When Changing Your Mind is Not a bad Thing: That Time I Called Off My Wedding

Photo credit: 123RF 62 January 23, 2017 By Dang

When Changing Your Mind is Not a bad Thing: That Time I Called Off My Wedding

There is nothing worse than staring at your wedding date on a calendar and having that deep sense of doom in your heart. For me, it was a sinking feeling, a feeling of resignation, I kept telling myself, “just go ahead with it, everything will be okay”. There was a time I wrote an article about being over 30, desperate and worried, I also said I have been there, it was that time I called off my wedding. This is my story

I met my ex fiancée 8 months before he proposed. I was getting close to 30, I had set a date for myself, come rain or high water, I would be married by age 30. So when this guy came along, I told myself, this is it! I must make this work. He was not my ideal guy, but experience had taught me then, “who ideal guy help?”

So I went ahead and dated him. I was ashamed to take him to parties because his grammar was deeply flawed, I would correct him nicely when we’re alone together but cringe inwards when we’re out with company because it would be rude to say anything. He also had insecurity issues, he felt I was too much for him and would break up with him soon to be with another man who is/was worthy, so he began to lie about his net worth. If he was worth a hundred, he would lie to me he was worth 10 million. I noticed these things, but patched them up because I had to get married at 30

On my part, I couldn’t bring myself to respect him. I was more ambitious, and he had all these plans but never really did anything about them. if I did really love him, I was supposed to be patient and help him achieve his dreams, which I tried to do but I would have done better if I respected him, trusted him and was genuinely in love with him




On my 30th birthday, I had a birthday dinner and when it was his turn to speak, I was shaking inwards, I knew he was going to propose and instead of excitement, I was scared. I sunk in my already flat tummy, wiped my sweaty palms on my green dress and prepared myself. When he began his speech, my eyes were already teary, I braced myself. Someone had told me, “love grows, if he loves you so much, you’ll eventually start loving him back”. I held on to that, and accepted the ring

Eventually, I made up my mind that this was my cross to bear, this guy loved me too much and he would never leave me, so whatever happens, I would make things work. The lies continued and the assurance that I would never leave him, he asked me to promise him this at least two times a week, I indulged him. This continued even after our family introduction, on that day, I cried again. My closest friends were with me and I still didn’t feel safe, my dad got all the brunt as I lashed out at him and wished my mum was around. I was throwing tantrums, because I couldn’t bear to look inwards and tell myself to stop the process

We began the wedding preparations: We paid for the hall, got a wedding planner, paid in full for a popular comedian as the MC, I had bought tickets to travel for wedding shopping and dress picking appointments with three wedding dress makers including Vera Wang. My friends had also paid a substantial sum for Aso-Ebi. Asides from the money spent, a lot of people had invested themselves in this process. It was during this process, two months to the wedding, I caught him in another HUGE lie.




Initially I never thought of calling off the wedding, I told myself to look away, this too will pass. But when I could not sleep that night and began to pray, it dawned on me that this would be my life. Sleepless nights, unhappiness, lack of trust, crying and praying to calm the storm I created, the possibilities of cheating on my part and the expectation of cheating on his part. How would people feel if I called off my wedding? How about money that had been invested, I almost changed my mind but God strengthened my resolve

I told him it was over. He tried to beg me to reconsider but even he couldn’t put much effort into it. My family, his family and our friends tried to convince me to change my mind, but when I began to refund people’s Aso-Ebi money, they finally accepted there was not going to be a wedding that year. I felt complete relief, like a heavy load had suddenly being lifted off me. Were there moments of remorse and regret? Yes. But they passed quickly, because I had never been more sure of a decision

If you are reading this and you are thinking about calling off your wedding, I hope that you are able to make the right decision for yourself — and for nobody else. Not your partner. Not his or her family. Not for your parents — but for you.TWEET THIS QOUTE

And if you are reading this and have already called off your wedding, you need to know that everything will be okay. It probably does not feel like it today, and it may not even feel like it tomorrow, or a week from now, or six months from now. You will hurt. You will feel painfully lonely. You might feel humiliated. But, everything will eventually be okay, I know this for a fact!

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62 comments on “When Changing Your Mind is Not a bad Thing: That Time I Called Off My Wedding

  1. Anonymous

    This is my story even though am just 23 but I had to make the decision and my parents and his are yet to come to terms with it but who cares….it’s my marriage not theirs. To whoever is holding on to pain for the fear if being lonely May God help you to make the right decisions and let u know he has better plans for you.




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  2. Yele

    That should have been my story but i was too timid, I didn’t want to hurt the people invested in the whole process….
    Almost 3 years on…., I walked out of the marriage, heads held high up, wish i had done it sooner.
    The greatest decision of my life!!!!

    Ladies, lets be true to ourselves and not be people pleasing, it never really helps.
    Mistakes will be made, but be quick to realise your mistake, dust yourself off and start over.

    The Heavens would not fall, if you wait for the one, who you can fulfil purpose together.




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    1. Toluwalope

      DANG, you were lucky. I wanted to run and call mine off on my wedding day, friends didn’t allow me. From the wedding day to three months into it, I knew it can never be forever. I left 2011, timidly went back… Its been almost two years I finally walked out and I’ve never been happier. I left it all after seven years together.

      Ladies, let’s never settle for less. I did and got burnt. I learnt my lessons, I’ve moved on and I know the real right one will come some day.

      I love my self more now, I have a better picture of what I want and as the hopeless romantic that I am… My Mr Romantic will come… Lol




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    1. Yele

      Dont be scared, just sincerely enjoy being single serving God.
      Through serving God sincerely, he would direct you into your purpose…
      Your husband is in your purpose.




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  3. Jay

    A bad marriage is the worst thing that can happen to anyone, especially when you know bfr you get into it. I’m happy for you you took the decision when you did…




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    1. Anonymous

      I wish almost every day that I had the boldness to have called off my wedding not because my husband isn’t a good man but because I have come to realize that he truly doesn’t love me and he married me out of pressure. On my part, I married him out of fear of not finding the man that will support my business like he does. I still don’t have the strength to walk out of the marriage. I feel stucked and unhappy




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  4. Anonymous

    I never got to the wedding part !I had dated him for six years. Six years of dealing with insecurity, no ambition whatsoever (he just leached unto my ambitions and turned it in a we thing) just because I was scared of being alone. last year, I took a leap of faith and decided being single was better than the relationship I had. I broke it off, gradually became happy and confident with my single status and two months later, I met the love of my life. I am getting married come October. Sometimes, I sit still and imagine how miserable I would have been if i had continued that relationship and I thank God. I dodged a bullet!




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  5. Titi (Mrs.O)

    That was a very tough one but thank God you did…it’s better to get the whole shame before marriage than after marriage.




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  6. Anonymous

    I wish I had the strength you had… I wish I wouldn’t care so much about how it’ll affect my parents, I wish I had the strength to fight for the one I truly love…. I cried the night before my intro because I knew it was what my parents wanted not what I wanted…. At the end of the day, I’m just that girl who when her parents say ‘jump’, I ask ‘how high’




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    1. Mimi

      It will be really hard but you have to find the strength within yourself to do the right thing for you. Your parents’ happiness is secondary and nothing compared to the misery you will live with for the rest of your life. They are living their life, start living yours.




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    2. Anonymous

      I promise you that if your parents reasoning for you marrying this individual is based on their own selfish reason… And be real with your self. Are they disregarding your feelings and completely indulged in what is good for them or the name of the family? If so, I promise you that God himself will not be upset at you for leaving. If you are religious, or spiritual, consult God in this matter. Wake up at midnight and beg your God to bring all good towards you and separate you from all evil. Fasting will also help.

      Peace and blessings Love!




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  7. Anonymous

    This is sooo true my dear. Dated my Ex for five years & definitely saw the signs of Emotional abuse early enough & I continued praying to God for a change. I had lots of sleepiness nights & several therapy sessions with psychologists regarding his anger & emotional abuse but I held on to toxic relationship for the fear of loneliness. The moment I found courage within me to walk away from the toxic relationship, God Almighty sent my Lovely Husband my way & now I experience peace, happiness & Love like never before.




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  8. Me

    I was in a likewise relationship. I said “it is only English he can’t speak now” “he is angry he isn’t naturally violent” “maybe I made him insult me, I wouldn’t do that again ” and many more excuses until my scales fell off. 23 and so pressured? Over what?
    2 years down after kissing frogs, Prince Charming is here. Every girls dream man. The Bible encourages that we be anxious for nothing, because God has us covered. I pray for sisters in the bondage of “so I will start afresh” let go! Let God!!!!!!!!!!




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  9. Anonymous

    I clocked thirty last month and I was also after the marriage chase. I told myself I must be married before 30. I tried desperately to make relationships work, not knowing I was killing it with my one goal: I must be married before 30.There was pressure on me to date a guy that has been on my case for almost 5 years, I have tried but I just don’t feel the same way he does. People tell me its better to marry someone that loves you more than you love him. But i know I would just be settling and I certainly do not want that . I am 30 now unmarried, but I have gained so much clarity through the word of God than I have in all my life. Now I’ve learnt to be fine by myself, to stop comparing my life with others, to let go and let God, for his word says to seek him first and all things will be added to me. I am happier than i have been in years. It’s amazing.




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  10. Beauh

    Hmmmmmmm this is me is me last year,we got engaged but somehow I knew there was something missing somewhere. I just didn’t have the peace I needed and somehow I sensed something fishy going on and called the engagement off only to realize he had gotten his ex gf pregnant and they were getting married barely two months after our breakup.




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  11. b

    i wish i was like you….i stood at the alter begging God to forgive me, i cried everyday after. he was so in love with me and i only care for him as i would care for a stranger, i did not love him and heknew cos i never said it but he still wanted to be with me. i said to my self he really love me i will fall in love with him when we get married and he shows love to our children.
    we a had a child and he hated the child and only wanted me, he did not want to play with his own son, at that stage i knew i had made the biggest mistake of my life and there was no way to fix it . i had to walk away from the marriage and he still till date does not want to see his child all he wants is me. i hate myself because i wasn’t bold enough to walk away when it was just me and now i have to explain to my child why he doesn’t have his father in his life




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  12. Ore

    I’ll be 32 in May and i’m Single and my God it is tough..honestly it is especially when you haven’t been in a relationship in a very long time. I’m having a fabulous career and all and i’m honestly at the point of settling. You know when you have a good guy that loves God and all and ‘loves you more’ as they say men should; is caring e.t.c but you just don’t gel. No chemistry; No intimacy/bonding, and you’re like God he’s a Christian, he loves me, loves you and will take care of me and you just can’t go through with it…… but no ‘Yes’ is coming in your spirit…..I receive strength from your story not go through with it. Thanks for sharing




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    1. Anonymous

      Wow, story of my life! It really hard to decide not to settle at this point! I’m glad i found this site tho! So inspiring




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    2. Anonymous

      This is me, six years of dating,the chemistry and intimacy is gone. I need to be bold to walk away, am just scared.




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    3. Anonymous

      Be strong dear, i almost made the same mistake…….He is a christian too and was loving up on me in every way possible but i just didn’t feel the same, the minute mt friend told me he was planning to propose to me at her wedding reception, i knew i had to end it immediately and not drag him through unnecessary misery…..




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  13. God's princess

    I broke off an engagement after a year of emotional abuse. he made me feel that he was doing me a favour by proposing to me. we could not have a decent conversation without him saying I was rude, disrespectful and insolent. he even told me towards the end that I was too learned for my own good. I kept making excuses for him that it was because he was a product of a broken home and several broken relationships. it got to a point where I would cry all through the night then take my bath,dress well, wear my engagement ring and fake smiles at work. i was limited to work,church and my apartment. Any relationship whatsoever,with the opposite sex was dissected and questioned.I had to ask myself… Is getting married worth losing my peace of mind and self esteem? I prayed and had to talk myself into breaking up with him. i also got wise counsel from a pastor-mentor and a family friend. he asked people to beg on his behalf but I was adamant.
    Fast forward to now (1yr post breakup), I’m married to the best man in the world. he keeps asking where I was hiding when he was searching… lol. I av peace of mind. I am happy. I love this man to bits and hold what we have as sacred.
    my lesson is… it’s never to late to start all over again. u may be an answered prayer for someone out there rather than a pain in the ass for the present bae.




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  14. mairo

    Hmmm… I had a dream of a happy life filled with love and kids. So I held on to the one that I was with. I was emotionally abused, cheated on constantly but I held on. I said if I leave him who will I be with? I didn’t want to be alone.One day, just one day I was tired . I told my self enough is enough and I walked out. I felt like a heavy load was off my shoulders, I hadn’t realized how much effort I was putting into holding on to this relationship. I felt lighter and happier and I haven’t looked back since then.




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  15. Blessing

    I just discovered this blog…..I just became 35 last month ( haven’t been in a relationship for the past 4yrs) and I have been thinking if I was wrong to not settle seeing that I am all alone now. Have this friend from university days very nice and all that but I don’t feel the closeness he talks about, no chemistry, etc. My siblings don’t understand how I can not agree to even date him. He got married 2months ago and as much as I try to feel pity for myself I still can’t picture both of us together. One day at a time…I pray my own prince charming finds me soon.




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  16. Anonymous

    this is so me, even though I felt this restlessness in my spirit and everything in my head screaming he’s not the one, I was still willing to go on with the marriage, my cousin is almost 30 and she’s really getting desperate for marriage and so is my elder sister, I didn’t want to be like them so when a friend introduced me to this guy I thought why not?? but you see from the first day I set my eyes on him I felt like he was all wrong for me, there was no connection whatsoever and that 1 year I spent with him was the worst, filled with sighs, this deep guilty feeling telling me it’s wrong, bad dreams,etc. I turned to prayer, praying and asking God to help me, I just couldn’t break up with him, i was too scared to break his heart, I began to act really bad with him, but you see, in all of it , he realized he didn’t want to be with me either, he left without saying anything, no goodbye, nothing.. I’m glad he left like that, I guess that’s God’s way of saving me and answering my prayers, sometimes I feel sad and Ionely but I console myself with the fact that if I had married him, nothing will save that marriage from ending up with a divorce, now I know that whatever relationship I set my foot in, the first thing I should ensure is peace of mind.




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  17. Anonymous

    Am 19,not in school yet nd am engaged to a 33yrs old man(he engaged me lastyr) (i was 18) sometimes he says things that makes me feel terrible inside,he says curse words to me,call me names nd even compare me to pple.. I feel like callin it a quit buh am scared!! Scared of been called a ‘2nd hand’ scared of been lonely,scared of what pple will say ..I juss think am still too young for marriage buh no one understands me!! I love him,i want2 liv with him buh @least not at 19years




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    1. Anonymous

      My darling, in as much as you are 19 years, that’s really not a problem. My concern is the emotional abuse you are going through. Please, don’t be scared of what people will say, don’t be scared of being lonely. I advise you to take a walk. And with what you wrote up there, i’m scared for you. Please pray for the spirit of discernment. Talk to your family. Let them know what you are going through. Am engagement can be called off please. I just wish I had the wherewithal, I would really have helped with fees etc. Please don’t be scared. E. Hugs




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    2. Anonymous

      .My spirit is talking to me to sow something- advice, help, I’m not sure yet, into your life. At 19 I was cocooned and swathed in love and support from every side. You don’t need an entitled monster. Please don’t commit to him. You are young and the world is your oyster. Let me know if it’s okay to contact the blog administrator for your details.




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  18. Anonymous

    Hmmmm… This is jst my story.. I was 22 and just graduated from the University. My dad was mad cos I said I couldn’t continue with the marriage pres. As soon as I called off the marriage I was so relieved!! Thank heavens I made that decision even thou am 24 now and yet to be married am still happy




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  19. Pingback: Linda Ikeji, Chigul, Betty Irabor On the Pressure To Marry Before 30 - DANG

  20. Anonymous

    Hmmm. I can totally relate Dang! It was in 2011, I was 27 at the time and met him through one of his elder brothers who was a colleague of mine then. He seemed ready for a marital commitment, was eager and all of that and really made an effort to make the relationship work. I realised as we progressed that I did not respect him. Now, this is a very critical factor for me, if I do not respect or regard someone, then the person can rarely have any influence on me. The relationship felt forced because of the respect I did not have for him. You may wonder why I did not respect him. A couple of interaction with his family opened my eyes to see that his older siblings influenced his decisions a great deal. He was not the ‘man’ I dreamed of. He could not challenge them whether it was out of fear or whatever it was. By the way, am from the Eastern and he the Western part of Nigeria and we all know how these inter-tribal issues come to play. Anyways, I played along but my mind was not in the relationship. I was attending one friend’s wedding every other month and I felt so much pressure, I decided to remain in the relationship. At least in the end, I would become a Mrs. in no time cos the guy was super ready to be married. Deep down, I really did not care for him because I felt vulnerable. A lot of issues came up during the preparation of the wedding; from my kinsmen shifting the date for his family visitation because of the lent season at the time, to him and his family it was not a good omen. Asoebi became a family matter and he had not an atom of control over his people which of course did not make sense to me because of my orientation about couples being 90% in-charge of what happens when preparing for the church wedding (I do not contest traditional rites except it involves the termination of human life). At the end of the day, his family said they were not going to make the trip to my hometown in Delta cos of some premonition and guess who breaks the news to me, his eldest sister! I was in a whirlpool! Where was my fiance? His numbers were not connecting, why was it his sister that called? I felt betrayed and vulnerable. Just negodu me that was not so wholly connected to the relationship acting like the whole world had come crashing. It actually felt that way because I thought of the shame I would face afterwards. I let it go but it was not so easy because it was 3 weeks to the church wedding, family and friends had sewn asoebi (that I grudgingly agreed to because of the stress associated with organising it). I cried, begged my Dad because he had blanked his mind about having any relations with the family, his family came to beg for the trad be held in Lagos which my people saw as disrespectful, blah blah blah. Did I mention he was the last child of 12 children and ‘our wedding’ was the last family wedding they would have witness for a long time to come? In retrospect, I was most thankful to God I made that decision because I would have been a frustrated and unhappy wife with his family interference, my spiritual, emotional and psychological immaturity. I turn 33 this year and can say I am balling my singlehood! I have matured spiritually and in many other ways and living a great life by God’s grace. I still look forward to getting married someday, when The Lord sends His son reserved for me, one deserving of the queen I have become today and I of the king he has prepared himself to be for me.




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  21. Anonymous

    This is my life at the moment. 4 years soon. He’s a great husband; but in truth, I am not “in love” with him. I made the decision for my parents and he was the best option at the time. He loves me and worships at my altar and, everyday, I tell myself this should be enough. It isn’t. I’m satisfied mostly because we are very comfortable. But I am not “happy”. I still think about ways to leave, but I have no courage because I have no reason (i.e. he’s a great guy, so people will just not get it and I don’t have the energy to go through the motions) plus, I do care for him and I know walking away will break his world. It’s even worse because my heart is somewhere else… So, here I am. Telling myself every night how I will soon be in love with him. Now, based on my own experience, I encourage women not to settle – it’s not as easy as we think it would be. I wish I had the courage to resist my parents. I didn’t. Now I must live with and in this. I do hope that if / when children come, something in me changes; but this is another empty plate of hope I know I am feeding myself. Sometimes I pray for him to hit me so I can have a reason. But he won’t. He truly does love me. Sigh. #DANG!




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  22. Oyindee

    I am so grateful for this post because it felt like i had made a wrong decision for a long time and my parents and sisters didn’t understand why as i was already 27 at the time,I met le boo in camp and he and i became friends and just saw once a while because were really good friends and as such when he decided to escape from the friends zone,eight months into the relationship he proposed cause he was going for masters in the abroad i refused at first because i knew i didn’t love him but kept believing that i would grow to love him his mum kept insisting that i agreed because he won’t ask me twice o,i did,he finished there and started arranging how we would relocate to the abroad,the time to marry in the registry came because we needed the marriage certificate in the relocation process and i couldn’t do it,my parents and sisters tried all they can to get me to agree to it but i couldn’t,we broke up last year(after four years) together and guy got married Jan this year,being feeling really low but this right here helps me see clearly,,,,i dogged a bullet i would have being miserable in the marriage,,,,,Thank you for making feel really proud of myself




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  23. Anonymous

    The right words of encouragement at the exact time. But, why do some pple pretend or lie t be what they are not especially to people they claim to love??? I saw the signs, I believed the lies, everyone thought I was acting irrational. One even told me I was acting up cos I wanted someone with more money(where the person de abeg), I patched the relationship, ignored the signs and decided to go on.Did intro, everyone was happy except the bride to be, until he gave me the lie of the century. I decided to dust my slippers and move before I would die of thinking. Yes, I’m not married, but I’m happy, finding my peace,working towards a better me for me first and for the man that would be with me. People would talk, let them, it’s my life.




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  24. Anonymous

    I’m happy that you made that choice to call it off, but I can’t help but wonder what that “Huge Lie” you caught him in was- because that was obviously the deal breaker for you.




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  25. Anonymous

    This was my story but i was too timid to walk away….i knew i shouldnt have gone ahead with the marriage but i did, pleasing everyone but myself….its been 7 years now and i wish i had been brave enough to do what i know i would have to do soon…walk away…




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  26. NaijaFreshGraduate

    This is encouraging. I think I am about to break up a relationship. What is the essence of staying somewhere you don’t feel complete?
    Thanks so much for this.




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  27. 'Tobi

    I walked away from a toxic relationship as well, we were friends for about 8 months before I agreed to date him and after 2 months of dating he proposed and I accepted. Looking at him from afar he was the perfect man, a Christian, a medical student and humble. When we parted ways friends and family members blamed me for letting go of the relationship because to them he was a saint but to me, he wasn’t. He choked me daily with his insecurities, I could not s OK much as look at the opposite sex Whenever we hang out. My phones were constantly scrutinized by him and he even told me to leave whatsapp at a time and I did, because I loved him. Even though I later borrowed myself brain and later downloaded it, cos he who told me to leave social media was present on the said platform and had chains of ladies he uses as dp, while I could not so much as snap pictures with male friends in church. He had issues with the fact that I am an independent girl, and termed it as being unsubmissive, he even asked us to share our marriage vows in secret just so you know how terribly insecure he was. During this turbulent relationship he broke up with me 4 times and one time that I refused to beg him, his father called me, blasted me and ordered me to beg his son. I had no dreams and ambitions when I was with him, I was just there and I wasn’t like that before I met him. He forbade me from going for Master’s degree until I married him because he didn’t want me to use my father’s name. He is a highly patriarchal man. I lost my love for God, because I was constantly filled with bitterness and negative energy that I received from him. We were supposed to get married this December but I took that bold step and dumped him. I have never felt such peace, even though it was painful and took time to heal because I had invested so much into that relationship but leaving was worth it and I never looked back. Now, my dreams are bigger, my coasts are enlarged and I am going places. Leaving is not that easy to do but I was not ready to live a substandard life. My name is Oluwatobi, which means God is great… and any man that God gives to me will never be intimidated by my God given greatness.




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  28. gracie

    Oh women, I need to sneak up a men’s blog and see what they comment on. Do men go through half what women go through…. life




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  29. Oluwatobi

    Just what I needed to read at the moment, here I am asking God why he would not make me meet someone I can marry, telling him how I don’t deserve to be single at 28. I believe this is God’s way of telling me to be patient.




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