it started 




Dear DANG, can you see why I empathize with Tonto? Women pride themselves on being the best mother their child can have, so trying to ruin that part of her life will get her on the defensive and make her do what is sometimes unnecessary. But it is all in good faith

You already know I love you. Hopefully my story will make you see things from Tonto’s point of view. 

Love,

Miss K.

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11 comments on “Dear DANG: There is no Manual on How to Act When Your Motherhood is Questioned -Miss K

  1. Akinsuyi Memorial

    #diaryofmotherhood.. You actually have a point from your previous post about Tonto, maybe because she’s a celeb and her fans probably care less unlike her family members and in laws. You saying this story from Miss “K” gave you a new perspective is #DANG. Love you for been dynamic with your thoughts. #keepgrowing




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  2. Anonymous

    Thank you for the email, Miss. K! No reasonable mother (abiyamo..if I may say) whatsoever will not defend her stance in anyway to protect her child or stand against anything that will jeopardise/question her responsibility on her child, in the future. Especially when she’s not guilty! DANG, thank you for seeing and accepting this in a new light.. God help us all..




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  3. Miss M

    Hi DANG

    This is going to be a long mail/response to Miss K’s story but I will write it anyway, if you decide to share it, fine, if not, its equally ok. Not many things in life come with a manual; motherhood is the one thing that you never really see many of its parts coming. It hits you, it rolls towards you and make the best of it you must. I can’t even begin to ask why you thought Tonto shouldn’t have published her drug test, but for good reasons you thought and may still think so. But let me tell you this; when what you hold most dear to you, when what is most precious, most sacred is threatened; you will go to extreme to ensure it doesn’t happen. Trust me, for Tonto to have published that, know that there must have been carnage of disaster and a string of horror rolling in, wave by wave.

    I am on the verge of divorce and have practically lived with my soon to be ex husband as tenants (not even co-parents). When the first sign of our failed marriage first really hit, he had said he wont fight me over our daughter, he had repeatedly said to me and friends that he knows that our daughter would do great with me. Fast-forward three years after (the marriage was failing but I would hope and try at different points, till I finally realized I was done and there was nothing humanly possible I could do, so I made a conscious effort and checked out) and he’s singing a different song. He has now not only said I will be a bad and unfit mother, but he has said that do I think dressing a child up is the way to be a mother? But it is this same me who attends every school function; play, stage presentation, prize-giving day, cultural day, PTA, drop her off at outside school functions, teach her words and sometimes tend to her home work with the help of his mother who for the purposes of this letter, I will say she lives with us (bear in mind, that I have a 9 to 5 job while he does nothing). He has not put forward any financial contributions towards his child and once prided himself for paying her school fees. In all of this, I have said, we can be apart and be good parents, I don’t want to fight you and I don’t want to stop you from being in your daughter’s life because she needs you. I know I cant be a father and a mother because I cant speak to the experiences of a man, so she needs you, I just don’t want this marriage because of what it has and is doing to us, let us be amicable. But him being amicable is admitting to failure; I’m willing to admit I failed because this marriage didn’t work out and its ok, I can live with that and be happy and learn from it. ‘But a man? No, especially a man filled with empty pride? Never? You are asking him for the impossible.

    While Tonto and Miss K might have lived a full and adventurous life, which God knows every woman should before marriage and kids, I have and I am, the opposite. I have never smoked a day in my life (once I tried it and my asthma almost kicked in almost killing me… Lol), I was raised to know that wine drinking is part of a good enlightened culture and even with that I hardly drank and when I did, I did so in moderation. A glass or two of wine, an occasional two shots of Hennessey and coke, a mojito, a margarita and that’s about it. With a light head, I could never drink and I am pretty much your occasional social drinker because even when I’m out dining, I would take a soda or chapman and not drink. As a matter of fact, I only started buying bottles of wine at home. Even in the face of our failing marriage, we (even though we wouldn’t speak to each other) would share a bottle of wine with his mum.
    So when he decided to fight me saying I will make a bad mother beats me. I can go months on end without hanging out on a Friday and I don’t go to nightclubs (never liked them and still don’t like them). In December, I decide the concerts I want to attend.

    This is a man willing to use his daughter as a shield and as a weapon; use her as bait when it works for him. He is confident that he will take my daughter from me maybe because his family is well connected, even though he does nothing for work but I would rather die first before he takes my child. He isn’t even willing to share custody, he has made threats to my face and behind me that he will take my child and I will never participate in her life. Threatening to take a woman’s child is the worst thing you can do to her and because people know that, men know that, they use it at every chance they’ve got. Its their one and only strong ammunition and they use it, to the fullest advantage, it is their gift that keeps giving. I have been made to keep receipts and invoices of money spent on my daughter to prove her has no active financial contributions towards his child’s upkeep, his signature isn’t reflected in her home link, he isn’t registered as a participant in any school activity, he has no record (because he never did them) of being part of anything to do with his daughter and her school (say for the one time I pleaded with him to go to her PTA because I had to be at work and the second time she spent one week begging him to attend her fathers day event in school).

    Ife, men (and women) by nature in the face of loss and defeat will do anything, they will stoop to whatever level and make it impossible for you to summon your better self because they will test you, humiliate you, hurt you and drag you through the mud and because women in this society we live in a society that expect us to be stoic through whatever problems, we are expected to continue to rise above no matter what and not wash our linens in public, but when won’t you wash it when a man who promised to love and honor you continues to desecrate that love, desecrate that promise and desecrate even you? When Tee Billz went on his twitter tirade and Tiwa put out her own video, I blamed her for not rising above, I blamed her for not summoning her better self and every day after, I ask God to forgive me for judging her because today I realize that while you are trying to rise above and summon your better self, the other party is not interested. Truth is when we judge, it is because we feel and believe we know better, we can do better, we feel we are smarter, more objective and we have higher reasoning abilities; but in the face of love and emotions, these things don’t count. How quick we are to be objective when analyzing other people’s problems. A man who feels wronged and blinded by his hurt and pride is there laying ground work on how to ruin you and what faster way to ruin a woman that label her a bad mother, a loose woman, a promiscuous woman. Men aren’t like women. Women can by nature be broken and be emotional, men aren’t raised to be such, so they show strength in any form they find and if that requires hurting you, they will.

    I pray peace for Tonto, Miss K and every woman who has truly and honestly and unfairly had to battle such nightmates. I have had mine for four years and I know this journey to divorce is going to be long, dirty, treacherous and painful but it is a road I am on and a journey I am taking because I know at the end of it, I will be fine, not just alone but with my daughter because I will fight with everything I have got.




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  4. bukola

    Miss k,thank you for sharing your beautiful and inspiring story.
    DANG,thank you for being an open minded person,and not believeibg your opinions are the best,thank you for giving me an avenue to learn daily. God bless you,please keep being you.




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  5. bkonyi

    DANG; When i read all this i get confused…on why the marriage syndrome still hits ladies by the day, I have been through my own rough and tough affairs, broken yet rose above them and still doing me and pushing strong everyday!! Imagine 3 mother’s here have been questioned about their motherhood… you date or court, you get married, you go to the labour room, you nurse the baby and all… in all this all you hear is a woman is meant to hold the house and do what it takes to keep her man and all…My question what does the man do?? But my happiness is that in some way the social media has helped a lot of people share their heavy burdens and troubles… And i pray African women and mothers keep rising up and speaking up the world is changing very soon our voices will be heard!!




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  6. Omo

    Oh my.now I am ashamed of my lack of hope in humanity.I am the one who disagreed with your opinion on Tonto’s story when you published it.In fact I was so dissapointed that I unfollowed you on IG(covers face) hahaha.For some reason this evening I decided to check your website to see if you probably re addressed your perspective just to show some empathy to Tonto only to find the URL was unavailable.so I went to your IG page aka ghost follower (covers face again) only to see you took the story down.I don’t know why this meant so much to me, my heart is so happy. I feel a certain level of hope honestly.Lately I have given up on blogs and decided there was no line too sacred to cross in the name of opinion but seeing how you addressed this, I can’t explain my feelings, let’s just say my hope is restored.And I feel reconnected to your lack of mediocrity once again.Thank you DANG.You are obviously not just another blog, you are here to connect.And I hope Tonto gets to feel her confidence restored as a mother by seeing how another ‘we’ came together to speak for a fellow woman/mother. I think I love you DANG, thank you for this. *now going to shamelessly re-follow your IG handle*…I won’t even front, I missed you!I am so excited???




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